


The First Year

by mushi6618



Series: From The First To The Last [1]
Category: Beetlejuice (1988), Beetlejuice (TV 1989)
Genre: Aquaphobia, Bad Puns, Best Friends, Bullying, Canon Related, Contracts, Costumes, Courtroom Drama, Dimension Travel, Epic Friendship, F/M, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, First Meetings, Ghosts, Halloween, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Interspecies Relationship(s), Magical Accidents, Male-Female Friendship, Marriage of Convenience, Moral Lessons, Near Death Experiences, Non-Human Humanoid Society, Origin Story, Poltergeists, Post-Movie(s), Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-Cartoon, Protectiveness, Puns & Word Play, Rebirth, Skeletons, Spiders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 01:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 44,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8036917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushi6618/pseuds/mushi6618
Summary: "Transition: the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." The Neitherworldian's most hated poltergeist, Betelgeuse, is becoming a ghostly guardian & seeing where his heart truly lies while passing puns, moving on, and growing up. Follow as he & Lydia somehow manage to become the best of friends.It's showtime!





	1. The Dress

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice, the movie or the TV series.
> 
> *This story is in the process of being edited so please don't mind the fact that it might not get updated soon.

…

At ten sharp, _it_ had reappeared on the frightened teen a night after "the wedding". The poor preppy goth practically jumped out of her skin as her black nightgown was swallowed by red fabric, a literal waking nightmare. It appeared again the next night much to the family of five's horror. On the third day, after much trauma  & stress, Barbara lost her temper with the lipstick-red dress from hell.

So it seemed that even after the monster/pervert/bio-boogieman had been defeated he still tried to torture them. Thankfully, the red "mass of hoops" disappeared off the poor girl at the stroke of midnight ( _the hour of his devour_ ) leaving Lydia scared and shivering in her black nightgown.

Both ghosts knew it had to do with type of haunting trick they read called a: re-occurring cycle. To which, neither Adam or Barbara knew how to stop. Delia & Charles gave up after the first night; choosing to leave the supernatural dress to, well, the supernatural. An even though Barbara rode a Sandworm bareback - quite a feat in itself - she didn't have a clue how to stop the looping fabric nightmare.

"I-it just won't come OFF!" Lydia screamed.

"Don't worry, Sweetie." She smoothed over the red spindly fabric - an effort to calm the frightened teen. "Adam!" Barbara hollered down to her husband. "Quick I need your help with this!" ' _Hopefully,_ _he could help._ ' She thought. 

A chill crept up Lydia's spine. 

Soon the hollowed sound of footsteps came from the stairs. "What's the matter?" Adam stopped and took in the sight. Lydia still wore the fiasco of a wedding dress and his wife, now back to normal in her house gown, was trying to wiggle the red sea of tulle off.

"I can't get this dress to corporate! _Dust Bunnies_ , I think it must be glued to her or something! There isn't any zippers!" Barbara moaned and Lydia rolled her eyes.

"Have you tried scissors?" At his wife's do-I-look-stupid-to-you glare he looked towards the ceiling. "What about pulling it up and over her head?"

Barbara gave a long sigh. "Yes. We've tried everything. Scissors, shears, pulling on the sleeves, lifting it "up and over" as you put it, we even used… fire. Nothing works." At this Barbara let go of Lydia and flopped onto the girl's bed. Lydia turned and looked at Adam, giving him a dejected look.

"Perhaps we should contact Juno…" He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully and gave a small tug on his plaid shirt to loosen the collar.

"You should have thought of that an hour ago." Rasped the nasally voice of an old woman.

' _Speak of the devil…_ ' Thought Adam.

Quicker than most thought possible she came up and smacked him on the back of his head. Turning abruptly, like a vulture, her gaze & finger pointed towards Barbara; a cloud of grey cigarette smoke billowing about her.

"I told you to **NEVER** speak his name! Now look at what happened!" Her posture jerked to face Lydia. "You got a human involved."

"Actually they got more than one…" Lydia's eyes widened at the old woman; who at first glance didn't look all that dead. A strange feeling grasped Lydia and she found herself moving towards her dresser. The woman herself wasn't that scary, although the slit in her throat spewing smoke didn't look to appealing, but there was an aura to her that make her take a step back. Briefly she remembered feeling something similar in the presence of …him.

Though, surprisingly, at the time it wasn't threatening at all. More like a hundred buzzing flies caught in her stomach and a few beetles clattering around her brain. Yet all the thoughts in Lydia's mind were quickly dashed away when the older woman advanced on her. Only, thank heavens, to be blocked by Barbara.

"Please Juno, it wasn't her fault, don't take it out on Lydia."

"What do you think I was going to do? _Eat her_? Please." She motioned with her hand and Barbara was gently moved aside. "Move. I'm going to get her out of that ridiculous get-up."

Lydia didn't relax as the woman's eye's zeroed in to her. The red dress itched, and it didn't help that the more her body perspired the worse the feeling got. Then the tension was broken. Juno pulled out a slim white cigarette from a silver case, and then with the tip of her thumb, lit the stick. Eye's wide, she just stared at the lit cigarette, amazed at the simple trick.

Juno, harrumphed. ' _The living…_ '

The old woman snapped her finger and the fire on her thumb went out. Taking a large pull from the cigarette she let the smoke drift out the slit in her throat. Giving a deep sigh she expelled the rest right in the young humans face.

Smiling she watched as Lydia's expression of awe turned to horror as the smoke darkened and slithered around her. Soon it completely surrounded the girl blocking her from view. A rather loud scream came from within the smoke causing both the Maitland's to jump at the cloud. With another snap of her fingers both Adam and Barbara stopped in their tracks as the smoke lifted and cleared. There stood Lydia Deetz, stock still, hugging her arms and shivering, clothed in her simple long black nightgown. Juno smirked, it had been a long time since she'd last scared a mortal, however the little satisfaction was short lived when the girl's eyes widened even more and the corners of her mouth lifted up in a small smile.

"D-Deadly-voo…"

Put off Juno's posture sank; surely she wasn’t losing her touch? ' _Kids these days…_ ' She thought. Waving her hand she un-froze the Maitlands and turned to Adam. "See to it that she gets some sleep. Oh, and don't worry about that ruffled/lace disaster, trust me, it will not be back. I stopped the cycle and cremated the remains." she rolled her eyes to the ceiling, expecting it to give her guidance. None came of course and that left her feeling bitter.

"I have a lot of your mess to clean up and even MORE paperwork." Juno whipped around to Barbara. "You will both be required to come to a court hearing in ONE Realworld month." She sighed, though this time most of the air came out her throat. Bring in the cigarette up to her mouth she took a drag, quite ready to leave.

"Wait."

Everyone's attention turned to Lydia.

"What about…" she gestured to the air. "…him."

Adam looked at Barbara who looked to Juno. Juno's just stared at the girl as if she'd grown a second head and spoke in a whisper.

"Don't you **dare** even think about calling him, got that girl?"

"You mean he's still…" Barbara fumbled for a word. "… un-alive?"

Adam groaned.

"Yes, unfortunately, the idiot has more afterlives than a cat." She spit the word out. "He's currently in the Waiting Room as we speak."

"Y-You must be joking!" Adam hollered. "He-do know what he did? And you're just going to let him WAIT around?"

Adam moved to quickly towards Juno, grabbing the older woman's hand. Overhead the light began to blink and dim. The dresser that Lydia had propped up against began to open and close its drawers. Suddenly if felt as if there was an earthquake in her room. Barbara in a panic went and grabbed Adam by his hand making him lose his grip on the struggling Juno. He spun and turned on Barbara, his hand in the air ready to slap her. The light in the room suddenly became blinding and blew out in a rather large explosion.

Lydia screamed.

She crouched on the floor, partly covered by Juno, and shook like a leaf. Adam was green. No, literally. His skin was a pasty green and his eye's glowed. Barbara was a vivid dark pink and her hair became a large blob of red-orange curls; her talon-tipped hands held onto Adams. One was struggling to hold his left wrist the other gripped his right hand, blocking him from hitting her.

"You two stop this instant!" Without moving Juno snapped her fingers and the two ghosts ripped apart from one another. "Remember yourselves and get a grip!" She snapped her fingers once more, Adam and Barbara stood up back in their normal forms, looking dumbly at one another.

"W-What just ha-happened?" Barbara slid to the floor and shook. Tears pricked her eyes and began to run down her cheeks.

Adam collapsed to his knees. His eyes darted between his wife and the two women huddled on the floor. What had he done?

"Ju-Juno... what did I…"

Juno jerked herself up from the floor bringing Lydia with her. She kept the mortal behind her, not trusting the new power the two ghosts suddenly developed. ' _No..._ ' She thought. ' _...not just simple ghosts anymore._ ' "Congratulations, you just bumped up a class." She said in an ironic voice. "You managed to build enough anger to become Temporal Poltergeists."

"What?" Lydia peeked out from behind Juno.

Eyeing the girl Juno shook her head. ‘ _Why not tell her, it's not like the kid knew too much already._ ’ Juno put her hands on her hips; the smell of nicotine calming her spectral nerves. "Too much anger caused by a stressful situation can cause a normally "peaceful" ghost to become a Temporal Poltergeist." She drawled a puff of smoke. "Talking about him…" She blew out the smoke. "…caused Adam to use quite a bit of his ectoplasmic energy. It will happen again if you don't learn to control it. If not controlled those forms you were just now would become permanent."

She sighed at the puzzled looks. "Adam used too much of his own energy and had to draw from some of the life force in the room." She gestured to the light. "Not thinking properly, an emotionally enraged, he tapped into the electricity." She pointed at the blackened bulb. "Electricity can act as a small power boost, like eating an energy bar." She shifted and turned back to Lydia. "I stopped him from drawling energy from you, a natural essence and a much more powerful energy source, then Barbra tried to tap into the outlet an overloaded the circuit. That's why the bulb blew." Without missing a beat she turned to Adam. "It's obvious a tiring experience and no way in hell was it only fueled by that light." She took another drag and blew it at Adam. "You used some of your soul on a hissy fit." Her eyes shifted. "Barbara too…"

Adam blanched. Which would have been funny in another situation, after all he didn't have blood, so how could he? Lydia shook her head. She was getting off topic.

"But why did he turn a different color? And Barbara had talons?"

Juno turned around to look at her; then shifted to stare at Barbara.

"Obsession is natural if not necessary a part of a ghosts spectral existence. However, it can turn into a serious situation like the one we have here." She gestured to the two ghosts. "The Maitlands remained behind because of unfinished business. Of course, most of it linked to their house." Juno turned to look back at Lydia. "But… when you and your family moved in that obsession slowly changed."

Lydia gulped.

"I-I just wanted to p-protect her… Ad-Adam was going to hurt- I couldn't just stand by!" Barbara muttered from the floor. Adam fell all the way back on his butt his arms supporting him as the news filtered through his ears.

"You're saying that Barbara became that t-thing to stop me from hurting Lydia?" Adams eyebrows rose above his glasses.

"Yes." Juno gave him a hard look. "This has become quite a complicated situation." She gestured wildly with her hands. "The both of you are tied together in the afterlife from your bond while you were alive. Adam is obsessed with the house and his model; Barbara as well..." Juno took a large breath and an even longer drag, causing the ash to come all the way up to the butt, and let it all out in a great whoosh. "However… Barbara is now obsessed with Lydia." Her eyes narrowed at the woman. "Always wanted a child of your own, do anything to protect it, mother's instincts. Humph."

Barbara only nodded her eyes downcast bleakly looking at Lydia's bare feet. ' _I'll have to clean up the glass before she steps on it…_ ' Her mind wandered.

"This situation can't go on…" Juno sighed once more; it just seemed like a great day for breathing. "…I'll see if I can get Judge Mental to bump up the hearing date-"

"Judgmental?" Adam perked up at this; looking confused.

"The Neitherworld is backwards and full of ill-fitted puns. "A joke on life in the afterlife." Apparently, some find it funny." At that she smiled, and then as if remembering something or rather someone, let it fall into a scowl. "Anyway, I can't let Lydia here with you two in this condition."

Barbara went to speak.

"No, Mrs. Maitland. Both of your spirits are looking to recover lost energy and since Charles and Delia Deetz are out of the house, _thank The Powers That Be_ , you'll unknowingly go straight for Lydia." Both said ghosts paled. "I'll take Lydia to the Neitherworld for a few hours while you recover."

"Really!?" Lydia jumped out from behind her looking excited.

"No-" Barbara and Adam made to stand.

Juno snapped her fingers and they just stood there frozen in a daze. "Like I said, you will both stay here and recover." ' _I’d hate to see the light bill for this month_ ' Juno thought wearily. "Don't worry about Miss Deetz. She will be fine. You might not know it but humans slip into the Neitherworld more often than our government would like to admit…"

At this Lydia snorted out a laugh and Juno became aggravated. "Miss Deetz, this is not a funny situation. I'm using a lot of Smoke on this."

" _Smoke?_ " Lydia repeated.

At the girls puzzled expression she proceeded to explain. "Yes, Smoke, it's my form of ecto-energy. Like his…" She made quotation marks in the air. "…Juice." The mention of HIM Lydia clammed up. Juno just shook her head at the girl. Wasn't this all just a little bit much for a thirteen year old?

Giving the girl a once over it was hard to believe that this human had just hit puberty. She was tall for her age, yet didn't have any sign of a chest and only a little baby fat around her cheeks. For a moment Juno wondered what had went through her ex-partner's head. Surely nothing went though the one in his pants for this little girl. ' _Of course_ ', she thought a little disgusted, ' _this was Betelgeuse she was contemplating…_ ' Just then the alarm on her Droolex went off signaling the woman's next appointment. Shutting it off and wiping the slobber from her wrist she took out another cigarette and lit it. 

"Well, we'd better get going…" Juno took a drag and took hold of Lydia by the girl's arm. "Mr. & Mrs. Maitland we will see you in a few, I expect by then you'll be in your right minds and corporal bodies."

Lydia waved at Adam and Barbara looking excited and scared all at once. Juno blew out another large cloud of smoke and slowly they faded from view. As soon as the smoke dissipated the two ghosts collapsed to the floor looking rather stunned.

"Oh, Adam-"

"I know Barbara…"

Gently they hugged each other surrounded by broken glass staring at the spot where Lydia had disappeared.


	2. The Paperwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice, the movie or the TV series.
> 
> *Pat Swivel is a real character in the cartoon, though I gave her a made up name since I don't think they provided one…

…

  
Patricia Swivel was not in a terribly bubbly mood that morning. Her normally primed neon blonde hair was askew and she was sure that the pink shirt she'd attached this morning was wrinkled. She'd missed the elevator and had to drag herself up the forty-two flights of stairs; a pain for normal ghouls but she had a chair for legs. Later, everything would be put behind her after a visit to the local bar and several gin & toxic-waste tonics. But the clincher for this particular day was the fact that she had to deal with the one spirit in the ENTIRE Neitherworld that shouldn't be allowed to wait ANYWHERE.

All she had to do was switch shifts with Argentina.

NOT put up with the dick in the Waiting Room who was a ( _she had to laugh at this_ ) head case.

The man was wearing a dusty maroon crushed, and she meant **crushed** , velvet suit with a cream shirt and shoes. Noticing the dust was the kind you'd only acquire on a trip to Saturn, Pat pitied him, _for five seconds_. He'd noticed she was staring and now managed to slither up into her personal space suggesting something about the line moving and his line moving in her. She shivered in disgust. It was easy to tell who the ghost was now that he was up in her face. Laughing out-right at his cheap pick up line ( _said in a very high squeaky voice she might add_ ) she suggested he'd need to get his head checked and proceeded to pull out a magnifying glass. She gave it to him and told him since the one on his shoulders was so small he'd most certainly need it for the other smaller one in his pants.

He gave her a dirty look.

However, before she could belt out a laugh he began to stretch the small office supply as if it were some rubber balloon. Soon it was slightly bigger than her head, yet remained round. He twirled it in his hand and then held it up to his face. She shrieked at the horrible image it presented her: a man's head covered with rotting decay, ooze, and with all sorts of bugs, beetles, and snakes protruding out around the rim of the glass. Then in a second the terrifying image was gone. The magnifying glass and the man's head were back to their normal sizes. Placing the glass back on the counter he turned around and began to whistle a small tune. He thanked her and sauntered back to his seat. Shaken she threw the misused magnifying glass in the trash.

Hopefully her day would get back to abnormal once the bastard left…

A little later the creep in the crappy suit was back only this time to push and prod her. AGAIN! All so he could look down her shirt. After his hundredth sleazily remark about them doing the horizontal tango she deadpanned that it would be impossible since her body stopped just below her belly button. At this he hauled himself over the counter to not only get another good look at her cleavage, but to confirm that she was indeed missing her legs and a very important lady part.

Patricia sighed, why did she have to be stuck to a chair for the rest of eternity? Wasn't being a civil servant bad enough? Wasn't putting up with the 'Ghost with the Most' annoying habits enough?

Sliding back to his side of the counter he made a long whistle and told her that it was quite a shame, but really, if she wanted to she could use her mouth. He wiggled his eyebrows. Her left eye started to twitch. As he leaned in, for the hopefully the last time, he gave her a wink and put his hand on the counter to steady himself. His breath was horrible even for Neitherworldian's standards. Patricia's counter offer was to shut the window door, hard and fast, down on the offending appendage that had started to move in her direction. The shriek of pain and list of curse words made quite a lovely reward to her ears, but it only lasted so long. She pushed the bell and the number in the waiting room turned from a three to a four.

Unfortunately, she had to open the window. "Number 4. B. Geuse." She gave him a sickly sweet smile and shut the window, however, this time he was fast enough to pull his hand away.

"Thanks, Swivel. I give yo'r regards to the furniture." He cackled at her though the hole, smiled, then stood back and gave her the finger with his sore hand. Sauntering through the doors that lead to Juno's office she could still hear the "Scum-de-dum-dum" tune he was spewing.

Why did her last name have to be Swivel when she was stuck to a FREAKING CHAIR! Leaning back Patricia sighed once more and decided to rub the stress from her temples. Gathering up her work load, she dumped Geuse's file in the trash ( _she'd burn it later_ ), and pressed the button on her desk. Lifting the window she put on a cheery smile.

"Number 5. I. M. Smallhead."

…

"Hey, Flat-face! How's it hangin'?" The normally cheerful pavement-peeled corpse shifted his eyes and chose not to reply to the spectral splinter in the Neitherworld's behind. Instead he speed up on his wire and stuffed himself through the slot in the wall. "Piff. Can't take a joke…" At this the maniacal ghost let out a rather loud piercing laugh right in the middle of the office.

Skeletons clattered and one even put their head in a drawer. A blue skinned woman with orange hair pressed her eyes onto the computer screen ( _she'd have to peel them off later_ ) and began to type furiously. Satisfied with scaring the nelly-wafers on the floor with just his presence and a laugh he proceeded to his destination. Skipping up the steps, and only once slipping on the flood of papers that spilled down it, he managed to hook himself around the corners and slither into one of the Neitherworld's oldest offices. Gliding past the guest chairs he went straight to the window, yelled profanities at the ghosts watching the office like it was some sort of movie, and gave them the finger before letting the shade shut. Turning to the desk he proceeded to plop himself down in the torn up leather chair, causally setting his cream loafers atop the desk.

Shaking his jacket out he hoped he wouldn't have to spend the next 125 years in a damn tux. Betel took off one of his shoes and let the yellow sand pour into his inner jacket pocket, putting it back on, he did the same with the other. He'd never tell anyone that the stuff was great for juicing. Though he'd doubt anyone would risk their afterlives for it, and as far as he knew, was the only one that could use the yellow crap in that way. He grunted as he settled into a more comfortable position. He shifted and kicked a cup of pencils off the woman's desk.

Where in all the Neitherworld was Juno?

"GEE! Ain't this FEAKIN' FUN!" He glared at the ceiling willing it to talk back to him. Instead a small chunk of plaster fell and hit him between his eyes. "Why-" He grit and bared his teeth. But then a small ring of smoke began to form. A grin split his face as he leaned further back in the chair. That old little smoke harpy would materialize right in his lap! Gleeful, his eyes narrowed on the grey smoke. "This is going to really get her goat! She never lets me sit in her chair!"

The cloud formed smoke legs, arms, torso, and head. It hovered horizontally above him, then with a loud 'pop' the figure came into solidity, screamed, and crashed onto his lap. Now, don't get him wrong, but it takes a LOT to scare the Ghost with the Most, but boy-o-boy was he ever so shocked to find his most recent ~~con-victim~~ \- client - conveniently pressing her back against his front. Unusually slow to react he grabbed her around her middle and planted one right on the girl's cheek.

Lydia screamed Bloody Mary and thrashed around in his arms.

When her elbow connected with his ribs he let her go and watched as she flung herself to the floor. Betelgeuse, meanwhile, was laughing like a hyena. Shakily, Lydia twisted herself around and pushed herself backwards so fast she slammed the file cabinet so hard it shook and dumped a bowl of rubber bands on her head. The bowl slid off to reveal her flustered face. It was shortly followed by a mass of papers that completely covered her form from his view with the exception of her eyes peeking out at him; only furthering Betel's hysteria. She groaned and blew one of the papers off of her head. It lifted an inch only to quickly drop and smack back into her upturned face.

He lost it.

"Da-hahah-Damn, Babes! Hehehehehehe…" _'Powers That Be, I actually have to breathe!_ ' "You're, hahahaha, fuckin' HALL-LARR-I-ASS! WAaaHAahahahahahahaha…" Pushing himself up from the chair he walked over to where her form was covered in, well looki-nooki at that, her own reports. He extended a grubby hand and gave her his "best" you-can-trust-me-smile. _'Piff… yeah right._ '

She glowered at him, face a bright cherry red, brown eyes fueled with liquid chocolate hate. She didn't move.

"Aww, com'on Babes. I won't hurt ya'." He laughed. " _…much."_

"G-get away from me." Her eyes began to water. "Leave m-me alone." Lydia sniffed, this was so embarrassing and he was still very scary. Then her tears started to flow and Betelgeuse straitened his back.

The girl was crying.

He hated it when women cried; gave him a weird feeling. Same reaction like when he was alive all those many, many, many, many, many, many years ago. He made a gross noise to express his disgust, yet instead of giving a comforting word like you would expect, he grabbed one of the girl's hands that had covered her eyes. Lifting her off the floor was too easy, besides weren't fleshies supposed to have more, well, more flesh than this? Betel shook her a little and she shivered emptying more tears down her face and over the hand that covered her lips. Like he'd kiss a kid on the mouth?

Well… he might make an exception for her…

He frowned as he set her down; she sank to the floor like a limp noodle. Her knees crumpled as did most of the papers surrounding her. Un-amused, he just hauled her up by the arm till she stayed put on her wobbly legs. "Geez, Babes, I'm all for scaring the shit out of people but even this was a little much. I'd be proud normally if ya weren't wailin' like a baby. Haven't even properly scared ya yet!"

This got a reaction.

Lydia pulled her arm out of his grip, brought it back, and SLAPPED him alongside his face. Satisfied when she noticed that bits of moss flew off on impact; he even slipped a little on the paper-covered floor. Her hand stung like she'd been holding an snowball for too long and then ice slithered up her spine as she realize what she'd just done. Lydia froze as he straitening himself for the second time; fixing his suit jacket and dusting off his sleeves. In light of the situation she supposed later that it was funny when he comically hiked up his pants as the material pushed his gut up, making the action stand out with the nerdy maneuver.

"Ah-hem..." He coughed into his hand. "…'suppose I deserved that."

Lydia let out the breath she'd been holding; glad he wasn't mad. It was at this point Lydia noticed where she was as the awkwardness of the situation was became deafening. She wanted to look at something other than the dirty man in front of her, but Lydia's eyes almost refused to move around the room though and when they did they went straight back to him: the ectoplasmic enigma.

She sighed in defeat.

"So, uh, Lydia right?" He waved his hand at her.

She flinched back a step. "Y-yes." Her eyes landed on his shoes. She noticed the right one had a large dark burn mark on it. "P-please don't s-say my name." She found the courage to look up at him.

"I can respect that." Cocking his head to the side he let a leery smile plaster itself on his face and nodded in her direction. "Names hold power and all that bull." Pulling the proverbial plug the tension in the room swirled into oblivion as he started to pick his nose. "So what 'shad I call ya?" She went to speak. "Shu-shu-shu! I got it!" Putting a finger to his head he opened the top of his skull and over dramatically scratched his brain. All too quickly he shut his lid and pointed at her. "I'll call ya, Lyds? Great, right? I know I'm such a genius!"

He struck a pose holding an overly large diploma, and instead of a graduation hat, a dunce cap adorned his head. Lydia stood so still that both of them thought she'd went into rigor mortis. Then she loosened and for the life of her… Lydia just couldn't hold in the laughter at the sight.

At the sound of Lydia’s giggles Betel's head snapped in the teen's direction as a slight amount of color peppered his usual white-purple face. The blush darkened when he realized that she wasn't laughing at the fact that he'd involuntarily juiced up some comic relief, but instead was laughing at the material pun itself. Normally, Neitherworldian's took his "Literal Translation-o-ictus" as something to frown at. Sure it came in handy sometimes when he could control it; like that time Barbra had picked him up to call him a prick, and he really had become a prick.

Unfortunately, other times it left him angry and embarrassed. One time he said: "his afterlife was a drag" and then he'd actually been drug down the street or worse- that one time he ended up standing in the middle of a bar wearing makeup, a dress, and high heels. He grunted. _'I looked hot as a chick, though._ ' At that he snorted out a laugh and joined in with the dark haired kid. Juicing away the diploma, Betel had to hold in his splitting sides from laughing so hard.

This was how Juno found Lydia and Betelgeuse; two idiots, both red in the face, holding their middles laughing like school-girls.

' _Well..._ ' She thought, _'...one is a school girl and the other isn't far from it._ ' Walking over to her desk she slammed the book on top of it. The two giggling parties looked up immediately startled. "Good, now that I have your attentions please have a seat." _'Great… now I felt like a school principle._ ' She watched them sit down. Lydia hesitantly. Betel flamboyantly. "Geuse, mind explaining why you're in this office with Miss Deetz?"

The ghost in question shrugged. "Number got called." He gave her a cocky smile and put his arms behind his head sinking lower in the chair. "She just popped in on me!"

"If I find out you did anything to her-" Juno's face remained cast in stone. Her glare could have cut ice, a newbie would have wet the seat.

Betelgeuse went back to picking his nose.

" _Juny_ , come on? Give me 'sooome credit!" He leaned forward. "It was just a peck on the cheek." He winked at her, and for good measure, did the same to Lydia. When he turned around to look at Juno's expression a book smacked into his face, breaking his nose ( _not that it mattered he was dead after all_ ), and the impact knock him head over heels. Lydia's eyes widened as the dunce cap was crushed then disappeared as the man tried to scramble to right his position off the floor.

"Not the "Ghost with the Most" graceful movements." She found herself saying.

His green eyes narrowed at her, but his expression showed no trace of anger. A sort-of goofy smirk was plastered underneath his hard eyes. After all, it was kind of funny when he thought about it. Snapping his fingers the chair picked itself up and plopped closer to Lydia's.

"Miss Deetz, do you want me to send him out?" Her tone was like ice water.

Betel was in the movement of sitting down, contemplating giving Juno his infamous "stink eye", when his head whipped to the girl. His right hand, the one still sore from earlier, gripped the arm rest. Lydia was huddled in the seat, trying her best at putting some distance between her and the poltergeist. She looked up at Juno and said something that made him sit with a loud disgraceful thump and had his jaw fall into his lap.

"N-no, it's alright. I don't really mind his company ...a-as long as he keeps to himself…"

 _'Don't really mind my company, well… that's a new one…_ ' He thought, repositioning his lower mandible.

Even Juno looked surprised.

"Well then, let's continue." She snapped her fingers and the book that hit Betel appeared on her desk. "I suppose this works out considering it involves the both of you." Betel gave Lydia a rather large grin; she countered with a queasy look. "Right." She lit another cigarette. "Miss Deetz, do you see all the paperwork that's flooded my office?" The girl nodded yes. "Yes? Good, it's all thanks to you for agreeing to make a marriage deal with this…" Juno jerked her thumb at Betel. "…beetle for brains."

"Awe, thanks June-bug."

"That _wasn't_ a compliment!" She slammed her hand on the desk causing more papers to slide to the floor. "Do you have ANY idea the amount of trouble you're in with The Powers That Be? They want you fed to the sandworms! AGAIN! Then if you survive a second attack they want you EXORCISED!"

Betelgeuse sat back in the chair and took out a nail file and slowly began to run the emery across his talons. He looked completely bored. "Yeah, so?" He returned the file back into his maroon monstrosity of a jacket and leaned forward. "Highly doubt the almighty "Powers That Be" could handle me." His face contorted, scrunching up in detest and showed her all of his green-yellow teeth. Then as an after-thought began to hack up a large green wad of mucus and spit it in to the same jacket pocket where he kept the file. "Save that guy for later."

Both women groaned noises of disgust and turned away from him. Lydia looked back at the man who only three days ago could have been her husband. He started to pick his nails using his teeth. It was then that she realized this wasn't some diabolical evil ball of ectoplasm, but rather a cheap sleazy conman in a maroon crush velvet suit who subsequently acted like a child. Watching him, her fear slowly began to deflate.

Was he scary?

_Yes._

Was he disgusting?

_Absolutely._

Would he grab at another chance to marry her?

_She didn't have a doubt in her mind._

Did he deserve to be eaten by another sandworm?

_Possibly._

But …exorcism?

"Juno?" The old woman looked up. Betel stopped "cleaning" his nails. "Do- Is there any way you could prevent Beetleju-"

"Shuuut, shuut!" Juno hushed.

"Awe, Junes!"

"Um, Beej…" Lydia began again, noticing Betelgeuse's eyebrows raise at the nickname. "Is there any way you could help him get out of this mess?" She waved her hand at the continents of the room.

"Yeah, walk out the fuckin' door, heh!" Betel quipped. Lydia glared at him and he returned the favor. He didn't need some little whip that was ten times his junior giving him a pity party. "We could 'olways try that gettin' hitched thing again?" He sneered at her.

"Not on your _afterlife_." She sneered back.

Juno suddenly felt left out of the conversation as the two began to bicker like- well like an old married couple. She rolled her eyes, whenever Geuse was in the room he had a habit of bringing about the worst puns in known to exist. She watched amazed as her ex-partner let his & Lydia's puns transform the ghost and surrounding environment into whatever they verbally threw at one another.

"Ok, ok." She slammed her hands once more on the desk. "CHILDREN, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Both "harrumphed" and sat back down; looking in opposite directions. _'Powers That Be, there just like two seven year olds!_ ' Juno thought amazed. Shaking her head she looked towards the clock on the wall and frowned. It was almost time to send the Deetz girl back home. "Ok, I don't have much more time with you Miss Deetz." Juno didn't break eye contact with Lydia. "Shut it and keep it zipped, Geuse, I'll deal with you later."

Lydia giggled and she watched Betel mumble a curse and shift in the uncomfortable chair.

"Now, Lydia. I'm afraid I'll have to inform you of your new situation concerning your house at another time. If you stay any longer you'll risk skipping a day in the Realworld." Lydia's shoulders slumped in disappointment. Juno took another long drag from her cigarette. "Don't worry I'll be back to talk with you in a month when the Maitland's court hearing comes up." She blew the smoke directly at the surprised teen.

Betelgeuse watched in mild fascination as the girl didn't scream or freak out. Rather she giggled as the smoke tickled her. Lydia gave Juno an upset look and Betel was amazed. Why didn't the girl want to leave The Neitherworld? She couldn’t **want** to stay, right? His confused expression must have shown, because all of a sudden the girl's large brown eyes were staring at his, her mouth in a smug upturned grin that showed her pearly white teeth. The little snot actually had the gall to wave goodbye at him. So before she completely disappeared he did what any six-hundred-thirty-seven-year-old would do.

He blew a raspberry at her.

"Well, now that she's gone. Lets discuss you."

"Oh, gooo-deee." He sing-songed in a high pitched version of Lydia's voice.

Betelgeuse propped his feet up onto the desk and leaned back enough that the chair could balance his spectral weight. He watched as the smoke filtered up through the cracks. ' _This is gonna be fun…_ ' He thought, bitterly. Another piece of plaster smacked him in the face as he stared at the ceiling.

All he could do was smile.


	3. The Picture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice, the movie or the TV series.

...

"So what's first on the agenda, Babes?"

" _First:_ Do NOT call me _Babes_." Juno narrowed her eyes at him. " _Second:_ Get your **chintzy** PVC loafers off my desk."

He didn't move.

*Betelgeuse = Total pain in the ass.*

Juno pinched the bridge of her nose and crushed her cigarette. She'd forgotten how much of a hassle her ex-apprentice had been. Looking down at her desk she peered at his file that was thicker than the tome it sat next to: "A Hand Guide to The Bureau of Sweetness and Prissiness" and wanted to laugh at the fact.

"Did you know that the B.S. & P. have asked me to review your file, personally?"

"Fer cryin' out loud!" Betel started to loudly weep and wail. Making a face of annoyance, he forced the translation-disease to stop, and cleared his throat. " _Ugh_ … Look, Juni, you can tell those _prissy tarts_ to go jump in a sand-trap – _complete with Sandworms_ – for all I car-"

" ** _Betelgeuse-Betelgeuse-Betelgeuse._** "

He straightened his back and sat stiffly in the chair. His feet firmly planted on the floor, hands gripping the armrests, and stared her down. Juno tensed. It wasn't often she used his full name; let alone called it in threes. He was relatively sensitive about it, the Curse of Three, and because of this she never chose to invoke its power.

"This is _serious_."

Betel's eyes shifted, at random, to a picture in the far corner of the office and glared at it.

The man in the picture stuck his long green-striped tongue out at the camera and flashed a peace sign; he was celebrating his second century as a "case guide" under the guidance of his mentor. Betel stood with a disinterested looking Juno; she had on a toga like suit with a large pin that read: JUNO, and underneath her name _,_ Case Worker. During that time he had purple skin, bright yellow hair, and jaundice yellow eyes.

Since he was a suicide, but mostly because he'd croaked ' _ol-natural,_ he got to wear whatever he wanted. When he started to become powerful he could change at will. The outfit he'd wore in death happened to be a strange combination of period pieces – 18th century shoes, 19th century jeans, trench coat, button down shirt, and a 1950's police cap with a small plaque that read 'Guide'. A weird outfit for a man who died in the 13th century, but the Neitherworld didn't work like the Realworld did. Food, clothing, architecture, and all sorts of things from the future and the past mixed together in the afterlife.

Only the dead usually chose to stay the same.

The clothes in the picture appeared wet. At the time he still suffered from "Post-Mortemiterate" a disease caused by the details of his drowning. As if stuck in a time loop the disease made his spectral skin constantly ooze water which soaked the clothes he wore, and dampened the rooms he was in. It made his job as a pencil pusher an un-living _hell_.

However, it later turned into a positive, since almost everyone was trying their hardest to appear human… to look _alive_. Betel had become one of the few dead guys that could "sweat" thanks to his suicidal-disease. Eventually, he dried out over a period of six-hundred years. Now he only appeared moldy - a product of the algae drying out, and dusty thanks to his trouble-attracting afterlife  & constant visits to Saturn.

Thinking back, his arrival in the Neitherworld hadn't been a pleasant experience, the main reason being: he died nude. While living, he figured drowning was the best way to go. One day he found an old wash tub, his size, in some shotty boarded-up shack. There were plenty of abandoned houses to choose from ( _the plague had that effect_ ), but he wasn't picky. Besides, it was already full of water for him, granted the water was slightly green… but he was lazy and worn out. He'd been walking from devastated village to devastated village for **months**. Betelgeuse didn't heat the water, he stunk and really had no problem taking a "last" bath.

That simple.

So when he'd popped in the Waiting Room for the first time, naked, with a layer of algae-slime from the tub clinging to him, it was safe to say he was embarrassed. This is how Juno first met him: wet, nude, slimy, and crude. The woman put up with his antics, helped him get over the fact that he died, _had_ ** _killed_** _himself_ , and became his mentor.

The good-but-strange memory made Betel's demeanor soften and relax. Then he remembered the reputation he owned up to: The ( _self-proclaimed yet-not proven wrong_ ) "Ghost with the Most". He had by far become one of the most powerful and feared poltergeists in the Neitherworld; he _wasn't_ going soft. Cursing under his breath Betel's eyes hardened and turned back to Juno. The woman never changed. Just like the picture, with the exception of her suit, she was still old, wrinkled, and a sour sarcastic hag full of bureaucratic bullshit.

"So what can I do? **Nothin'.** My Juice doesn't work on "official" bull-crap."

Juno glowered at him. "This mess is your own damn fault, you know! Hell, I don't even know why I'm helping you!"

"Why _are_ you helpin' me?" He cocked an eyebrow at her.

She sighed and flopped into her chair. Pulling out another cigarette she lit the ash stick and took long drag.

"I don't know..." Her eyes briefly shot to the picture then back at him. "…I plead "Sympathy for the Dead"."

Betel rolled his eyes and Juno's smile faded.

"Why'd you turn _Limbo_ , Betelgeuse?" At her question he fidgeted, nervous, but kept quiet.

Juno looked down at the file on her desk as she waited for him to speak. He was groaning in protest. It was the Bureau that made most of the Neitherworldian's laws and who assigned the most severe of punishments. The system was relatively simple once you figured it out.

First: "The Powers That Be", an unseen spiritual force that seemed to run the Neitherworld since time began. The Powers That Be hold sway over all who venture to the Hereafter or are re-born in the either the Neitherworld or the Realworld.

Second: "The Bureau of Sweetness and Prissiness", the highest of corporal controllers in the Neitherworld. They control Neither-Neitherland, a dimension known for its backwards approach to "re-form" ghosts, all Neither-Jails, and use magically incline mind-warped poltergeists ( _EX: Ms Goody-Two Shoes_ ) to enforce their laws.

Third: "The Supreme Spiritual Court" is the most known system in the Neitherworld; it basically copied the living's own judicial system. All ghosts eventually meet this system when they arrive in the Neitherworld. Many ghosts have to be processed, given specific jobs or assigned to spectral perimeters in the Realworld. Then there are those who just "live" out their afterlives. They usually are the ones to have natural disputes or break Neitherworldian law, and go see a judge & jury.

With Betelgeuse's case, he'll have to pass all three systems. Just fighting the "normal" judicial system would be hard; Judge Mental always made both their afterlives un-living hells. But going up against the B.S. & P. and the P.T.B.? Juno rubbed her temples. Then there was the matter of her …retirement. Betelgeuse was _screwed_ and not in the way he _liked_. "I need your answer, Beetlejuice." She said his name differently in hopes to get him to answer.

"Yeah… um-uh. Kinda don't recall what you're gettin' at?" He avoided her eyes.

' _Liar._ ' She thought. " **Beetlejuice** …" His left eye twitched. "… _please_ don't play head-games with me. You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about."

Betelgeuse shuffled around in his seat. His eyes traveled all over the room, and with a swift movement cracked his back and sat on the edge of the chair. He leaned forward and gave her a crooked grin. "Never could fool ya with the 'stupid bit', eh, _June-bug_." His smile faltered as he sat back. "Ah, well. Let's see…" He cracked his knuckles; followed by his neck. "Ya mean: why'd I go from bein' a poltergeist to bein' a "Limbo" … _right_?"

" _Yes_ , Beetle, now **quit** stalling." Juno kicked him underneath the desk, hard, in the shin.

" _YAOOOwwch_! **Junes**! That _huu-ret!_ " She gave him a flat look. " _Yeash_ , menopause much?" Juno went to kick him again. "FINE! **Fine** , I'll tell ya… but I won't like it." He said dramatically, flinging one arm over his eyes as he draped himself over the chair. "It's like this ya see… went through the whole "re-birth" shit a’round, _hmm_ … 1932. Ya know how it works: un-live your afterlife from infancy till your death-age, grow up in a different time period, re-meet the family – _bonding_ & crap." He waved his hand in the air nonchalantly. "Got _old_ quick, heh-heh …ya get it?"

Juno refolded her hands and scowled.

" _Meh_ … ya no fun, ya know that Junes?" He shook his head at her. "Anyways, by the time I hit that _magic number_ it was 1969 and ma was always naggin' me about cleanin' up my act, and dad's on my back 'bout gettin' a job, and Donny was bein' – _Donny_ , and all that shit… put up with that fer' _four freakin' years_." He sighed dramatically. " _Constantly_ on my case; wouldn't leave a dead man **alone**!" He took a deep breath. "So I decided: "Hey, if they want ta be up my **ass** they might as well deal with it _"_ … _again_." Betelgeuse paused. "… _sooooooooo,_ I re-filed."

"You re-applied for re-birth?" Juno asked perplexed. "So **soon**?"

"Yep." He crossed his arms behind his head. "Dropped out in kindergarten though; 70's were a **bitch**."

"Y-You **_dropped out_**?" He closed his eyes at her shocked expression and leaned back in the chair. "Of your _re-birth_ cycle?

" _Uh-huh_ , yes-sir-ree, _abso_ -lutetly, right- _on_ , yep- _er_ -eino, wee-wee, si Senorita, hai arigato gozai _masu_."

' _What an idiot._ ' Juno thought, then face-palmed.

"Finally decided ta take dad up on his "get a job" 'she-peal, an' filed for my bio-exorcist permit." He stuck his normal pink tongue out at her. "Fourteen years later… and, as you can see, here I am!" He opened his arms wide and sarcastically smiled.

"That doesn't explain my earlier question."

"I'm gettin' to it! Keep your panti-"

" _Shut it_ Geuse, I've had enough of your **puns** for today." He gave her a wicked grin. " _Please_ , continue."

"Ahh…where was I? Oh yeah, my _gig._ " He began to float above the chair. "Picture this: it's the winter of 1983, I'd just gotten done with a job in this rickety old _shit-hole_ – a real dump by breather standards – I could'ta lived there mind ya, but my client, this guy with a gun-wound ta the head, _total loon_ , wanted these drugies outta there. _On. The._ ** _Spot._** _"_ Betelgeuse was getting excited and started making random hand movements to go with his story. He was currently floating upside down with his white-green hair touching the seat. Juno was bored and truly felt he was just stalling again by telling her this wild story.

"So I do the job, and _guess_ what? Grape-shot-fer'-brains ain't got nothin' ta pay with!" His hands shot out towards the ground in aspiration. "Now, I got him cornered, I'm right about ta send this turkey packin' when he tells me the _sweetest_ bit o' information…" Betel flipped his body right ways up and sat Indian-style. Floating in the air three feet off the chair he grasped his ankles, wrinkling his velvet suit even more, and bent forward. Betel's eye's shown with mischief and Juno had a feeling she knew what came next.

"Bastard told me how ta get _OUT_." Betelgeuse cackled with glee, doing a flip over the chair. "Said he "knew a _guy_ " _a_ nd that all I had ta do was get some virgin broad ta marry me and **POOF**! I'm OUT, she's IN, and _all's well that ends well!"_ He sung.

Juno's spectral skin prickled. "How did you know Lydia is a virgin?"

"Are you _KIDDIN'_?" He put his hands on his hips. "Could smell the little **whip** a mile away!" Betelgeuse reclined back in the air. "Sides, a girl like that just oozes innocence, _morbid_ _innocence_ , but HEY! That's my kinda thing…" He wiggled his eyebrows.

Juno looked at him in disgust. She knew Betelgeuse was low on the ecto-ladder but she never thought him to sink THAT low. Would he have really exchanged his place in the Neitherworld for hers in the Realworld? Well, the proof was here – quite literally, surrounding her.

"It wouldn't have worked."

"What?" He stopped spinning in the air. "'Splain?"

"Ever hear of "Till death do you part"?" Juno smirked at him, cigarette to her lips.

"Didn't include it." He showed her a toothy grin. "If it's not _said_ it  _doesn't_ count."

Juno sunk back in her chair and thought about everything he'd just told her. She had to know. "So why did you turn into a _Limbo_ ** _Demon_?** "

He gulped and went quiet as he stopped mid air-roll to look at his ex-mentor. A particular expression plastered itself to her face: contemplation, disgust, quizzical perplexity, and a small amount of curiosity. He could mess with her, sure, but he was in real deep shit. Loath it as he may – Betelgeuse figured telling her the truth might be the only good way out of the situation.

"Needed the power, Babes." Then as an afterthought: "Plus it helps control the _"Literal-Translation-Stuff"_." He air-quoted.

"What did I say about calling me _Babes_?"

Betel shrugged. "Whatever _._ " He sat back down in the chair. "Bein' the beginin' 'stage of a Neitherworld demon isn't so bad. Actually, it pisses the real ones off to… * _snort_ * … _no high heaven!"_ Betelgeuse bent over and gushed at his joke; a small crack splitting his head in two just stopping above his nose. "Ah- _ha-ha-ha_ , I crack myself up…"

"Why would _you_ need more power?" Juno's head lolled to the side, unfazed.

"Oh, my deary-me!" He used a high-class snobby accent. "I just wanted some extra power for those lovely little road-trips to the _Realworld Art Museums_ … they happened to be in a special cutsy-wootsy little town somewhere near _CONNETICUT!_ But ya might as well call it: **_'BUM'S-FUCKIN'-NO-WHERE_**!" He screamed. " _Winter-Rivers_!" He snarked sarcastically. "What a **S-N-O-R-E** fest." Betel's head fell back and he began to snore obnoxiously loud.

"Well, if you hadn't _done_ what you _did_ in France, you wouldn't have been transferred to the states."

" _ **Hey…**_ " His head shot up. "Wasn't my fault Napoleon decided to _Water-On-Lue_ …" He straitened his lapels. "…'sides it was 'supposed to be a miss direction."

"You shouldn't have been OUT in the first place!" Juno huffed. ' _If only I could re-kill him myself._ ' she thought bitterly.

"Any- _way_ … I decide to relax a bit. Ya know, take some time off, read the _obituaries._ Wait. **FIVE. _YEARS_**." He rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "Made the deal ta become what ya see." He gestured to his body. Betelgeuse shifted uncomfortably in his chair and pulled at the bow around his neck. Juno's glare was making him nervous. Speaking of his body… he could use his Juice. That meant he could change his clothes. Betelgeuse snapped his fingers and found himself once more in his beloved striped suit.

Strangely, he felt much more confident. "Figured I'd find the right _idiots_ ta call me out, _thankfully I did_ , and use my souped-up Juice ta tether myself to their perimeter-"

"You _attached_ yourself to their **HOUSE**?"

"…maybe." ' _More like that crappy model…_ ' He thought; avoiding her eyes once more. "Only a matter of time before I'd do some sleuthin' – either find me a _little_ _darlin'_ outside that crappy house, or in the case that _floods_ your office…." He gestured to the paper filled room. "…I'd snatch up the _budding-beauty_ that moved in."

"Power would'ta also helped seal the oral contract…" Betel sat back and unconsciously began to scratch his balls. It was Juno's turn to look at the ceiling. When she turned back at him he'd begun to smell his fingers. Juno suddenly found the wood grain in her desk _very_ interesting. "…had I not been so _rudely_ devoured – NO THANKS, Babs!" He yelled to the ceiling.

"I suppose those new powers helped you survived the Sandworm." At the mention of "Sandworm" Betel's eyes bulged. "How **else** could you have survived the _incident_?"

"Yeah…uh, had ta use a lot o' my new Juice on keeping my form corporal." He closed his eyes. "…and for survivin' till, ha-ha, ya know…it _flushed_ me out." He gave a nervous chuckle.

If Juno was nauseated she kept it masked.

"Hmm… It's also explains why you look the way you do." Her hand gestured to his face then to the picture on the wall he'd been studying earlier. "If you were still a poltergeist your face would be a darker shade of purple and you wouldn't have that god-awful-mold."

"Hey, I ** _like_** what grows on me." Feeling offended, Betelgeuse watched as she got up and picked up the picture.

Juno stood there and stared at the photo in her hands for a minute, reminiscing. Walking around the desk she sat on the edge in front of him. Juno held it out, and hesitantly, he took in his left hand. "That picture is _what_? Almost four-hundred and forty-six years old?" she asked.

"Four-hundred and forty-seven."

"So I was off by a year. Still..." She took a drag. "Not bad."

Betel's thumb rubbed the thin layer of dust off his old face and a small smirk graced his features. He remembered the good ol' days. The stories that went around the office, the pranks he was just starting to pull, and generally forming the character that he'd become in the future.

Then his smile fell.

Betel remembered _why_ he wanted _out_.

He wanted to **live** again.

That's why he'd made his signature suit bold black & white strips: noticeable, loud, obnoxious, filthy, smelly, and it made him feel _ALIVE!_ His suicide was a mistake – he wasn't meant to be here for the rest of his afterlife! Like a box too small to contain him, he wanted OUT, to be in the REALWORLD! To prank and scare LIVING people!

Six hundred years ( _technically he only served four_ ) of civil service, for _what?_ So he could sit in Juno's cramped side office filling out D-90 request forms? Have a few years off in-between to mess with a populace that would rather get **_rid_** of him than accept his personality? Be bored out of his mind while he was surrounded by a bunch of stiffs?

"No, it _was_ bad." He shoved the picture back at her. "…and _utterly_ ** _boring_**."

For a millisecond Juno looked sad; he felt her pity. She knew him better than anyone, having been there for him right from the start, but all too soon she went back to being the leathery-smoke-harpy that he almost preferred. Juno's hands gripped the picture frame so hard the glass shattered.

"Listen here, _Geuse_ ," Juno grabbed his ear and turned him to face her. "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: if you don't give this _demon_ shit up soon you're going to be dressed in white and shoved in a **closet** , _THEE_ ** _CLOSET_**! And I _WON'T_ be able to HELP you!"

Curiosity peaked, he asked: "Why not?"

"Because…" She paused and let go of him. Leaning back on the desk she took the picture out of the frame and tore it in two. Juno handed him the half with his face.

Betel took it without breaking her eye contact. He felt the strangest sensation of… _fear._ Oddly enough, not for himself.

"After the Maitland's trial," She took an un-needed deep breath. "… and _before_ **yours** , I'll be petitioned for my retirement." Juno's voice choked. "I'll be s-sent to the _Hereafter_." The one thousand and fifteen year old woman gripped the photo as if it held the answers to the universe. She shook like a fragile leaf and let loose all the years of torment.

Betelgeuse could only stare at her in horror.

Juno was _crying_.


	4. The Ring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice, the movie or the TV series.

…

Smoke filtered into a purple, pink, and black room. With a loud 'pop' a girl solidified and firmly landed face first on her floor. "Ow." Came her muffled voice from the carpet. Quickly she crawled up onto the bed and looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin had become a pale ash grey and her eyes were shadowed, yet she wore no make-up. She looked _awful,_ Lydia LOVED it.

Real!

It was REAL!

Of course it was real, she'd had breakfast with two ghosts yesterday morning and had almost married a poltergeist, three… she looked at the clock; 2:30am, no, four days ago! Squealing in delight she heard her father pound on the bed room wall, a signal for her to go back to sleep. Didn't they wonder where she was? Did they even know she'd left the house? She sat down on the bed and thought about it.

No… probably not.

' _Shouldn't have Adam and Barbra-_ ' Lydia's mind stopped. "OH. MY. GOD! **Adam**! **Barbara**!" Lydia moved like lightning from her bed, noticing thankfully that the glass had been cleaned up, and zoomed towards the attic. In her rush she tripped up the steps twice and practically body slammed the door open. The two ghosts both jumped at the intrusion. ' _Ironic, I_ ** _scare_** _ghosts…_ ' Lydia deadpanned in her mind. She started to cry when Barbara came over to hug her.

"Are you _alright_?"

"Oh Sweetie, were the one's who're supposed to be asking you that."

"I'm **fine** , but how ar-"

" _Lydia_." Adam approached her; he was partially blocked by Barbara. "I-I just wanted to _apologize_ for what happened earlier."

Tears welled up in her eyes and she jumped at him.

"It's ok, Adam. I'm fine." She turned to Barbra. "You guys, um, _ate_?" Both ghost looked to the floor in embarrassment and both nodded yes. Lydia couldn't contain the smile she was wearing. Hopefully, it will be like nothing had ever happened.

"Charles is gonna **freak** …" Adam rocked back on his heels.

"No worries, Dad won't mind, I'll just explain-"

"Lydia, no. Please don't tell your parents what we became- um, uh, what happened." Barbara pleaded.

"Well, I guess I could do that… I'll just go down in the basement tomorrow and use the dark room all day, at least that will get you guys off the hook and explain the light bill. Maybe I could even do some spring cleaning while I'm down there?"

Barbara and Adam both smiled at the young girl. Secretly each of them wondered if this was what it would have been if they'd had a child. Barbara was once again the first to hug Lydia and grew misty eyed as the girl gave a firm hug back. Finally letting the young girl go when she gave a rather loud yawn.

"Thank you, Lydia you've been a big help, but now…" He gave her another hug. "It's well past your bed time."

"Awe, but-"

"No buts. Now off to bed and be _careful_ going down those steps."

" _Hmph,_ fine. Night Adam, night Barbra." Slowly Lydia trudged over to the door and with heavy foot falls made it down towards her room.

The Maitlands both let out a sigh of relief. When Lydia had walked into the room it felt as if a surge of energy filtered into their bodies, lighting them up. Barbara couldn't help but want to protect her, still slightly untrusting of her husband. Adam only wished to apologize without drawing any energy from the young girl.

"This is going to be a long month." Barbara massaged her temple.

"Don't worry, Honey, Lydia's a strong girl. Everything will be fine." Adam reassured. ' _I hope._ ' He thought.

...

"AHH, eww YUCK!" Barbara moaned from the cellar steps.

Lydia threw out the third dead rat carcass and smiled over shoulder at her "adopted" mother. "It's not that bad you know. Didn't Adam do this all the time?"

"Yes, but I still find it gross." Barbara crossed her arms. "I don't see _why_ you like it?"

"I like dead things…" Lydia smiled.

Barbara shook her head an announced that she would be upstairs, doing the dishes, and that if Lydia needed anything - _anything at all-_ to yell for her. Lydia nodded her head and went back to cleaning the basement. It was ten minutes after Barbara "The Hawk" Maitland let Lydia alone that she'd found it. The ring was a simple gold band with a small purple crystal embedded in the top. The crystal appeared to have been attached with silver. The ring was old and must have belonged to…

"Beetleju-" Lydia clapped both hands tight over her mouth. The cold stone of the ring poked her cheek. When she brought the ring up in front of her eyes Lydia noticed its beauty. The little metal band seemed to scream her style. The Goth found herself tempted to put it on. Slowly she brought her right hand up and wiggled her fingers.

She imagined Beetlejuice in her mind.

Digits could represent your social status, especially, when a ring is involved. Beetlejuice had tried to marry her but failed. So her left hand would stay bare. Not that she'd actually put it on her left ring finger! That would be _insane_. But her right hand…

This gave a ring a whole new meaning. She wiggled her fingers once more. Her mind kept going towards the "engagement finger", the one right next to her pinkie. Lydia bit her lip. Putting the ring on that finger could mean three things. One she was engaged. Two she was promised to someone. Three she had a best friend. Technically, truly pouring her thoughts over the subject, she was still "engaged" to the Gost with the Most. Not that she wanted to be mind you, but she had said yes to his marriage proposal.

Obviously, the wedding went bust. While the idea of being "promised" to Beetlejuice turned her stomach - it was plausible. Like the engagement aspect, the ring would symbolize a promise for something more than friendship. To Lydia anything involving more than a platonic relationship with the pesky poltergeist seemed unsettling and sickening. So finally: the "best friend" option. Could she be best friends with Beetlejuice? The thought made her laugh, but the more she truly analyzed the idea, the more she liked it. No doubt, BJ would fit the fun end of the friend bill, after all the man could _float!_ Lydia laughed at the memory of him hiking his pants up as he tried to straighten his suit.

"Imagine: _me_ friends with _him_!" She shook her head.

"Who would you be friends with?" Lydia practically jumped out of her skin at the sound of Adams disembodied voice. Quickly she stuffed the ring in her pants pocket.

"A-Adam, you scared me!" Lydia said; the ghost blushed in embarrassment.

"Sorry, I just came down her to get some brushes. W-Who were you talking about?"

Adam looked curious and cautious at the same time, as if, at any moment something… or _someone_ would jump out at him. Lydia felt perturbed. She had to lie.

"Oh, um, j-just a boy I met at school…"

"Lydia, you go to an _all-girls_ school." He cocked his head at her.

"Ah, _ha-ha_ , yeah but as, um, as a ...prank they snuck in!"

"In the middle of the day? While classes were in session?"

"Yep… got in a LOT of trouble." Her face turned red. "I-I kinda liked one…" A picture of Beetlejuice flashed in her mind and Lydia cringed at the floor.

"Oh, w-well…" It was Adam's turn to feel uncomfortable. "Ah, you know, b-be _safe_ and all…" He cleared his throat. "I'll be, um, upstairs in the attic if you, uh, n-need any ad-advice." Swiftly he gathered up his supplies and without thinking, he was so unhinged by the conversation, he dashed up through the ceiling. Lydia's mouth hung open. Not only did Adam perform a ghostly act, something the Maitland's rarely did, but he'd thoroughly embarrassed the both of them.

"What a weird day…" Lydia shook her head and went back to cleaning, having completely forgotten about the ring in her pocket.

…

_June 16, 1988. Two weeks later..._

…

Lydia thought that with school being let out the awkwardness in the house would have gotten better instead of worse, but both Adam & Barbara avoided the Deetz as if they carried a fatal ghost disease ( _talk about an oxy-moron_ ). It really sucked and made her thirteenth birthday much more awkward than it already was. Lydia missed how interesting the Maitland's used to be, and how the cool ghost powers were when it came to getting an A on a math test.

"No more dancing to calypso." Lydia got up and walked over towards her dresser. Depressed, she sat down and studied herself in the mirror and made a face. Lydia tried to copy Boris TuDeth's famous expression from one of his classic movies. Frowning at her poor execution, she examined herself. Her skin had regained its peachy color, but her eyes were still shadowed. "You could pass for one of the dead." She told the other Lydia in the mirror. "All you need is the right tools."

Gingerly she opened the bottom drawer of her vanity. Inside was a gift her mother had given her for her twelfth birthday. It was a mini-compact with two eye shadows in it: pink and a smoky purple. Having never really bothered with make-up before the young Goth started out light. After a few trials & errors, and many, many, tissues later Lydia finally got just the right "look". The process was simple and once she'd gotten the hang of it, fast. She dusted the pink across the top of her eye lid, and then around her eye well spread the purple. Looking in the mirror, she made a cute face at the deathly looking figure staring back at her.

She laughed.

Picking up her compact Lydia thought of her mother: the Soulless Lawyer. Her mother wasn't dead in living terms, but when it came to family ties – yes Lydia Deetz's biological mother was dead to her. The woman was a lawyer for crying out loud and didn't even fight for visitation rights! Her mom had been too busy for her.

This led Lydia to a few psychological changes at an early age. She'd become to grown up for her age group, she didn't like bright colors, chose to dress prudishly, her confidence was crap, and she began divulging in ideas of suicide. Her father hadn't helped at all. As soon as Charles Deetz met Delia his world had zeroed in on her as a distraction. She didn't have black hair, brown eyes, a decisive knack, or an air of indifference. She wasn't a carbon copy of his ex-wife. She was fun, and spontaneous, and wonderfully good in areas Lydia never wanted to think about that involved her parents.

She sighed.

Then came the Maitlands. What she thought would be her greatest secret: two new friends who were dead. Who were _ghosts!_ Instead, she'd gotten an extra set of parents. They were almost like the opposite of her real parents. They fret and worried over her, then when she'd ask them about having some "ghostly" fun they clam up and disappear into the attic.

Don't get her wrong, she wasn't friends with the Maitlands just because they were ghosts. She truly was beginning to love Barbara and Adam like they were her parents. However, what she'd wanted was a friend, someone she could get into mischief with. Barbara only wanted to see her expand her wardrobe's hue from black, purples, and reds to brighter cheery pastels and pinks. Adam, especially after the light bulb incident, became constantly concerned with her safety in the house. He even went as far to lock her door at night so she didn't sleep walk down the stairs.

To her knowledge she'd never once slept walked.

Lydia stared at the paper on her desk. Her mind swirled with images of a slimy poltergeist. She bet he would have made an excellent friend. Picking up a pencil she began to write:

* * *

_The Best Friends Deal_

_I, Lydia Joyce Deetz of sound mind, body, and soul here by strike a bargain with the ghost known as ______ in order to become best_ **_friends_ ** _. As such, I Lydia Joyce Deetz promise to let one, ______ set free into the Realworld by saying the second parties name three times. In exchange, ______ must offer Lydia Joyce Deetz the same opportunity to travel to the Neitherworld via his magic:_

_Thou I know I should be wary,_

_Still I venture someplace scary,_

_Ghostly hauntings I turn loose,_

_( **Second parties name is spoken three times** )._

_Both parties shall adhere by the following stipulations, and if any are broken, severe punishment (the one thing the accused party absolutely hates and picked out by the abused) will be brought upon if this rule is not followed or exploited._

_Being "best friends"_ **_does not_ ** _mean: sexual partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, nor does it insinuate either party being in a relationship of any kind. Definition of Friend: a person who is known well and is fond of; an ally, a supporter, or a sympathizer._

_No sexual comments, actions, or innuendos shall be stated or acted upon while in the same, ten foot, vicinity of one another._

_No propositions of marriage – of any kind._

_Touching consists of 'safe' appropriate areas as determined by Lydia Joyce Deetz._

_No kissing, unless it's used to save someone's life._

_No cursing, this means all vulgar and offensive language, in any language – including Morse code, while in the hearing range or close proximity of either party._

_No threatening to harm family or friends of either party; absolutely no action upon threats if thought up or heard by other people._

_When out in either the Neitherworld or the Realworld both parties will do their best to stay incognito and not let it slip that they have a deal to travel between worlds; if found out by accident the situation will be dealt with when it arises._

_Neither party will try to find a way out of this contract or to abuse any unseen loop-holes._

* * *

Lydia sat back in her chair and reviewed the contract. Butterflies twisted around in her stomach. She felt like she might puke. Putting a hand to her head to stop the dizzy spell, she pulled out the ring from where she'd stashed it in her sock and with a piece of tape, stuck it to the bottom of the contract.

Rolling up the sheet of lined paper she wrapped a rubber band around it and shoved it underneath her bra strap. Fitting it to make it stay she once more looked at herself in the mirror. The girl staring back at her looked scared and fearless at the same time.

Lydia closed her eyes and wished for someplace scary.

…

_August 20, 1988. Two Months later..._

…

The paper wasn't an annoyance anymore, Lydia had finally gotten used to it being shoved into her bra. Thank goodness, since now she could move freely without having to itch her shoulder all the time. Barbara was starting to think she developed a rash…

Alone in her room, Lydia spread out on her bed and held a contest with the ceiling: who would blink first. Lydia: 0. Ceiling: 8. What was the _point_ of having ghosts in your house if all they wanted to do was act human? That was what Adam and Barbara were doing. They didn't act like ghosts, it was cool in the beginning when they were trying to scare her out of the house, but now… now they did everything in their power – not to use their powers!

Close to two MONTHS had past since she'd last spoken with Juno. The Maitland's couldn't leave the house for any outside summer activities, which dampened her mood, and now school would start in two days! Lydia turned over and sighed. She looked at the fog swirling in her mirror, then rolled onto her back, only a moment later did her eyes opened wide.

Fog?

"Wait a minute!" Lydia lurched off the bed straight onto the floor with a loud thump! Getting up off the floor she scrambled to her vanity mirror. Her mouth hung open as her eyes followed the graceful swirls of grey fog. Then a face slowly began to form and Lydia was greeted with the familiar face of Juno.

"Miss Deetz, your looking… disheveled."

"Oh, um, sorry… just got out of bed, _heh-he_." Lydia nervously replied.

"Yes, well, I came to tell you that I've spoken with Judge Mental about the situation in your house." She took a drag of her cigarette. "You're to stay in the Realworld while judgment is passed on the Maitland's, do you understand?"

"What, no! I have to be there for them! I was a major part in the incident with the house!"

"No you were a major part in the _interaction_ with the former poltergeist known as…" She paused and most of the smoke from her drag escaped out the slit in her throat. "… _you-know-who_."

Lydia shook her head, yes. Yes she did know _who_ , and if she had her way, she'd be there to help out her friends and possibly make a new one as well. The Goth shifted in her chair and felt the paper move underneath her bra strap. It felt like a lead weight.

"I-I know, Juno." Lydia eyed the mirror. "How does this work?" She tapped the glass.

"AHH, **stop that**! You break this thing while I'm in here and I won't be able to pull myself back together for a _month_!"

"Oh, sorry!" Lydia put her hands in her lap. "I was just curious."

"Yeah, well judging by our _feline population_ you can guess what happens to the curious." Lydia just gulped. "If you _must_ know, and I can tell by your face you _must_ , mirrors act as portals to the Neitherworld. Or if you're like me and don't want to use Smoke for an in-house visit, you give 'em a call."

Lydia smiled. "Deadly-voo."

Juno's alarm went off. "Oh, shoot my three o'clock! Sorry, but I gotta go. Tell the Maitland's I'll be over in tree weeks-"

"Three more weeks!" Lydia said, shocked.

"Yes, time flows differently between our worlds and I'm a very busy woman. I have several cases to wrap up before..." Juno paused looking upset, but then seemed to shake what'd bothered her off. "Anyway, remember to tell the Maitland's eight o'clock sharp, the ninth of September..." Taking a final drag if her cigarette the old woman checked her drooled. "Tch... I'm late, goodbye Miss Deetz." Juno waved her hand, disappearing, and in less than a minute the smoke cleared from the surface.

Putting her forehead to the mirror Lydia was surprised to find it freezing. A smile split her face as she pressed both hands against the chilled glass. Relaxing Lydia let her eyelids fall closed. The mirror slowly warmed up. Her shoulders sagged and she pulled one of her hands back to lay it on her tense neck. In her mind she pictured the fog, made it swirl in the mirror once more, and willed it too. As she did, her hand on the mirror began to get cold.

Lydia pushed against the glass barrier. She pictured him, probably still in that horrible maroon suit, giving her a lecherous crooked grin. Smiling, she knew he couldn't get to her. In her mind, his grin faded to a scowl and she giggled out loud.

For a moment her room was silent.

"Hey, _Babes_. What's so funny?"


	5. The Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice, the movie or the TV series.

…

Touching the mirror felt warm for him, and warmth was a commodity in the Neitherworld. Sure, Betelgeuse could get hot, produce heat, but it wasn't the same as "life-heat". If he hadn't opened his big mouth and scared her, he would have had that warmth a little longer. But _noooooo_ , he ruined it and now she sat there with fear in her eyes clutching her hand like he took a bite out of it.

' _Oops._ ' Betelgeuse thought and removed his hand from the mirror and smacked himself in the face.

Lydia sat quiet and still. Her eyes were wide, scared open, and she held her breath. ' _He can't really get me? Can he?_ ' She worried. Suddenly she felt very small and very scared. All thoughts of friendship flew from her mind as she began to remember his character. She blanched.

"Geez, Babes. Look like ya seen a GHOST!" Somewhere in the background she heard a ' _Ba-dum-tiss'_. He cackled and she relaxed a smidge.

"How did you do that?"

"How _die_ do _whut?"_ He mocked her and made a dumb face.

"That noise?" She waved her hand behind her. "In the background." He rolled his eyes at her and leaned into the mirror.

"A _true_ magician never reviles his secrets…" He stated in a snobby accent.

Betel watched as the girl's shoulders slumped and she put her hands on her chin. Lydia seemed to be examining his elbow. The kid looked _dead_ bored. ' _Bleeding hearts…_ ' Betel huffed. "Mmm, alright ya _twisted_ my arm." His held out his arm and it twisted, as if some invisible force was wringing it out. Lydia brightened up as he did this; her excited eyes focused on him once more. Betelgeuse, ever the show-pony, ate up the attention. No one in the Neitherworld found anything he did interesting, so it was nice to have an audience.

"To be a true magician: ya gotta be **dead**." He flat-lined; a monitor came out to show the flat-line then poofed away. Lydia's face fell. "Now, now: no sad faces!" He 'tsk, tsked', held up a finger and wiggled it at her. " **OR** ya gotta know a dead guy!" He gestured to himself. "And ya _do_." He pointed at Lydia.

"So I could use your magic?"

"Technically speakin'," He paused and looked at his nails. "…ya could." He shrugged.

She went to speak and he held up his hand.

"O'course, we gotta make a deal. Can't just have any _breather_ usein' up my _Juice_ and causin' havoc; I gotta have… _insurance_ , ya understand?"

To his surprise, Lydia didn't protest his suggestion; in fact she seemed to take the news like she'd won the lottery. This threw him off. ' _Weird little breather..._ ' He thought. Lydia on the other hand tried to keep her smile at bay. Could you say: perfect set-up?

"Well, I just so happen to have a contract." As if performing a magic trick herself, Lydia reached underneath her shirt and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper. "Ta-daaa!"

The expression on Betelgeuse's face was priceless. Then his jaw hit the floor. After a moment he realized what happened and left the mirror; he returned a short moment later with it re-hinged. The kid wanted to make another deal with him? Briefly he wondered if the girl wasn't all there, you know: koo-coo, koo-coo goes the clock. ' _Wait. What the hell am I thinkin'? This is_ **perfect**!' "Ok Lyds, let's see what ya got?" He smiled at her wickedly.

Excited she removed the rubber band and without him noticing, removed the ring and quickly stuffed it in her shirt pocket. Bringing the paper into his view she unrolled it and pressed it to the mirror. ' _He's taking his good sweet time reading._ ' Lydia thought. Then she heard a grumble and removed the paper.

Betelgeuse looked annoyed.

"So what do you think?" Lydia hesitantly asked.

Betel glared at her. "That **isn't** what I had in mind." He sagged against the mirror's frame. "You sure know how to make-em **iron-clad** Lyds…" A block of iron appeared above his head. He jumped as it fell towards him, dodging it.

"I don't see what's wrong? You get "OUT" and I get "IN". We both get what we wanted without-"

" _ANY OF THE FUN!"_ He finished for her. "NO SWEARIN'? NO SEXUAL HARASSMENT? You just want to be **FRIENDS**?!" Betelgeuse threw his hands up into the air and began to pace back and forth in the mirror. Speaking under his breath Lydia could only make out: " _Fuck, no cussin'…. can't kiss her? What the hell… theatin' family, piff…_ **incognito** _, how the hell does she even KNOW that word… ha-ha touchin' "safe" areas- I know what's "safe"… guess the weddin' ideas out…_ " Lydia sat back from the mirror and scanned her deal. She hoped he'd agree to it.

"So what do you say, _Best Friend_?"

He stopped pacing, turned to her, walked up to the mirror and gave her his best "serious" face.

" **Don't**. Say. That. _Ever._ Again."

"But-"

" **NEVER!** _AGAIN!"_

He glared at her and she glared back.

Lydia eyed him. He was in the weird striped suit he'd worn the day they made their first deal. Without him moving around so much, and being his normal size, she got a good look at him. ' _This…_ ' Her mind supplied. ' _…is what I was expecting when I think: ghost._ ' He wasn't gruesome or all "bloody veins and puss" ( _though he probably did have puss somewhere_ ), instead he looked like a corpse; a moldy corpse.

His hair was a white-green and stuck up away from his face. His skin was a pasty white with an underlining tint of lilac covered in splotches of green growth. Overall his features looked "normal". He had two sunk-in eyes that were purple-blue-black and bruised. His mouth had a pink tongue and his teeth seriously needed to see a dentist. The hand that was pointing at her was the same shade as his face and his fingernails were overgrown, jagged, and dirty.

' _With a ton of make-up, sleep, and several baths… he could probably pass for a human.'_ The thought seemed to mess with her sanity. Somewhere in the back of her mind a small part of her brain tried to reason that at one point he _had_ been human. It gave Lydia the chills.

Betel on the other hand was examining Lydia as well. The kid irked him like no other, worse than Juno, and constantly threw him for a loop. She wore a simple outfit: red shirt, black shorts, ballet shoes. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail that sat atop her head, bangs pointed over her forehead.

The one difference he noticed: her eyes. The girl was pale, not death pale, more like she needed a LOT of sun pale, but her peachy skin tone combined with her ink black hair made Lydia's eyes stand out. The make-up she used enhanced her brown eyes; making them center of attention. He found himself staring at them. Betel's eyes then dropped to her lips; chapped, cute, slightly pink…

"Ya know babes; a little lipstick would look great on ya…" He said without thinking.

Lydia blinked. "Really?" Coming out of her daze she reached over and opened her bottom drawer. She pulled out, and held up every tube of lipstick she owned. "I have red, black, pink, and glow-in-the-dark."

" _Glow-in-the-dark_ , huh? **Kinky** , Lyds." He wiggled his eyebrows. Lydia blushed and rolled her eyes.

"It was for _Halloween_. All my lipsticks are from Halloween; except the _pink_ one …Delia forced that one on me."

"Not a fan of make-up I take it?"

"Only if it makes me look **scary**."

Betel laughed at this; the kid was a hoot. "Sorry Lyds, you're too cute to be scary, but try that black and red combination – the colors suit ya." He winked at her.

"Well, I'll need my mirror back if I'm going to put on lipstick." She smirked at him.

"Sure, babes."

Lydia's smile faltered. Betel did something she hadn't expected. He pushed on the glass, and then as if it were a giant bubble wand, he took a deep breath and blew out a gust of wind. Lydia fell back out of her chair and managed not to scream. A small bubble, no more than 5 inches round, floated above her vanity. Picking up the chair she reseated herself. Betelgeuse sat in the bubble and her mirror shown only her reflection. Wide eyed and curious she stuck her hand out and accidentally popped the bubble. The miniature Betelgeuse shrieked in a squeaky high pitched voice as he fell to the surface of the desk, landing hard on his butt.

"Hey, watch it Lyds!" His voice was comical. "That wasn't funny! Hey! HEEEEY! _STOP LAUGHING_!"

"I'm sorry Beet- um, **BJ**." Lydia leaned in to look at him and a thought struck her. "How can you be OUT?"

"How can your breath smell like onions? I'm a ghost, babes, _duh_." She gave him a puzzled look. "Ok, you read the hand book, right? Remember the chapter on spectral perimeters?"

"Yes."

"Well, this is all I can pull off in the Realworld's perimeters without havin' anyone callin' me OUT, kay?" He paced her desk. "Juice can only go so far while I'm _stretched_ out like this."

"What do you mean by stretched out?"

" _Ugh_ … Look, pretend I'm this rubber band." Betelgeuse picked up Lydia's discarded rubber band. "Now, let's pretend I'm hooked on a pole in the Neitherworld. Say I want Out." He paused then broke into hysterical laughter. "Piff, whom am I kiddin' I always want OUT! * _snort_ * Anyway, with enough Juice I **can** get Out. **BUT.** And this is the big _BUTT_ … ha-ha. In order to get Out that rubber band has to stretch in-between two dimensions." Making his point he stretched the rubber band wide, his arms magically extending, till the rubber band was a foot long. "So after I hook it onta a pole in the Realworld there's not much to work with." The rubber band quickly snapped back to shape when he let go to pose and swept his arms in front of him.

"Oh, I get it." Lydia wrung her hands together. "So right now… could you, uh, _hurt_ me while you're Out?"

"Hurt ya? Nah, babes." He paused and actually thought about it. "Well, I can't kill ya, and 'sides wouldn't wanna hurt ya. Far as I see it you're my only ticket to gettin' Out."

Lydia looked dejected. He probably didn't want anything to do with her. "Marriage of inconvenience" that's how he once put it. So was she an inconvenience? Just a ticket Out?

"I guess becoming friends is out of the question."

"Nothin' personal, babes. I don't work well with others." He pulled something out from his jacket. "'Sort of a one man team, know what I mean?" Lydia watched as he flicked the miniaturized beetle up into the air, opened his mouth wide, and with a loud CRUNCH – ate the bug.

" _Uh-huh."_ After looking away she picked up the contract. "I hate to break it to you, **BJ** , but this is the only way you're making a deal with me, understand: this is the **only** way I'd let you Out. I will NOT marry you."

"HEY! You _forget_ something', Babes? We had a **deal**! You _broke_ that deal. I was the one who * _snort_ * managed to hold up my end of the BARGAIN!" He stopped his foot and looked like a child who didn't get his toy.

"Yes, we **had** a deal, and it fell through! _Literally_! Get. OVER. It." Lydia huffed and crossed her arms.

Betelgeuse's mouth hung open. "'Scuse me?" Lydia squirmed in her chair.

"You got **eaten** , remember?" She wouldn't look at him. "That mean's our previous deal is null & void."

"Why you- **you** \- ! How _DARE_ you bring that up!"

"What _do_ the insides of a Sandworm look like?" Lydia sneered then looked away from him.

"Let me out and I'll _show_ ya." He said in a low voice.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

"Lydia?" Adam asked. "Who are you talking to?"

Lydia's head snapped back to look down at Betelgeuse; who only held up his hands in defense. Why should he worry? Lydia would be the one in trouble. Whispering Lydia hunched closer to the tiny ghost.

"What should we do?"

" _We?_ Who said anythin' about "we"?"

"Get back in the **mirror** , BJ!" Lydia looked to the door and yelled: "I'm ge-getting dressed, Adam! Just, uh, give me five minutes, please! Thank you!"

"Oh, ok, take your time." Adam retorted.

" _Wow_ Lyds, oldest one in the book."

"Just…" She waved her hands in the air. "… _shut up!_ I have to hide you!" Lydia was panicking. She looked all around her room. He was small enough to hide anywhere, but she did NOT trust him to stay put. Turning back to the desk she focused on him.

"Go back into the MIRROR!" She whispered.

"Can't Lyds, ya have ta _send_ me back." He looked down at the desk. Betel began polishing his nails on his suit's lapels.

"WHAT?" Her hands slammed down on the desk, he jumped from the impact, but retained his composure. "I thought you said youwere **OUT!** "

"I am, but it's more like the "ball and chain" kind of Out." A ball and chain appeared on his left leg. "See Lyds, I can come out but I'm not _really_ Out. 'Smore like: you can get out of jail on a chain-gang, but you're not free ta do anythin' ya want; still attached ta the system. Capiché?"

"Then just get back on the bus and go back to jail!" She grit the words.

His smile faltered and he looked up at her. ' _Damn, kid ain't fallin' for it._ ' Betel sighed and put his hands on his hips. ' _What to do?_ ' He started to tap his foot.

"Lydia? Are you done? I need to speak with you."

"Ah! Not yet!" Lydia looked down at the ghost. " _BJ!"_

"Gotta say my name, babes."

Lydia pulled on her hair... then an idea hit her. Going through the drawers of her vanity Lydia pulled out her biggest scrunchie. It was mostly purple but had a small slash of pink in the middle, it matched her eye shadow. She began to wrap her hair in an up-do. Finished, Lydia wordless loomed over the tiny ghost-man; he looked up at her confused. She was a little hesitant about this plan. It involved _touching_ him. ' _Eww, gross._ ' Quickly, not giving him any time to react, Lydia snatched him up in her hands, and stuffed him underneath the scrunchie. Making a mad dash for her door she opened it and put on her best smile.

"Hi, Adam! What's the matter?"

"Um, nothing much…" He entered her room and looked around. "I just, uh, thought I felt the presence of another ghost."

Lydia's eyes went wide as she gulped down the saliva in her mouth. A buzzing noise was ringing in her ear. No, not buzzing. Betelgeuse was making weird little noises from her hair. Bringing her left hand up Lydia pat the scrunchie. Color drained from her face. She felt nothing.

"Uh- uh- …you must have felt, um, **Juno**!" ' _Yeah, that's it._ ' "She kind-of popped in earlier and told me to tell you guys she'd be by, um-uh, tomorrow at eight sharp."

"Really? Oh, that's good to know." He looked around the room. "I could have sworn I felt…"

"BABES!"

Lydia jumped two feet of the ground and screamed.

"Lydia! Honey, are you alright?" Adam made his way over to her and took hold of her hand. Lydia put her left hand to her head.

"Babes, tell him ya saw a rat."

"A rat?" She repeated, curious as to where Betelgeuse's voice was coming from.

"A rat." Adam looked perplexed. "Don't you like rats, Lydia?"

"What?" Betel sounded confused.

"Umm, yeah I do. Just, ah, n-not in my room! _Ha-ha_."

"Oh." Adam nodded. "Sure you're alright?"

"Tell him ya got your rag." Betel supplied in her ear.

Lydia turned red. "Oh, uh –actually Adam, I'm sort of…" She made hand gestures to her body. "…you know. Its, uh, that ti-time of the month…"

Adam blushed.

"Ah! Oh um, right! Well, I, uh… I'll just- yeah, just let- let you be…" Backing out of her room he stumbled out the door. "B-By the way Lydia I love the, uh, ne-new earring." Adam complimented before he turned and booked it down the hall.

Lydia shut the door. ' _New earring?_ ' She thought, confused. ' _I didn't put on-_ ' The penny dropped. ' _So that's where you've been hiding!_ ' Eyes narrowing, Lydia silently snaked her left hand up to her left ear. Sure enough, she felt the weight of a ball. Grabbing it she gave a gentle tug.

"YOWWCH!"Lydia cringed, he'd yelled right in her ear. " _Watch it_ , Babes!"

Following the chain she grabbed the tiny man's leg and pulled. Naturally, Betel grabbed onto her hair. As she yanked on him, he yanked on her.

"Ow, ow, **ow**! _LET!_ **GO!** _"_

"YOU! Ouch! **FIRST!** _"_

Frustrated, Lydia gave one last hard pull on his leg. Betelgeuse ripped out a few of her black strands but at least he was finally… out of her hair. ' _Ugh, the puns._ ' Gently she set him down in her right hand's open palm. He sat down, Indian style, and wrung the hair he'd ripped out. Lydia walked over to her bed and sat down.

"That hurt, BJ."

"You started it." He pouted.

Lydia could see this was going to get them nowhere. Setting him down on her bed she went back over to her vanity and picked up the contract. Returning to her bed she noticed Betelgeuse had made himself comfortable on one of her pillows.

"Nice digs, Lyds." He said in his small, squeaky voice. "Guy could get used to this."

Lydia rolled her eyes. Obviously, she needed to say his name to get rid of him. This situation just wasn't going to fly. Gripping the contract Lydia racked her brain for an idea. She had a hunch, but that's all it was, a wicked smile played across her lips as the plan formed. Picking up her pink lipstick she casually hid it in her other hand.

"Alright BJ, you win." The ghost sat up. "I'll, * _sigh_ * I'll call your name." She added a layer of hopelessness to her voice.

" _Awe_ , but Babes! I was just getting' comfortable!" He gushed. ' _HA! This is too easy! She'll say my name and I_ **will** _be OUT!_ ' He leered at her. ' _Then we'll really seal the deal! HA-HA-HA!_ '

"Ok…" Lydia closed her eyes.

"Beetlejuice." The ghost straitened his suit and leaned back. "Beetlejuice." Excitement bubbled up in his chest as evil plans formulated in his brain. "Sign the contract or I'll _make_ you."

Betel made a pose and waited for the return of his Juice. His eyes opened and he blinked at her and realized what she'd said. "What?" For some odd reason his mind pulled up a memory of him standing on the deck of the Inferno Room, asking her to let him Out, and being utterly befuddled as to **why** she would want IN. Right now he was feeling that same befuddlement.

"I told you: I'm not letting you Out unless you sign this contract." She held up the contract. "And if you don't sign it…" Her right hand unfurled. "I'll turn you into my new Living-Dead Doll." Stuffing the contract into her bra, she opened the pink lipstick and pointed it into his direction.

Betelgeuse just sat there and let her threat sink in. ' _Ridiculous._ ' He thought. ' _She's not serious?_ ' He looked at her face. ' _Yep, she's serious._ ' Betelgeuse did his best to stand up on the pillow and began clapping his hands together. "Kay, Lyds. Ya got me." She only thrust the lipstick in his direction. " **Stop** that! I'm tryin' ta ex'plain somethin' here!"

Lydia backed off but didn't cap the lipstick.

"Sheesh. Here, _listen_ _Babes_. I want OUT. I want Out so bad I can **taste** it, but I ain't signing that contract and there ain't NO way in **hell** I'm playin' _dolly_ with ya!"

At the look on her face he knew it was the wrong thing to say. She put the contract back in her shirt. Smiling at him she abruptly jumped on the bed, sending him sky-rocketing into the air, and as he fell she caught him in her free hand. Before he could get a word out she began to smear him with the pink lipstick.

"Ugh, ack, Lydi-AHHHHHH!" His head starting spinning and she stopped, dropping him to the bed spread. "Uuuh, _not_ groovy Lyds…" He tried to stand but only fell right back on his rear.

"OK, yo-you want IN fer ta-morrow?" She nodded and to his relief capped the lipstick. "Ho-How 'bout I go back in there." He jerked his thumb to the mirror. "An' ta-morrow ya say that cute little rhyme and come over fer the trial."

Several questions ran through Lydia's mind at once.

He could return to the mirror without her calling his name? Was he offering her the use of his magic to attend his Neitherworldian trial? How would saying her poem control his name's powers? Would he get out if she said it or did it only work for her travel to the Neitherworld?

"I don't trust you."

"AWE, _come on_ , Babes!" He felt weak having used a lot of his Juice, which was inconveniently located in the Neitherworld, while being stretched between the worlds.

He sighed.

"What da I have ta **DO**?!" Betelgeuse looked up at her. He was aggravated and getting annoyed with the clumps of pink lipstick that stuck to his face. Lydia gave him a smug look and pulled out the contract once more, unrolling it. She set it down in front of him. He'd been beaten at his own game… by a **teenager**. ' _Oh, the humiliation._ ' Grabbing a chunk of lipstick he wobbled over onto the contract.

' _This is_ **so** _NOT worth it…_ ' He thought and signed his name three times.


	6. The Red Tape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice, movie or cartoon. I make no monies.
> 
> I don't speak French, sorry if I killed the language. The story takes place late in the year 1988, so Lyds and Beej's "first year" together starts around the end of September in this fan fic.

…

Within seconds after his last signature Betelgeuse felt a pull on his soul. Then, just like the rubber band, snapped back to his side of the mirror. He watched as a confused Lydia searched for him.

"LYDIA!" Their eyes locked, right before a hand gripped his shoulder from behind, and ripped Betel away from the portal.

"Ow, who the **he** -" His hands slapped over his mouth of its own accord. ' _Shoot, I'm in her presence, no cursin'!_ ' He thought, and tried again after severing the connection in the mirror. "Who the **HELL** are _you_?"

"Were the P-Men."

"No kiddin'." They were both human sized letter P's; they wore policemen uniforms.

"You're coming with us, Beetlejuice, till your hearing with Judge Mental tomorrow."

The other letter-officer grabbed him and with its strength spun Betelgeuse like a top. The other P-Man pulled out what looked like red ribbon, starting at Betelgeuse's spinning feet, let the wrapping wrap him up like a present. Slowly he could feel the power of his Juice being contained within the tape.

"This will make sure you can't escape, it will keep your Juice tied down, _he-he_. Couldn't get out of this wrap-job even if you were _called_ out!"

"Rhmedph-tampehm-yomuph-gompt-topbe-kiughmdn-meh'! " Replied a steaming Betelgeuse.

"Ah, shut it, Beetlejerk." The other P-Man said as both cops grabbed and dragged him out the door.

…

"BJ? BEETLE-" She stopped. ' _Should I?_ ' Lydia got up from the vanity and began to pace the room.

She went to the bed and picked up the contact. It was signed, three times in the same name, in scribbled pink cursive script: Betelgeuse. Lydia panicked. Was that how his name was spelled? Didn't you pronounce it "Beetlejuice" not "Bee-tall-guy-st". She re-read the name; it could be pronounced as "Beetlejuice", but what if his real name was spelled: Beetlejuice. That would make the contract a dud!

She could take a chance. Call his name and hope that he'd used the correct spelling. However, he'd proven to be untrustworthy in their past three encounters. This sort of thing was right up his alley: sign a contract with an alternate spelling of his name to trick her into saying it – thus letting him OUT with no rules or stipulations.

"Oh god, what should I do?"

Lydia worried her bottom lip and shut her eyes tight.

"Be-Beetlejuice."

"Beetlejuice."

She paused.

"Beetlejuice."

Opening her eyes she waited ten minutes. Nothing happened. Worried she looked back at the contract then towards the mirror. Perhaps she'd said it wrong? No, it had worked the day he tried to marry her. Maybe he could refuse to show up? Or show up somewhere else? As a safety precaution she said his name three more times and went to lie back on her bed.

Lydia rolled up the contract and placed it back underneath her bra. There really wasn't any use in worrying about it. It Betelgeuse showed up in her room while she slept she would figure something out. Tired, Lydia stared at her clock.

"5:27. I can't believe I spent an entire Saturday in my room." Chuckling she stared at the ceiling and her eyes drifted closed.

…

_September 9, 1988._

…

"I **SLEPT** IN!"

Lydia's alarm clock read: 8:27. Dashing to her closet she pulled out whatever she grabbed first and threw it on the bed. Shimmying out of yesterday's clothes she ran over to her bedroom's bath and jumped in the shower.

When she came out it was 8:42. Putting on new underwear, and locating the contract from yesterday's clothes, she grabbed the dress she'd pulled out and tugged over her head. Looking down at the outfit she realized what she'd put on.

"Thank goodness for "School Improvement Planning Day". Otherwise I would have had to skip..."

Like the compact and the scrunchie, the dress had been a part of a present from her mother. The outfit form fit her and a shade of dark purple with long sleeves; tied around her waist sat a purple & pink sash. The dress stopped mid-thigh; a bit too short for her modest tastes. Lydia put on a pair of black caprie leggings. Slipping on her ballet shoes she stumbled over to her vanity, all the while tying her hair up in the purple-pink scrunchie, and began to apply the purple and pink eye shadow.

Examining herself in the mirror Lydia tried to think what was missing. She looked ready to go. The contract was hidden underneath her shirt. The ring was tucked in her dresses pocket. What was she missing?

Lydia looked down at the top of her vanity; chewing her lip. ' _…the colors suit ya…_ ' His voice repeated in her mind. Wearily, Lydia picked up the red lipstick and applied it to her bottom lip. A tad more confident, she picked up the black tube and smoothed it over the top lip. Overall Lydia liked the way she looked. The outfit didn't clash, even with the pink, and gave her a needed confidence boost.

She could do this.

Rummaging around her closet, Lydia pulled out an old round table and assembled it in the middle of her room. Running downstairs she found an old oil lamp and returned to her room. Tapping her feet she realized something was missing.

"A table cloth!"

Diving into her closet for the third time she pulled out a tub labeled: Halloween. Opening it she pushed the costumes, decorations, and nick-knacks out of her way till she got to the bottom. Carefully, she pulled out the hand-sewn green silk table cloth. I had a delightful spider web pattern on it and a hole in the center; another ill-forgotten gift from the now Ex-Mrs. Deetz.

"Perfect." Lydia smoothed the table cloth on the table, placed the lantern over the hole, and lit the wick for spooky ambiance. "Now, how do I get to the Neitherworld?" Her mind drew a blank. Unsure of how to proceed she took out her penned contract and gave it a once over, figuring it was now some-sort of magical artifact, and skimmed her hand writing.

Frustrated she tossed the curled paper onto the table. At first nothing was out of the ordinary, but then she noticed something strange happening to the contract: blood appeared. Un-curling the paper she held it up to the light. Blood underlined her written words then faded out of existence. Skimming the poem her * _ha_ * spirts lifted.

"I just hope this works…" Lydia took a deep breath & returned the contract back to its hiding place. She closed her eyes and imagined the Neitherworld. Betelgeuse popped into her mind's eye; holding one of his hands out to her. Slowly, Lydia lifted her arms up, in the distance a crack of thunder could be heard.

* * *

" _Thou I know I should be wary,_

_Still I venture someplace scary,_

_Ghostly hauntings I turn loose,_

_Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…"_

Lydia's eyes shut.

"… ** _Beetlejuice_**."

* * *

…

_Eight o'clock, sharp_

….

"Reed! What do you mean they've _changed_ the Maitland's Judge?!"

"I-I'm sorry, but Ju-Judge Mental had an em-emergency side hearing this m-morning!" Stuttered the young office page; his name tag read: Reed A. Filé.

"Of all the-" She slapped the decapitated ghost's head off. "How am I suppose to convince Judge, " _Throw 'Em in the Slammer_ ", **HAMMER** to give them an _appeal_?!"

"Start eatin' a lot o'bananas." At the sound of _his_ voice Juno bristled.

"Geuse?" Juno whipped around to face him. "What in the _Negaworld_ are you doing here?"

" **Welp** … I'd check my watch, but I'm a little _tied_ up at the moment; and if I _dooooo_ recall I have a hearin' tismorin'."

Juno rolled her eyes and took a good look at his "present" outfit.

"I see they've Red Taped you." She chuckled at him. "I'm surprised they didn't _gift-wrap_ your mouth as well." Juno held in a snort.

"They did." He grimaced; Juno could clearly see where they'd ripped the tape off.

"Ouch… Anyway, the Maitlands are already inside, I'm guessing they didn't see you or Adam would look like a Marvel superhero…" Betelgeuse gave her a confused look.

"Junes, don't get me wrong – I'm pretty up to date on all this modern bull, but… what the fuck are you talkin' about?"

"Do you recall the Class System?"

"Yeah, so what's your **point**? Do you want _me_ to explain it to them or 'somethin'?" Betel made a face.

"No Betel, I'd prefer you keep your distance from the Maitlands." She took a deep breath. "Adam and Barbara both jumped from a "Contained Roaming Soul" to a "Class 4 Rancorous Zeitgeist"."

Betelgeuse let out a long whistle. "That's bad, how'd – no wait – let me guess: their Temporal Poltergeists?"

"Yes..." Juno's shoulders fell.

"Class jumpin', who would'ta thought those two could do it…" Replied Betel amused.

"…and now we have to deal with a Judge that will hopefully be too stupid to see the "T.P." stamp on their case file and throw it out, or sentence them to some life imprisonment before I get a chance to defend them!" Juno threw her hands up in the air, visibly defeated.

Watching Juno stress, Betelgeuse's mind began to summon up how the system worked. After a human died, and moved on into the Neitherworld, they became either a Contained Roaming Soul or a Free Floating Apparition. These ghost most of the time looked normal enough, unless they'd died tragically, and would appear the way they died. Then there were the actual Classes: Class 1 – Ardent Shade, Class 2 – Poltergeist, Class 3 –Pragmatic Specter, Class 4 – Rancorous Zeitgeist, Class 5 – Onerous Phantom, and last but not least…

"Hey, Juni, remember when they had to create a whole new level for _yours truly_." Betel snickered. "I'm still the only Class 6 Malevolent Spirit in the entire Neitherworld."

Juno walked over to him and slapped the back of Betelgeuse's head.

"Wrong, Geuse." Juno crossed her arms and glared at him. "You _were_ … now you're classified as a _Limbo Demon_."

Betelgeuse's face went sour, and thanks to the magic sealing tape, he wasn't able to transform. Somewhere in the back of his mind he enjoyed it, even if the limited amount of movement was annoying. With the tape gone from his mouth he could use some of his Juice, which in turn, would allow for his new found _friend_ to use it as well…

"Oh, right. Fergot." He blew a raspberry at her. "Won't matter fer long though…" His voice went stiff.

Juno let her hands drop to her sides, closing her eyes, and turned away from him. For a millisecond Betelgeuse felt a twinge of remorse for his mentor, but she really should have seen it coming. Ghosts were technically allowed to "live" forever, provided they filled out the appropriate forms. However, that didn't mean the Powers That Be were willing to let you un-live for all eternity; and Juno was already in her thousands.

"Mental is deliberately testing my patience, Geuse." She grit out. "There's no way I can win this case, and Mental knows it. He's trying to wear me down for my trial."

"That might be true… but ya got this Junes. Yer the only Case Worker in the whole Neitherworld that put that ol'hangin' Judge in his place! Hell, I'd bet ya my beetle collection!" Betelgeuse gave her a wide cocky grin, the one he was famous for, and a surge of hope slithered into Juno's soul. When used for good, her ex-Case Guide could truly inspire. Feeling her confidence return Juno stood from the bench she'd sat on next to Betelgeuse.

"Mi-Miss Juno – its t-time…" Stuttered Reed's head, which currently sat atop the stack of files in his hands, and not on his shoulders. Juno went to walk towards the court room doors.

"Hey, Junes! I still got a bone to pick with Babs… so… ya know, make sure their asses aren't sent to the Hereafter with yours." Betel refused to look at ex-mentor as he said this.

About to leave Juno stopped and pulled out a piece of paper from one of her suit pockets. Briskly walking over to him she stuck the piece of paper underneath the tape on his neck. "Sure thing, Beetlebrains." She kissed his cheek. "Try to straighten out your own afterlife, kid." Juno fixed her suit and squared her shoulders. "Alright Reed, let's get this over with..."

Betel sat silently and watched Juno enter the court room. His body wouldn't relax. He knew, just now, the brief interaction with the old Case Worker was the last conversation he'd have. Betelgeuse wouldn't cry – no not his style – but he whispered under his breath:

" _Powers That Be_ … lend that crazy ol'smoke harpy some _Juice_ …"

…

_Eight Forty Nine a.m._

…

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Lydia screamed till her lungs burned; eyes shut tight. She knew something had happened, could hear the noises of walls shifting, smell the decay, and feel the cool wind. Opening her eyes Lydia was greeted with a questioning sight.

She wasn't in Connecticut any more.

"Is this my – _my room_?" Perplexed, Lydia turned in a slow circle in order to take everything in. It _was_ her room – the room of her _dreams_! Her old bedroom had transformed into a stone tower complete with rotting beams, live bats, and spindly furniture. Spying the table in the center Lydia noticed that the green table cloth had turned a vibrant shade of red.

"Deadly-voo…" She said, walking over and touching the silky material. Shivering from the sudden bite in the air she lifted the lamp and pulled the table cloth out from under it. Lydia shook the fabric out. ' _Beautiful._ ' She thought. ' _Too beautiful to just leave as a table cloth…_ ' Hesitantly, Lydia tossed the red spider-web designed table cloth over her head. It quickly settled over her slight form, becoming an impromptu poncho.

"I could live here…" Her voice echoed off the walls.

Eying the stair case she quickly ran up to the triangle shaped door and with a little force, opened it. The smell of rotting leaves, cool crisp October wind, and death assaulted her nose. Lydia loved it. Taking in the view, she noticed the highway that was just beneath her door. Clinging to the door handle Lydia carefully stepped down onto the crumbling pavement.

When she didn't fall through or get sucked immediately into some void ( _one couldn't be too cautious in the Neitherworld_ ) Lydia let go and closed the door. Much to her relief it didn't immediately disappear. With wide eyes she tried to take the world in all at once. Strange, abnormal, bizarre – none of these words did the world justice. Then looking off to her left she saw a large neon sign.

"BJ's Roadhouse?" Lydia read aloud. "That has to be where Beetleju- ugh, **BJ** liv-, ha-ha, _un_ -lives."

Practically skipping over to the oddly shaped house Lydia only stopped at the mail box to confirm the house belonged to her new… _best friend_. The mail box read: B. Juice. This confused Lydia, and once again brought forth worries that her so called "friend" didn't sign his name properly, but her thoughts for the moment were scattered. She stood and marveled at the mail box; a set of teeth and tongue stuck out from it.

"What an odd mail box!" Lydia went to stick her hand inside it.

"Oi! I vould not do that if I vere you, _Mademoiselle_!"

"AHhhhh!" Startled again, Lydia pulled her hand back just as the mail box became animated. The purple metal box snapped its jaws shut, almost nipping the tips of Lydia's fingers. Holding her hand to her chest Lydia turned to thank her rescuer and screamed once more.

" _Merci, Mademoiselle_! _Mon_ , I am glad to 'ave frightened you, but I am a skeléton! Surely you 'ave seen many like _moi_?"

Lydia backed away from the, what she guessed, French skeleton. He was tall, nearing seven feet, had yellowing bones, and beady yellow eyes. A red beret sat atop his skull, and she watched as he smiled and his thin black mustache curled upwards on its own. He wore red & white sneakers, a pair of red jogging shorts, and a small blue shirt that didn't cover all of his ribs.

"I-I'm kind of new here…" She squeaked out. "…um, I'm looking for my friend? You wouldn't happen to know him?" The skeleton stopped running and put a boney finger to his skull.

"Who 'vould you be looking for Miss- OH! _Pardon_! 'Ow rude of _moi_! I am Jacques LaLean and you are?"

"Oh, um, Lydia, Lydia Deetz."

"Ah, Miss Lydia." He bowed to her in a polite way. "Who es your friend, the one you are looking for?"

Lydia paled a little. How could she tell him who she was looking for when she couldn't, or rather wouldn't, say his name? Looking back to the mail box Lydia pointed to the name written there. Turning back to Jacques the Goth girl noticed how his now yellow face turned bleach white.

"Y-Your **friend** es Be-Beatlejoose?"

Lydia nodded.

"Oh, _mon_ Miss Lydia. Um…" The skeleton looked quite uncomfortable. "Beatlejoose is at ze court, today _mon ami_."

Lydia's face brightened at the news then fell when she realized she had no idea where the Neitherland Court House was, let alone how to get there. Shoulders sinking as she gave a defeated sigh Lydia kicked at a strange purple pebble on the ground. Jacques' own bones sank as he watched the young girl slip into a depressed mood.

" _N'ayez pas peur_ , Miss Lydia! Thee French 'ave a saying: " _Mieux vaut_ é _tre seul que mal accompagn_ é _."_ which means:"Better to be alone than in bad company"."

"Thanks, Jacques." Lydia tried to smile at him. "But I'd rather have an undead friend whose "bad company" than no friend at all."

Jacques stood a little straighter in front of Lydia.

Not one soul in the Neitherworld ever … _defended_ Betelgeuse. Not even him. The fitness focused skeleton was one of few that could lay claim to being anything close to resembling a friend to the pungent poltergeist. Feeling guilt forming in his non-existent gut, the Frenchman decided to help the young girl out. After all, who was he to deny, even Betelgeuse, the help of a friend? A wide toothy smile split the skeleton's skull.

"Maybe I can 'elp you, _no_?"


	7. The Maitlands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Judge Hammer makes an appearance in "Beetlejuice #6: Trial By Ghost" a book by B.J. Specter. There are six in total. "#1 Beetlejuice for President", "#2 Lydia's Scream Date", "#3 Rock N' Roll Nightmare", "#4 Twisted Tours", and "#5 Camp Fright". If you can find them, read them, but don't go out of your way to buy them. They're expensive and directed at children, but I'm obsessive and use them as reference… so yeah.

…

_September 9, 1988. Nine a.m._

…

The Court House wasn't what Lydia had expected. Since her own mother was a lawyer Lydia had seen the insides of court houses before, and this one was lax to put it bluntly. Anyone could freely walk in or out of it, and there were barely any guards. She only got stopped once for and by something ridiculous: a strange tap-dancing spider wanted to compliment her outfit.

"Why 'ello there, doll." She said in a heavy Brooklyn accent. "Beautiful poncho! Ya know I make something like this on the side!" Her "hands" went to reach for the material.

"Um, PLEASE!" Lydia jumped back. "…b-be careful, my uh, mother made this for me."

"Oh, sorry, hun! I was just admiring the workmanship!" The friendly spider woman tap danced back a few steps. "I noticed that it's not _real_ spider-silk. I take it your mother isn't a spider?"

"Uh… no." Lydia gave the large spider a weird look. "She's a…" Lydia paused, thinking of her real mother. "She's a lawyer."

"Ah, well. That would explain why you're at the Court House! You take care, hun!" She began to tap dance away but quickly turned around. "Oh, and if you ever decide you want a real spider silk poncho, just give me a ring! The name's Ginger!"

"I-I'm Lydia, and uh, sure thing…" Lydia smiled and nodded.

"Ok, bye Lydia!" The spider waved goodbye.

"Yeah..." Lydia waved back. ' _I just talked to a giant talking tap dancing spider and a jogging French skeleton!_ ' Her mind screamed. Lydia was having the time of her life.

Wasting no more time entering the court-house she finally reached the waiting room. Lydia stopped confused; it was practically empty. Only one bench was occupied, and the man appeared to be… _tied up_. Tied in what looked like shiny red ribbon. On closer inspection of his face, Lydia realized who sat there.

"BJ?"

Betelgeuse turned his head just enough to see a strange little ghoul come running at him. The girl stopped several feet short of his taped up body, and before he could properly put a name to her, she bent over laughing.

"Y-You look like a **present**! Ha-ha-ha!" She gasped for air and stood up. "What happened?"

"Lyds?" He had to do a double take. "That you, Babes?" For a moment he'd thought he was looking at some kid, but it turned out to be the very same breather he'd tried to marry and currently best friends with. Lydia looked completely different with the combination of make-up and ( _what he figured_ ) Neitherworldian clothing on her. The weird spider web poncho did well to cover the girl's form making her look even more like the age she was supposed to be.

"Yep, the rhyme on the back if our contract works!" Quickly she sat down on the bench next to him. "You should see what your Juice did to my room!" She squealed in a high-pitched girly voice.

"E-gads Babes, slow your roll."  He eyed the girl as she finally started to quieted down. "Ya said the poem? With my name?"

"Yes."

"Ya said my name _three_ times?"

"Un-huh!" She chirped.

"Hmph, figures." He looked down at the tape, annoyed. "Ya call me OUT and I can't 'cause I'm all tied up. Oh, the irony…" His head lolled back.

"Sucks for you, _B-man_." Lydia gave him a charming smile, and then looked around the waiting rom. "Where are Adam and Barbara?"

"Just finishin' up their trial." He paused, thinking. "How'd ya get here anyway, Lyds?"

Lydia stopped staring at the door that read: Trial – In Progress. "Oh, I was hoping to see them before they went in…" Lydia sagged on the bench but perked up as she recalled the trip over. "A **skeleton** named Jacques LaLean called a taxi for me, and you know what? I've lived in New York, and took those taxies before, but a Neitherworldian taxi beats that _any_ day of the week!" Turning to look back at the wrapped up ghost she added: "Why are you covered in tape?"

"So ya met the skeletal version of an Oxi-Moron, huh?" Betel laughed but settled down quickly when Lydia didn't join in. "The tape seals up my Juice, I think it's some bureaucrat created political joke." He gave her a deflated look. "They think this stuff will keep me grounded till my trial."

"Can't you escape?"

"I could if I had a little help…" He gave her a suggestive look and thrust his hips.

" _Eww_ , yeah right. If Ad-" Lydia paused. "Ada-Ad-… **Ah**!"

Something wasn't right.

Confusion flooded her mind. A picture of a man in a black & white plaid shirt slowly faded away. Searching her memory she tried to remember his name. A woman in a white flowery dress also appeared in her mind's eye only to slowly disintegrate as well. She knew both of those people but their names escaped her!

"Beetlejuice!" Lydia grabbed a fist full of tape. "I can't remember Ba-Bara, ugh! Or Add- Ad… I can't…those people, who were they?" Lydia sat back down on the bench and stared at the worn floor with her hands pulling on her hair. She began to cry.

" **Whoa**! Whoa, now Babes! Lyds don't worry." He actually tried to comfort her; something hard to do while tied up.

Betelgeuse swore under his breath.

Without hearing what happened he knew how the Maitlands trial turned out. Granted, he wasn't sure of the details, but Betel had a pretty good idea of their sentencing. They weren't sent to the Hereafter…

…they were sent to Further-Farther Land.

…

_Eight Thirty a.m._

…

"Do you think Lydia will be alright?" Asked Barbara. "We didn't even say goodbye this morning…"

"I think she'll be fine." Replied Adam. "Don't worry, will get through this and be back before her eighteenth birthday." He tried to joke.

"That's not funny, Adam. Besides, every time you say "It will be fine" or "Everything will be alright" the opposite happens!"

"Barbara, I'll be honest, I'm unsure about all this..." He waved his hands in the air. "…bureaucratic nonsense, but from what I hear we have the best Case Worker in all the Neitherworld."

"I know it's just… life gave us a crap hand to begin with – with us unable to have a family – and now that we _do_ have one with The Deetz's it seems like our afterlife is turning out to be just as bad."

Barbara tried to hold back her tears as Adam engulfed her in a hug. Looking around the room they both felt extremely out of place; both appearing much too normal compared to some of the tragic death ghouls and monsters. Barbara let go of her husband and spotted Juno walking in with a man who carried his head. Perplexed by the woman's lateness Barbara bit her lip till Juno made it to their table.

"Juno, where were you?" Said Barbara in a worried voice.

"I had another ...case to take care of. Don't worry, I'll get you both through this and back in your house before another three months go by."

"How reassuring…" Adam said under his breath.

"This is Mr. Reed; he's the one that filled out your L-70 forms. They were the forms you forgot to fill out when you agreed to let the Deetz's acknowledge your presence in the house and live with you."

"He-Hello, there…" Reed set the stack of paper work down on the desk. "Um, Mi-Miss Juno… I uh, I've got-"

"Yes Reed, please go."

"Thank you…" Reed bolted out the court room.

"What's wrong with him…?" Asked Adam.

"He's… afraid of our Judge." Juno decided to stare at the far wall; suddenly uncomfortable.

"Judge Mental?" Pried Barbara.

"No, Judge **Hammer.** " Juno turned to the Maitlands. "They changed our judge last second."

"Is that a bad thing? How will this affect us? What's this Judge Hammer like?" Adam pelted Juno with questions. "I hope he's nothing like his _name_."

Barbara was eerily silent.

"I've dealt with Hammer before – like I said don't worry. I have an idea on how to win your case…" Juno tried to calm them and willed her confidence to surface.

Barbara stood still and watched as a man with a large belly, dressed as an executioner, walked out onto the court room floor. Deep in the pit of her soul she had a bad feeling about the trial. She knew something was going wrong; it all seemed downhill from here.

"All rise from your graves. Now preceding: Judge Hammer!" Spoke the executioner though a muffled black bag over his head.

Everyone in the court stood as an overly large man dressed in ink black robes entered the room. Although Adam and Barbara couldn't see it, they could hear his stone feet crushing the floor boards beneath him. Judge Hammer was all stone, large, pale grey, and humanoid in appearance. His jaw was a large chiseled piece of grey granite and he wore a white curly wig, as common for judges, that didn't fit his hard demeanor. Sitting down at the podium the entire room shook from the movement. Lifting his left arm – which wasn't really an arm but more of a large mallet – the judge slammed his wooden appendage down on the podium obliterating half of its surface. The Judge's red eyes burned the spot that had been smashed to pieces.

"What happened to my desk, Chopper?" Judge Hammer addressed the executioner.

"Judge Mental was supposed to reside tis' morning, Judge Hammer." Replied Chopper O'Headly. "You were his short-notice replacement sir; we couldn't prepare your usual court room settings."

" **Great** , just _great_!" He said, sarcastically. "Well, what do we have this miserable morning?" Bellowed Hammer.

"Neitherworld vs. The Maitlands." Chopper read. "Prosecution of the Maitlands for calling forth a Class 6 Malevolent Spirit, deliberately contacting Humans, inter-dimensional Sandworm travel, a breach of Class regulations, and disregarding their L-70 permits."

"That's quite a list…" Judge Hammer looked thoughtful. "I've made my decision: Afterlife imprisonment! You'll be sent to the Last Resort Resort on the River Schticks!"

Juno blanched. Barbara and Adam looked confused at one another. After all, what could be so bad about getting a life sentence to a _resort_? Judge Hammer went to lift his gravel hand.

"Wait a moment, Judge Hammer!" Juno spoke up.

"What _NOW_?" Judge Hammer looked at the woman who dared interrupt him. "Oh wonderful, it's Juno."

Like a walking "plague of normal", Juno circled around the room and seemed to bring the court back from a three ringed circus to a stage of justice. Most of the reason why many Neitherworldian's, especially one's in law practice, disliked Juno was the fact she trailed Realworld realities with her. She basically turned the _abnormal_ , normal.

"I believe my clients have the right to a fair and just trial? Correct, Judge Hammer?"

"Of course, Case Worker Juno…" Hammer's stone teeth ground together. "Please, present your case."

"Very well." Juno cleared her throat. "Mr. & Mrs. Maitland died in a tragic car accident the early spring of 1988. They were both obsessed and attached to their home, and through a series of misfortunate events, most involving the lack of Neitherworldian assistance, I believe I can justify their present condition."

"Yes, it says here they've become…" Hammer's eyes blazed at the sheet of paper; lighting it on fire. "…Temporal Poltergeists." Slamming his rock hand on the remaining half of the podium, effectively smashing that side to bits, the Judge stood and pointed at Adam & Barbara. "Send them to Alcatraz!" Yelled the enraged judge.

Both Adam & Barbara held onto one another in fear. The two yuppie ghosts weren't used to the Neitherworld yet; having only gotten a glimpse of it a handful of times. Barbara looked pleadingly at Juno, willing her to fix the situation.

"Mr. Hammer!" Juno yelled back. "Please try to keep your … _cool._ " At the pun Judge Hammer sat down and began to cool off. "Yes, it is true. My clients have "Class jumped", but I reassure you they've had a serious reason."

"Hmph, _serious_ is an understatement, Miss Juno. They called forth the Neitherworldian equivalent of the apocalypse into their _Realworld_ house!"

"Only because they didn't receive the proper guidance." Quipped Juno.

"Are you stating that this whole mess was brought on because…" He snorted. "…they didn't have enough D-90 help vouchers? That's laughable!" Judge Hammer began to laugh.

"I'll have you know it is **NO** laughing matter, Mr. Hammer." She walked straight up to his dilapidated podium. "Lack of information made them request the help of… well, as you put it, a Class 6 Malevolent Spirit. From there it was a domino effect: The Maitlands figured out how to scare the Deetz out of their house but not before revealing their existence via… _Geuse_. Barbara Maitland performed an I-60, aka transportation of a Sandworm, in an effort to stop Geuse from getting a green card to the Realworld. As a side effect from all the spectral stress, both Mr.  & Mrs. Maitland felt the need to protect their new charge and obsession: a Lydia Joyce Deetz."

Juno paused after holding a photo of Lydia up to the jury. "As for the I-70's..." She paused for dramatic effect. "…I have them right here." She walked over to the table in front of the Maitlands and picked up a stack of forms. "Completed and ready to be filed."

Black smoke began to pour from Judge Hammer's fiery eyes. It seemed that Juno had crossed all her T's and dotted all of her I's. ' _…all accept one._ ' Hammer thought sinisterly and eyed the Maitlands with a whole new purpose. "Clearly, Miss Juno, you have covered everything concerning the Maitland's defense. How do you plead?"

Juno's corporal body went rigid. "The defense pleads: Sympathy for the Dead."

Everyone in the court room started whispering. Pleading Sympathy for the Dead, basically, was asking the judge to pardon the case; thus allowing Adam & Barbara to go back to their house with, hopefully, nothing but a slap on the wrist. But just as Juno was about to relax, for it seemed Judge Hammer was actually considering it as a verdict, his composure changed.

"Overruled." Hammer brought down his gravel hand on his knee. "Miss Juno, surely you haven't forgotten the basic laws involving Class breaches…"

The jury involuntary laughed at the word "breaches". Juno, however, didn't find it funny. Turning to her charges, which up till this point had been extremely quiet, she noticed that both Adam and Barbara were white as sheets. It would have been a comical sight had the situation not been so dire.

Hammer went on: "As declared by The Bureau of Sweetness and Prissiness, the minimum sentencing I can pass on Mr. Adam & Mrs. Barbara Maitland is…"

A look of horror passed over Juno's face. She had thought she'd won, since for all that Judge Hammer was a "judge", the stone man tended to hold court by following his own rules and not the rules set by the Powers That Be. Never in her afterlife would she have figured Judge Hammer to quote the Bureau.

"… _sixty two years_ imprisonment in the purgatory known as: Further-Farther Land." The entire court room gasped, Juno paled, and The Maitlands looked confused and horrified at all at once. "As detailed by the F.F.L., all Humans and Ghosts that have come into contact with the spirits know as Adam Maitland and Barbara Maitland shall forget their existence till their sentence is fulfilled."

Juno's mouth gaped at the stone judge. There was nothing she could do to counter his ruling, not even pleading Sympathy for the Dead. Hanging her head she turned to the Maitlands.

"Juno, what- what does he mean? No one will remember us?" Asked Barbara.

"What is this place… Further-Farther Land?" Adam gave her a blank look.

"I think you two should have a seat." Juno sounded dishearten. "I have to have a quick word with Judge Hammer, and everything will be explained." She sighed. Walking up to what remained of the podium, Juno glared at Hammer. "Since when do you follow The Bureau's rules?"

"Since snippy Case Workers stick their all-knowing noses in the way-I-run-my-court-room." Hissed Judge Hammer. "Case adjourned." Then in a quiet malicious voice he whispered only to Juno: "Good luck with your upcoming _retirement_ , Miss Juno."

Laughing, the stone judge got up and walked out of the room. Juno could have kicked herself. She shouldn't have tried to control the court room, but at the time it was the only way she could think of to get Hammer to listen and play fair ball. However, it back fired and caused him to act like a real judge and sentence the Maitlands to a purgatory created by the B.S. & P. specifically for Temporal Poltergeists.

' _May lighting strike me dead as second time if I don't have the worst luck in the universe..._ ' Juno thought to herself.

"Juno…" Adam took Barbara in his arms. "…wh-what's going to happen to us?"

The two ghosts looked at their Case Worker with fear in their souls. Juno in response searched her jacket pocket for a cigarette, summoned her magic, and lit the end of the ash stick. Taking a deep drag she tried to let the nicotine calm her. Juno peered at the clock above the exit; it read 8:56. She let the smoke seep out the slit in her throat.

"We don't have much time before the sentence goes into effect." Juno blew out the rest of the smoke. "Quick, I'll explain…"


	8. The Case Worker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let ya know, all of these "facts" are just made-up bull by myself to satisfy that urge of transitioning the movie into the show and to make it believable. Don't take anything I write as canon; it's all just speculation. Oh, and ever watch the episode "Pest of the West"? I always thought Juno was the old nag...
> 
> Try not to mind the "time jump" bit with Charles and Delia. It actually sets the scene for chapter 11, but I really wanted to included it here. Obviously, Lyd and Beej's trial works out and around one o'clock is when they will return to the Realworld.

…

"Ok, here's how it works, Lyds." The girl sat still with her arms folded in her lap, eyes focused, tears still drying, and bit her lip in response. "Yesh, enough with the water works, kay?"

"Mm-hmm." She sniffled.

"Ugh, let me see…" He paused and leaned as far back as the red tape would let him. "There's a bunch of systems to this world that ya got ta understand." He paused and took a deep breath. "First there's the Realworld, that's where you come from – where breathers live – the living world. Second there's the Neitherworld, where things are neither dead nor alive, a place where ghost's and monster's come to un-live their afterlives." Betelgeuse yawned; perhaps she wasn't interested in hearing all this?

"Please, go on." Lydia pleaded, and Betel huffed in annoyance.

"Ugh… alright. See those two are the main dimensions." Curse his luck for having the girl's full attention. "There are sub-worlds. For instance, in the Neitherworld you've got Neither-Neither Land."

"What's-"

"Hold on, let me explain one thin' at a time!" He hushed her. "Then ya got the Negaworld and the Posiworld." Betelgeuse wiggled around on the bench trying to get comfortable. "Their located just outside of the Realworld and the Neitherworld dimensions." Turning his neck he let it crack. "Ugh, that's better…um, where was I? Oh right, the Negaworld and Posiworld are kinda like Heaven and Hell for the un-dead."

"Um, BJ, what does these dimensions have to do with… with…" Lydia shook her head. "…I can't remember."

"Yeah, that's the point Babes." Betelgeuse gave her a meaningful look.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't tell ya their names, Lyds. Sorry, kid, it's the rules." Betel closed his eyes. "I _can_ tell ya that they got sent to a place called Further-Farther Land. It's a dimension that resides in the Realworld's perimeters."

"Further-Farther Land? It sounds like an amusement park ride."

"Trust me, Babes, it's not." Betelgeuse let out a sigh. "The F.F.L. is a place to reform ghosts who've become Temporal Poltergeists – ghost's that have become too powerful, too quickly – and need time so their spirits catch up with their new abilities."

"I think I get it, but why can't I remember who- who…" Lydia shut her eyes and willed the names to come to her. "…whoever it is I knew."

"That's the catch, if you're sent to F.F.L. no one can remember you, this way no one will interfere with your progress. No way in and no way out …without a court order." His voice changed, becoming nasally. "Described as: a Summer Camp for "gifted" ghosts. A peaceful place to learn how to control spectral powers in a normal non-threatening environment."

"Have you been there?" Asked Lydia.

"What, me? Naw, though they did threatened it once or twice. I got my Juice all on my own…" Betel bit his bottom lip. ' _Well, with the exception of the last five years…_ ' He thought guilty.

…

_Nine Thirty a.m._

…

Juno sat on the bench the Maitland had previously occupied.

Being there Case Worker allowed her to remember who they were and tell whoever needed the information. But the Deetz's and anyone else in the Realworld would forget them, if their names came up in old papers or if someone passed their graves, they'd be quickly forgotten. Any ghost that had come into the contact with the Maitlands would be able to remember them, but unable to either speak of them or even if they'd managed the words the other party would quickly forget the names.

Juno had tried to help the Maitlands, but the preceding held, and even Juno couldn't fight a direct command from the Bureau. She was hoping Hammer would have been to dimwitted to actually remember the law, and he at first had. Instead, she pissed him off and let the Powers That Be send the Maitlands to that sickly normal-land for sixty-two years. Juno laughed, they'd come out of there right & proper Class 4 Rancorous Zeitgeists, but Lydia would be an old woman by then. The Maitlands would lose so much of what was important to them. Juno's head hit the back of the chair, eyes closed, as she listened to the court room prepare for her case.

She should go out and discuss what happened with Geuse, but she didn't have it in her to argue anymore with the man. Betelgeuse was never going to grow up and she'd just have to deal with that fact. ' _He should find himself a woman who could tame him and just settle down…_ ' Her mind thought. Yet, she still worried for him, as if he were an adopted son. Juno snorted at the idea and opened her eyes.

The court room had filled itself with people and the familiar executioner stood at his post. Sitting up she tried to shake off the weariness. Juno's eyes found the clock.

" _Shit_ , 9:30 already!" She went to stand.

"All rise from your graves! Now preceding: Judge Mental!" Yelled Chopper.

Juno paused on her way out; it was too late to go check up on Betelgeuse. Going back to her seat she stood and waited for her old _friend_ to make an appearance. Ever the one for irony, Judge Mental "The Hanging Judge", proceeded to crank himself down out of a hole in the ceiling above the court room. He stopped just a foot above the new podium.

"Yes, yes, court is in order! Now, PLEASE **sit down**." Judge Mental said in a hurry and the bony skeleton scanned the room with his hollowed eye sockets.

"Mental." Juno decided to break the ice.

"Juno." The two ghosts stared at each other, neither quite ready to begin.

"Neitherworld vs. Case Worker Juno." Bellowed Chopper. "The Bureau of Sweetness and Prissiness call forth Juno of Rome, for Retirement and the transitioning to the Hereafter."

"Yes, yes, Chopper. I'd been informed that this was a civil case before the trial."

"S-Sorry sir, job duties…" Replied Chopper. The jury laughed at the word "duties".

"Where to begin…" Judge mental shuffled the paperwork around on his podium. "Miss Juno of Rome, was it? Why they haven't used cities as last names for roughly four hundred years!"

"Yes I know, Mr. Mental. Thank you, by the way, for adding to the list of jokes that I'm "as old as time"." Deadpanned Juno.

"Oh, sorry, Madam Juno but we all can't be…" He read off a yellowed paper and did his best to whistle without lips. "…pushing one thousand and sixteen. My, my, you've un-lived quite a long time."

"Yes. And when you, your Honor, worked as a sentinel, they called you "Senti-Mental"." Juno gave the skeleton a bored look. "Can we please get on with this hearing?"

Grumpily, Mental shifted the papers once more. "As you wish, Miss Juno." He coughed to clear his no-existent throat. "The Bureau of Sweetness and Prissiness have assigned me to oversee your Retirement from all Civil Service duties and to insure your safe transcendence onto the Hereafter." He continued: "As directed by the Powers That Be, any ghost who's served over one thousand years shall be sent directly to the Hereafter-"

"Unless…" Juno interrupted. "…I decide to use my remaining vouchers."

Mental didn't miss a beat. "It says here that you've used both of your Re-Birth, RB-57 vouchers and substituted your Re-Death, RD-38 voucher in exchange for the afterlife of one… Mr. B. Juice." Judge Mental sneered at the paper. "What a waste of a perfectly good voucher."

"Hmm, you forgot my K-9 vouchers."

Judge Mental's jaw came unhinged. "Wouldn't you rather take your chances with the Hereafter than go through…" He searched her paper work. "...Animal Reincarnation?"

"I've un-lived for ten centuries, that's ten vouchers which equals ten years of reincarnation." Juno supplied for him.

This time Mental's jaw fell off completely; he spoke once he had it secured back on.

"Are you that afraid of Moving On or do you just like to burden yourself with more agony?" Judge Mental puzzled more to himself than to the room. "But it is a valid ruling and I'm assuming you have all the proper paperwork filled out and filed?"

"Yes, I do."

He sighed. "You do realize that you'll still be recognized as a Civil Servant in the eyes of the B. S. & P. and will only be allowed to choose labor intensive animals?"

"Yes."

Judge Mental placed a hand over top his fore-skull an tried to imagine what had possessed the woman to choose this path. In the back of his mind he'd figured she was trying in some vain attempt to protect that ignoramus of a Case Guide she'd once trained. Sighing once more he could only go ahead with the final verdict. "Have you chosen a desired animal, Miss Juno?" He asked softly.

"Yes…" Juno gave him a sly grin. "A horse, I'll be an _old nag_ for the next ten years…" Then she out right laughed at her joke. Juno never laughed, at least, not in public.

Judge Mental felt shaken by her eerie chuckles. The court room became silent. "Then by The Powers That Be, I Judge Mental, declare Miss Juno of Rome, Case Worker of sector 60952074-B a sentence of ten years, via the usage of her acquired K-9 vouchers – Animal Reincarnation, in the form of a work horse." Judge Mental brought his gravel down. "Case closed."

Juno closed her eyes and waited for the verdict to take effect. ' _I'll keep an eye on you Beetlebrains, and it will be the_ ** _last_** _thing I do…_ ' She thought before the world went black.

…

_One thirty p.m._

…

"Charles?"

"Yes, Delia?"

"Do you remember when I made this sculpture?" She held up a grey sculpture that appeared to be a man's face crossed with a snake.

It looked horrifying.

"I'm sure I would remember it, dear." Charles Deetz backed away from the eerie sculpture. "You must have had a nightmare and… sleep-sculpted again."

"Hmm, I suppose your right…" She set the sculpture down in front of Charles. "…for some reason it just inspires me! You know, ever since we've moved out here, to the _sticks_ , I've had the strangest urge to become more motherly towards Lydia."

Charles nodded his head, not paying her any attention.

"As a matter of fact, I think starting from now she should start calling me Mom." Delia "Mm-humphed" and briskly walked out of the room to find her step-daughter.

This of course, left Charles alone with the creepy statue. "Just try to relax, just try to relax…" It was his mantra. "…just try to **_relax_**." Charles had thought that moving to Connecticut, in order to re-connect with his roots and settle his nerves, would be perfect for his "new" family. It gave Delia time for her art work in an undisturbed environment and more time to get to know his daughter. Lydia would benefit as well with the extra "step-mother-bonding-time" and New England's fresh country air. Perhaps it'd even get her out of those depressing colors she seemed to like to wear.

But something about the house seemed off…

Jane Butterfield had tried to stop the rumors that ran through the little town of Winter River – or he should say: Peaceful Pines as it was recently changed to. Bad publicity, he supposed, with the death of the young couple in the actual river the town was named after. For the life of him, he couldn't remember what the couple's names had been, but because they had lived in the house prior to the Deetz's moving in; the rumor around town was that their house was haunted.

A chill ran down Charles's spine and an ache in his shoulder sprang up. Over the summer, after the house was renovated, there had been a few… mishaps. Most which lead their friends Maxie Dean, Otho, and several of Delia's art agents refusing to return their calls. There were also a lot of blanks in his memory. For the life of him, Charles couldn't remember how he'd fallen down the steps from his study, and hurt his shoulder; one of many unexplained incidents that he couldn't recall.

"Perhaps I need another vacation…"

"You & me both, Chuck." The statue came to life and spoke.

Charles practically jumped out of his skin and pushed backwards sending him flying over the chair. In a flurry of movement he grabbed one of the thick bird watching books off his desk and stood up with it over his head.

The statue was motionless.

"I-I'm su-ure it mov- it talked…" Charles stared at the statue.

"CHARLES!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Charles jumped, throwing the book up into the air. "OUCH!" The book landed on his head.

"What are you doing?" Delia eyed the book on his head. "You weren't thinking of _SMASHING_ one of my sculptures, were you?" She accused.

"N-No, of course not!" He put his hands up in defense. "I'd **never** dream of it."

"Good." She huffed. "I found Lydia…" A smile formed on her face. "You'll never _believe_ what she's been doing in her room!"

"Not summoning the dead again, I hope." Charles deadpanned, but in the background he could have sworn to have heard a chuckle. "What was she doing?"

Delia's eyes lit up. "Putting on _make-up_! I'm even sure she tried on the salmon pink lipstick I gave her!" Delia squealed excitedly. "You see, Charles, she _accepts_ me!"

Letting out one last girlish giggle Delia practically skipped out of the room. Charles rolled his eyes. ' _Whatever makes the woman happy._ ' He thought, and then turned to look back at the statue. Another chill ran up his spine. He decided to follow his wife out of the room.

"Maybe… this house really is ha-haunted." Charles left the room quickly and closed the door.

"It is now, _Bub_." Replied the statue.


	9. The Trial

…

_Ten Fifty Eight a.m._

…

"Why's there a _horse_ leaving the court room?"

"Who know, Babes? It's the Neitherworld, weird stuff like that happens all the time." Betel replied, trying to stretch in the domed cage. ' _June-bug must have used her K-9 vouchers…_ ' He thought pleased. ' _I knew she'd find a way to prolong her stay in the Neitherworld._ ' A crooked smile split his face; he was in a good mood. Betelgeuse was now tape free. The fact that he had free movement should have had him jumping for joy, but jumping involved space, and at the moment, he lacked budging-space let alone jumping-for-joy space.

The Red Tape had disappeared off of him when he ( _who'd been dragged and not allowed to walk_ ) and Lydia entered the court room. Only the tape hadn't vanished for long. He was just about to break the bonds of the Best Friend contract using his "super-Juice", when the tape transformed into a red barrel shaped cage. His Juice was once again re-sealed.

"Hmph, the fun's 'bout to begin." His happy mood vanished.

"It's almost 11 o'clock." Lydia read the time. The Goth girl sat next to him on a chair behind a table piled high with paperwork. It flooded the court room in various directions.

Betelgeuse smiled. ' _Not all of that paperwork is mine._ ' He thought, eying Lydia. "Let's see." Betelgeuse peered at all four of his watches. "Yep, and in all time zones, too."

"I hope I won't be late for lunch." Lydia rubbed her stomach underneath the poncho. "We won't be here for days, will we?"

"Nah, Babes." Betel leaned on the cage letting his arms slip through the large square holes. "Thanks ta your little contract, and us syncin' up – time decided to do the same."

"Huh?"

At her confused gaze Betelgeuse held out his arm after rolling up his striped sleeve and presented his four watches. All read: 11:02. One watch looked brand new, another was busted and worn, the third didn't look too unharmed but was full of sand, and the last watch had a digital display of a calendar.

"Usually, the watch for the Realworld is "dead" when I'm in the Neitherworld and vice-versa for the Neitherworld watch when I'm in the Realworld." He explained. "See that watch full of sand? It never stops, 'cause Sandworm Land or "Saturn" is an inter-dimensional world; Ghosts & Human's can go to Saturn…" He chuckled. "…but I ain't yet met anyone willin'."

"What's Saturn have to do with your watch? Isn't it a planet?" Lydia questioned.

"Sheesh, didn't Ba- _Baaa_ , ugh-" ' _Dang, ain't allowed to say Bab's name._ ' He thought. "Listen; don't ya know where Sandworms come from?"

"Is that a joke on the birds and the-"

" **NO**! No, it's not!" Betelgeuse retracted his hand and fixed the sleeve looking nervous. "Oi-vey. Sandworms _come_ from Saturn! And Saturn is accessible to Human's via _space_ and to Ghost's via the Neitherworld. See, the Neitherworld has a direct link to Saturn underneath the surface of this here' crust." Betel stomped his foot on the linoleum covered floor.

"Wow, really? So right now, if I wanted to, I could just jump down onto the surface of Saturn?" Lydia's eyes widened in excitement.

"Lyds, are you in there?" He knocked his fist gently on her head. "Didn't I just explain that _Saturn_ is where _Sandworms_ come from? So if you go down there you'll get your chance to meet one of 'em like **_I_** did." Betel gave her a "dead" look.

"Oh…" Lydia blushed and turned her eyes to the court room floor. "I'm, ah, I'm sorry about that, um, incident by the way."

"Hmm… whatever, Babes." He shrugged. "You weren't the one ridin' it."

Movement in the court room caught their attention as a chubby executioner walked out onto the side of the court room floor. Lydia and Betelgeuse gave each other a nervous look. Who knew how this would turn out?

"All rise from your graves. Now preceding: Judge Mental!" Spoke Chopper.

Lydia stood up and Betelgeuse slouched on the bars of his cage. Just like with Juno's trial, Judge Mental came down from the ceiling, hanging from his noose. _Knock, Knock, Knock_ … Mental slammed his gravel down on the pedestal. All eyes were on the skeletal judge.

Lydia smiled and nudged Betel's arm. "Let me guess: he's a _hanging_ judge?" She giggled.

"Got that right, Lyds." Betel gave a small snort and turned his attention back to the court room.

"The Neitherworld vs. Betelgeuse." Bellowed Chopper. "Prosecution of …Mr. B. Juice for…" Chopper began unrolling the giant list.

"Just give me the _extremely_ bad ones, Mr. O'Headly." Spoke Judge Mental. "Its wishful thinking but I'd like to make this hearing a **short** one." He said with a sinister undertone.

"Um, yes sir..." Chopper cleared his throat and read the top of the list. "Un-lawful usage of a Neitherworld permit, transition from a Class 6 Malevolent Spirit to a Limbo Demon, unauthorized access to a Realworld Ghost's perimeter, willing displaying a Cursed name, use of magic for non-scare tactics in the presence of Humans, use of magic to harm Humans, intent of marriage with an underage Human, expired Prank Lice-ense, and failing to file for a change of address."

"Hey, I was in the Waiting Room when they decided to change the name of our stupid suburb!" Shouted Betelgeuse. " _Worm Wood_ , piff… I liked it better **before** , when they were callin' it Waste Springs!"

"BJ, be quiet!" Whispered Lydia. "I can't believe that's the only charge you got worked up about, and what did he mean when he said _Limbo Demon_?"

"Eh, _heh-heh_ , nothing to worry about Ba-"

_Knock, Knock, Knock…_

"Order in the court!" Judge Mental appeared to glare at Betel. "Mr. Juice, who is your young friend there?" Mental laughed. "Surely that isn't your lawyer?"

"Depends…" Said Betelgeuse.

" _Depends_ on what?" Asked Mental.

"I don't know? I don't wear adult diapers." Betel joked and everyone in the room laughed.

"ORDER!" Judge Mental was furious. "I SAID **ORDER**!"

_Knock, Knock, Knock…_

"Who's there?" Betelgeuse asked Lydia.

"Beetleju-?"

"Beetle, who?" He cut her off.

Lydia thought for a moment. " _Beetle_ ask somebody else…?" She tried to go along with his joke.

Betelgeuse's reply was a howl of laughter as he stomped his foot and ignored the Judge that was trying to stare him to life. The entire court room was buzzing with talk and laughter. Lydia seemed to be having a grand old time. Mental had to figure out a way to bring everything back into his version of reality.

"Mr. JUICE." Judge Mental yelled. "If you do not have a lawyer, and I'm certain no one is willing to offer you one, I shall go ahead with your sentencing:"

Everyone shut up.

"I find yo-" Judge Mental began.

"WAIT!" Lydia jumped out of her chair; cutting Mental off. "I'll represent him!"

You could've heard a pin drop.

"Ex-Excuse me, Miss…?" Mental asked the girl.

"Deetz. My name is Lydia Joyce Deetz and I'll be representing, um, Mr. Juice." Lydia went and stood next to a surprised Betelgeuse. "I ask for a 10 minute recess."

Judge Mental grumbled an incoherent curse and replied: "Very well, Miss Deetz. You have 10 minutes to get your _act_ together. I shouldn't even give you that…"

Lydia turned to Betelgeuse just as a slide opened up underneath them. The cage transformed itself back into the Red Tape from earlier and the two slid to a "recess room". Inside the room were a desk, two chairs, a swing set, monkey bars, and sand box.

"When they say _recess_ …" Laughed Lydia as she helped Betelgeuse into a chair. "…they _literally_ mean recess."

"One of the quirks of the Neitherworld, Babes." He leaned back in the chair, once more constricted by the tape. "A joke on life in the afterlife…"

"Juno said that once, she must have referred to you." Lydia smiled at him.

Betelgeuse shifted uncomfortably, but didn't say anything.

"So…" Lydia began. "…I have to defend you."

"Yeah, so what? Do ya need a _shield_?" He was sealed  & taped, so the transformation didn't come to life. " ** _Darn_** this RED TAPE!"

"BJ, try to be serious! I don't think the Judge likes you-"

He glared at her. "Babes, **nobody** likes me." Betelgeuse said exasperated. "An 'cause of our **cute** little _contract_ , I can't even properly **_curse_** 'bout it!"

Lydia fidgeted. "We-Well, I still have to find a way to keep you from getting exorcised."

Betelgeuse sagged further into the seat. " _Ya right_ , Babes, ya do that." He said it with no confidence.

"I'll st-start by going over what I know…" Lydia was determined to push past his bout of depression. She dove into the mountain of paperwork that had followed them down the slide. After a good five minutes she'd located half of the information she'd set out for.

"Babes."

"Yeah?" Lydia looked up from a C-50 change of address form.

"Plead: Sympathy for the Dead …if Mental buys it he'll throw the case out."

"And if he doesn't?" Lydia believed Mental wouldn't do such a thing.

"Heh, let's just say you won't have to worry 'bout me tryin' ta break outta that friendship contract."

Lydia gave him a wilted and hurt look. "How could you break out from of our contract?"

" _Juice_ , Lyds. Anythin's possible with _Juice_."

"Hmm, ok…" She shrugged him off. "…sure, but to get you out of harm's way we need an idea that's fool-proof." Lydia tried to think. Her left shoulder itched from the contract and cold sensation of the ring in her dress pocket gave her an idea. "It has to be **_iron-clad_**."

Lydia gave Betelgeuse a wicked smile.

"Watcha thinkin', Lyds?" A smile of his own started too twitched at his mouth.

"I have a plan, but first let's see if we can't get some of your minor offenses cleared."

…

"Miss Deetz, I trust everything is in order."

"Yes, you're Honor."

Lydia walked into the middle of the court room. Betelgeuse currently clung to the red bars of the cage that the tape had assumed once more. At the moment he was having trouble figuring the young breather out. The girl was helping him. _Helping **him**_ even after all the hell he'd put her through, and sure, there be something in it for her but– **_why_**?

His green eye's followed her as she handed the forms she'd filled out earlier to the executioner. A small, alien feeling slowly seeped into his soul, and Betelgeuse felt incredibly humbled by the kids' acts of kindness towards him. _No one_ was nice to him, granted, he'd never given anyone reason to be, but Lydia was a totally different case. The kid didn't seem to think only of herself.

Then Lydia turned to him, smiling with a boost of confidence she'd suddenly developed around him, and like an idiot he felt his corporal body smile back.

Lydia had a lot to lose by doing this for him – regardless if she knew it or not – and oddly, Betelgeuse couldn't bring himself to use the girl. He could only think of one other person who'd put their soul out for him, and Junes had really only sacrificed a voucher she couldn't use. ' _I mean really? What would a woman who died at the age of seventy-eight do with a RD-38 voucher?_ ' He thought.

RB-57 and RD-38 vouchers were used when ghosts wanted to re-experience "life" in their Afterlife. Re-Birth allowed you to re-start your existence. You were "born" as an infant to your original family ( _if they were in the Neitherworld_ ), or a new adopted family, and "lived" out your life till your Death Age. Re-Death worked just the opposite, and allowed you to age _after_ your Death Age, and the effects stopped when you hit one-hundred. Most ghosts were given two of each, with the exception of extreme cases like Juno who'd died in old age or children who'd died young, they would get three/two of one and one of the other.

"I see you've filled out the form for a new Prank Lice-ense and finally changed your address." Judge Mental flipped through the paperwork. "Hmph, time to get down to business…"

Lydia braced herself for the real challenge. Standing by her new client, and thinking it odd that she'd suddenly felt like she had something in common with her mother, Lydia waited for Judge Mental to continue. Looking over at Betelgeuse she tried to give him a re-assuring smile and was surprised when he smiled back.

"Mr. Juice you filed for a Haunting Permit in the year of 1974, correct?"

"Yeah." Betelgeuse hunched on the red bars and turned to face the judge.

"And over the course of fourteen years you've miss used this license to try to get Out?"

"… _Yes."_ Betel grit.

"You recently used this license in a scheme to con the- um, it seems the previous ghost's of…" If Judge Mental had eyes they would have bulged. "Th-That can't be right?" Mental re-read the paper on his desk. "The Deetz residence?"

"Yes?" Lydia stiffened.

"It says here that, you- **you** and your family are the occupants of the house Mr. Juice recently haunted?"

"That would be correct, you're Honor."

"Uh…" The skeleton was speechless. "Why are you defending him?" Lydia relaxed at the judge's question.

"Because…" She looked at Betelgeuse and said in a sincere voice: "…he's my best friend."

Both Betel and Mental's mouths hung open; Betelgeuse was the first to regain his de-composure. The Ghost with the Most stared at Lydia like she'd just grown two heads. ' _What_ ** _is_** _this girl?_ ' He thought perplexed.

Judge Mental finally shook off his shock. " _A-hem_ , anyway…" He loosened the rope that held him. "Concerning the ghosts that have occupied the house previous to the Deetz's moving in; it seems they were sentenced to _half_ of their Haunting sentence of 125 years in…" Mental bleached white. "…Further-Farther Land."

"BJ, that's almost sixty-two years?" Lydia became distressed. "I'll be **_seventy-five_** before I can even remember- remember- **_Ah!_** _"_ Lydia stomped her foot on the ground.

"Ah, nothin' ta worry 'bout Lyds, least ya'll see 'em again, **right**?"

Lydia gave him a dirty look. "Yeah, _right._ "

"During this Haunting, Mr. Juice, you illegally attached your spectral tail to their houses Realworld perimeter, correct?"

"Duh, how else was I gonna do the job?"

"A **YES** or a **NO** , Mr. Juice."

"YES." Yelled Betelgeuse, annoyed.

"This lead to you breaching the terms of your name's powers, the Curse of Three, via pamphlets and a…" Judge Mental snorted. "…wild-west advertisement?"

" _Yes._ " Betel turned away from Lydia's giggling form. "Ah, put a cork in it Lyds…" He whispered to her; too bad he couldn't use his Juice or the pun would have materialized. ' _Now_ ** _that_** _would have been funny._ ' He thought and laughed.

"Mr. Juice, these charges aren't funny…" Pressing a button on his podium Betelgeuse suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree. "Those charges are." The entire room broke out in laughter.

Lydia looked concerned. "Beetlejuice?"

"S'alright, Babes…" He coughed out smoke; looking black and burnt to a crisp. "I'm dead… it'll ware off…" His body disintegrated into a black pile of soot on the floor. "…Ow-y."

"How could you do that to him?" Lydia shot at the judge.

"What? It won't kill him, he's already dead." Mental shrugged her off.

"But it obviously _hurt_ him!"

" _So?_ He **hurt** several people in your Haunting alone, _not_ to mention all of his **previous** endeavors and scams." Judge Mental slammed his gravel down on the podium silencing the court. "Your so-called **_FRIEND_** has hurt Neitherworld citizens and Humans alike with his Juice for _centuries_ , Miss Deetz!" Mental practically screamed at her.

"I figured that, but-"

Mental cut her off. "Speaking of Mr. Juice's _Juice_ …" Mental's eye-less sockets turned to Betelgeuse. "What have you to say about your NEW status, Mr. _LIMBO_ ** _DEMON_**?"

Lydia turned to look at Betelgeuse. Betel could only stand there and let the Post-Mortemiterate disease take effect. He watched with a sense of foreboding twisting his spectral gut as Lydia put two and two together.

"BJ?" She asked; her voice laced with fear. "Why'd he call you a **Demon?** "


	10. The Demon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice and don't take anything I write as canon. Characters in this chapie are probably OOC, but hey, I'm not the first to do it and besides – you might be angry too in Lydia's situation. Apparently, Astaroth is the final boss in the Beetlejuice video game for Game Boy as stated by Wiki, so I decide to give him props in this story.

…

_Twelve Fourteen p.m._

…

"Th-That's a good question, Babes…" He was sweating profusely.

"Yes, that is a good question, Miss Deetz." Judge Mental addressed her. "You see, Mr. Juice was once a Class 6 Malevolent Spirit, but within the past five year's he'd made a Deal with a Demon from the _Negaworld_."

Lydia's eyes went wide.

"Lyds, look Babes, I'm not-" Lydia turned her face to his and he couldn't bring himself to lie. "Listen Lydia-"

"Don't." She stopped him. " _Don't_ use my name." Lydia stepped away from the cage. "You're a **Demon**?"

Betelgeuse sighed. "Yay Babes, I'm a Demon." Telling the truth was like having a knife twist around in his corporal gut. "A _Limbo_ Demon to be exact." He looked down at her feet, and for once in his entire afterlife, felt ashamed. "I'm not a **real** Demon, just the, _ha-ha_ , ghost of one – the ghostly equivalent."

"Yes, and do you know what your actions to this girl would have meant?" Judge Mental felt like being ruthless. "Do you know what happens to the Living if they marry a Demon?"

Betelgeuse shut his eyes and wouldn't answer.

"They switch places with the Living. Which would have meant you, Mr. Juice would have gotten Out and…" Mental looked directly at the girl. "…Miss Deetz's SOUL would have been ripped from her living body and thrust directly into the CLOSET!"

Lydia was confused and horrified. "Wh-What's the _Closet_?"

Betelgeuse spoke silently, loud enough for her to hear: "It's **_Death_** for the Dead, Babes."

"I c-can't be-believe it…" Her voice trembling. "How could you have tried to do this to me?" Her eye's searched his, since they were the windows to the soul, and Lydia found she couldn't stand to look at the emotions his held.

"Lyds don't cry…" He hung his head. "I can't stand ta see ya cry."

"Yes, and neither can I." Replied Mental. "You've caused this girl and her family enough pain. There for, I Judge Mental sentence yo-"

" ** _STOP!_** " Lydia stood shaking with anger. ' _He was going to use me,_ ** _kill me_** _, to get Out!_ ' Her mind screamed.

"EXCUSE ME, Miss Deetz, but _WHY_ would you interrupt me? I would think you'd obviously want this…" He sneered at Betelgeuse. "…Demonic-vermin gotten rid of?"

"Babes?" Betel stood up straight.

Tears freely flowed down her face. ' _I'm so tired of everyone deciding what's_ ** _right_** _, for me, for BJ, for the Mai-Mait-._ ' Lydia cried out in anguish and slammed one of her fists on the table.

"Miss Deetz, please control yourself." Judge Mental failed to act stern. "This is a House of Justice."

" **Justice?** " Lydia repeated. "This isn't a House of _ANYTHING_ ; otherwise I wouldn't be standing here with **him** …" Lydia pointed at Betelgeuse. "…I'd be with- _with-_ "

Lydia screamed and Betelgeuse felt the knife give another twist; all of this was his fault.

" _Lydia?"_ Betel said in a small voice.

" ** _WHAT?_** " Her blazing red rimmed eyes caught his.

"I, uh, I'm _sorry_ , Babes." His words were genuine. "When you've un-lived as long as I have – ya kinda go a little..." He gave a _court_ laugh. "…well, a lot crazy." He leaned against the bars and gave her a rare honest smile. "S'all I can say."

The bottom fell out of Lydia's stomach. She'd never held someone's afterlife – no – their _soul_ in her hands. If she really wanted to, by her own words she could send Betelgeuse's soul to the same place he would have sent her's had the marriage went through. Could she live with something like that?

Did she want to?

Shutting her eyelids tight Lydia tried to block out the noise in the court room. She thought of everything: her real mother & the divorce, her father shunning her for almost three years, Delia, the move to Winter Rivers, the two ghosts she could no longer put names too, and …Betelgeuse. Lifting a hand to her shoulder she tried to feel the paper through the two layers of fabric. She took a deep breath of the Neitherworldian air. Betelgeuse was her ticket IN and there was no way she'd give up the one thing she'd be able to fight for.

Lydia opened her brown eyes. "You know what, BJ, I really don't know you." She said turning to fully face him. "I think we need to re-work the details of our Best Friend Deal."

"Deal?" Judge Mental had over heard her. "What _deal_?"

"This…" Lydia pulled out the piece of paper from under her shirt. "…our contract."

"Babes, _what da ya think your doin'_?" Betel hissed out.

"Let me see that!" The contract disappeared from Lydia's hand into Mental's bony one. " _Best Friend Deal?"_ He read. "You must be **_joking._** "

"I'm not." Lydia replied.

"No, I'm serious. You _must_ be joking; this contract couldn't **bind** him…" He gestured to Betelgeuse. "…he's a Limbo Demon; with one surge of his "Juice" he'd override this in an instant."

"What-" Lydia paled. "What are you saying? Is it because of his signature?"

"HA!" Mental shook his skull at her. "No, he's too powerful to be contained by a mere _Breather_ contract – no matter how iron clad it may be." He tossed the contract to the side. "Your contract is **worthless** , Miss Deetz."

"But he can't curse and… and-" Lydia couldn't find the words to continue.

"Mr. Juice's real name is the one he'd signed with." Mental continued. "And the contract's rules are in effect as we speak, but be glad that he's been sealed by the Red Tape – for he wasn't, it would _NOT_ have taken _much_ for Mr. Juice to break free in his current state."

"No, _no,_ ** _no_** …" Lydia began to pull at her hair. "This _can't_ be true!" Stiffly walking towards Betelgeuse she reached in and took hold of the lapels on his striped suit. "Is it **_true?_** "

Betelgeuse's face slammed up against one of the red bars. "Yeagsh, Babhes."

Lydia pushed him back and quickly pulled on his lapels slammed him against the bars once more.

Betelgeuse saw stars. ' _This is the kind of treatment I'm used to…_ ' He mused.

After letting go of him Lydia watched as he sagged against the red metal. ' _I have to do something!_ ' She panicked. Grabbing Betelgeuse a third time – because it's a charm – she slammed him once more against the magical steel. She had a plan. "Break the contract." She whispered to Betelgeuse.

" ** _WHAT?!_** " He whispered back, completely baffled.

" _Break._ The. _Contract_." Lydia forcefully whispered.

"I can't." He ground out. " _Pre-packaged_ Juice, remember Lyds?" His head motioned to the bars.

"Fine, then I'll just do it myself." Lydia let go of him again, only this time she did so gently.

The whole act looked like a threatening exchange. Even though it was very amusing, Judge Mental wouldn't have any ruff-housing in his court room. Ready to motion Chopper to go and break it up, the judge stopped when the Deetz's girl let go of Betelgeuse and walked to the middle of the room.

"Now what, Miss Deetz?" Judge Mental was getting tired of this. They were already almost over an hour into this hearing; too long in his opinion.

"I want you to _make_ the contract legal and binding." She said flatly.

"Excuse me?" ' _Never in my afterlife._ ' Thought Mental. "What gives you the _power_ or the _right_ to ask such a thing? You may be a **_Breather_** , one of the _Living_ , but you are in the Land of the **DEAD** , Miss Deetz, and **we** make the rules down here." The judge threatened.

' _I can make threats too._ ' Thought Lydia, and stuck her hand under the red poncho into the purple dresses pocket. She pulled out the ring and held it up for the judge to see. In the background she could hear Betelgeuse suck in a quick breath.

" _Shoot_ , Lyds. Where'd ya _find_ that?" He tried to whisper to her. ' _She still has the ring!_ ' His mind buzzed with fright & excitment.

"Hmm, another joke Miss Deetz? You're becoming just as funny as Mr. Juice." He dismissed the object in her hand.

"This is the wedding ring Mr. Juice used the night he tried to marry me, so I **don't** expect you to find it funny."

This got Judge Mental's attention. "What are you-?"

"If you decide not produce a legal & binding contract, using the original constraints, I'll put this ring on my left hand's ring finger."

The court room gasped, Judge Mental's noose snapped sending him crashing onto his podium, Chopper dropped Betelgeuse's list ( _it un-rolled out of the court room and didn't stop till was 2078_ ), and Betelgeuse found himself trying to talk Lydia out of her decision.

"Babes! What the HEL-" He involuntarily bit one of the bars. ' _Stupid contract rule…_ ' "Yuck! What are you **_thinkin'_**? You're only a KID; this is your _life_ you're riskin', Babes! Don't do it!" Tricking some kid he'd just met into unknowingly switching places with him ( _and causing her death)_ didn't bother Betel too much. Thinking about pulling it off after she'd just forced him into, what he deemed a contract-from-hell, kind-of got under his corporal skin. But _deliberately_ trying to sacrifice her _life_ , her _soul_ , in exchange so that he could keep his?

How was he supposed to ignore that?

"Come on, Babes! _Lyds!_ " He tried to get her attention. " _LYDIA!_ "

…

A little later, after everyone in the court room adjusted themselves, Betelgeuse sedated, the trial continued. No one went near Lydia. She was like a ticking time bomb; a child with a loaded gun. In her hands she held the means to let the Neitherworld's worst resident Demon… _Out_ forever.

"Miss Deetz, do you have any idea of what you are about to **_DO_**?" Mental stood up behind his podium. "If you put that ring on – it will complete the verbal marriage that you made with Mr. Juice! He will be set **FREE**! A _DEMON_ in the REALWORLD!" He shouted at her. "You will DIE, Miss Deetz, and your soul will go into a LIMBO of torture and agony from which none can escape!"

Lydia's eyes turned to look at Betel, his hands and feet were shackled. A shiny piece of duck-tape covered his mouth. After Judge Mental's rant, a question had formed in her mind, and Lydia addressed the judge once more.

"Is that why they call BJ a _Limbo_ Demon? Because he gets his power from those souls stuck in Limbo?"

Mental fixed his wig before he spoke. "Yes, a Limbo Demon draws power, and in case of your… **_friend_** – "Juice", from the souls that are trapped in the Closet. It is why no ghost can ever leave that Limbo; none have the power thanks to Demons like _him._ " If Judge Mental could spit he would have done so.

"Whatever. I don't care." Lydia touched the ring to the tip of her wedding-ring finger.

" **NO!** No! I'll do it!" Mental waved his skeletal hands at her to stop. "Please, it's not worth your life or the risk of setting him _free!_ " Mental picked the contract up from the podium and sat down on the chair behind it.

Lydia held the ring steady over her wedding finger, still threatening.

"In order to allow this contract to become binding I will need to turn Mr. Juice back into a Class 6 Malevolent Spirit." He sighed; this suddenly became a lot of work. "Chopper, will you do the honors?"

"Certainly, Judge Mental."

" _Beetlejuice_." Chopper said his name like the curse it was. "Call upon the Demon you'd made your contract with."

Chopper walked over to Betelgeuse and grabbed the ghost, ripping the duck tape off of him. Lydia stepped back against the table and watched as Betelgeuse cracked his head and tried to knee the axe-wielding ghost. All of the jury members started to flee out of the court room.

"Sure thin', Choppy." He gave the executioner and evil smile. "Ya might want ta move outta the way for this…" His words were directed to Lydia.

"Come on **Juice**. I ain't got all day." Chopper let him go and stood by Lydia.

' _I beseech thee, O my soul; bless the Lord Astaroth, my darkness_.' Betelgeuse said in his mind. "Ore te, anima mea; Domino Astaroth, meo tenebras." He hoped it translated right.

Suddenly a black hole ripped open in the middle of the room and a monster – a demon – with large horns, a red face, and several arms tried to pull itself into the Neitherworld. One of the slimy scale-like arms went to grab for Lydia, but was efficiently chopped off by the appropriately named Chopper. The creature howled in agony and slipped a few feet back into the black pit it was trying to escape from.

" ** _Why_ do you call me forth, Drudge?** " The Demon Astaroth bellowed out towards Betel. Lydia wondered briefly how he Demon knew English, and how he could speak the language with such an oddly shaped head, he looked like a fish crossed with a ram.

"I am the one who wishes to speak with you, Lord Astaroth." Mental said from his perch. "I wish to break your contract with the Neitherworldian known as Beetlejuice."

" **Ha-ha-ha, that is unlikely. I do NOT break contracts, especially with a spirit such as Betelgeuse.** "

"What exactly were the details of Mr. Juice's contract?" Asked Judge Mental.

" **When set FREE from the Neitherworld, he promised to open the Realworld's realm to us: the Negaworldian's.** " Everyone except Betelgeuse paled. " **I shall never give up that man's soul.** "

"Please!" Lydia nudged forward. "Please, what can we do to convince you?" The Demon eyed Lydia hungrily.

" **Perhaps a _virgin_ sacrifice might change my mind…** " The Demon's arms went for Lydia.

Everything happened very fast. Chopper, instead of going for the creatures appendages, chopped a big hole in Betelgeuse's cage, effectively un-sealing part of his Juice. Free from the cage, but still slightly tied up by the Red Tape, Betelgeuse managed to tackle Lydia away from Astaroth enclosing grip. Quickly, he snapped the chain on his wrist and ankle.

"Now, now…" Betel stood up, one arm crushing Lydia to his side, the other "tsk, tsking" the Demon. "Don't want ta _spoil_ your appetite, Astar-Buddy!"

" **TRAITOR! How DARE you-** "

"How _dare_ THIS…" Betel snapped his fingers and a giant bolt of lightning crashed through the roof of the court room; it struck Astaroth right in the demon's ugly face. Betel laughed manically and looked down at Lydia. "…and that's only a _fraction_ of my **new** Juice, Babes!"

Pieces of the ceiling began to crash down around them. Betelgeuse had once again become something scary to Lydia. However, this time there was something in the room scarier than the slightly overweight Limbo Demon. At that moment, with the creature still screaming from the dark hole, it didn't come as a bother to Lydia when she clung to his pudgy middle for dear life.

"Geez, Lyds. Loosen up, I'm not a tube of tooth paste – ya don't have ta squeezed so hard." He smiled down at her and she relaxed her grip. "Don't worry, Babes, Best Friends don't let Best Friends get eaten by inter-dimensional butt-headed Demons."

Despite the situation, Lydia found herself laughing. "Just don't get yourself killed…" At his funny look she added: "…again."

"Awe Babes!" He tried to kiss the top of her head, but the contract stopped him short. " _Thanks_."

Lydia let go of Betelgeuse just as Astaroth resurfaced from the dark pit. If looks could re-kill The Ghost with the Most would have already been double-dead. Betel causally stepped forward to the edge of the black hole, mindful of the Demon's many arms.

"Hey, Astro-Boy, speaking of **MY** contract, what do ya call a needle, four rulers, and a bad tailor?"

The giant demon blinked. " **A needle, four… tailor…** " He began to mumble. " **A needle has an eye…four as in inches? Oh, but a tailor fits clothing…** " Then Demon's eyes lit up. " **Ah-HA! I've got it! Eye Four-fit… I FORFEIT!** "

Betelgeuse just smiled. "It's Showtime!"


	11. The Contract

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Beetlejuice, the movie or the cartoon, or the merchandise, or the video games…
> 
> The seriousness stops after this chapter, uh, I think… and it's the END of the weird time jumping! Pay attention to how BJ's name is spelled in this chapter, it sort-of coincides with who addresses him, and how the contract effects him.

…

_Twelve Fifty Four p.m._

…

' _I return to my soul. My Master Astaroth, to the darkness._ ' It sounded right in his head. "Redeo animam meam. Dominus Astaroth meus, ad tenebras." Betel closed his eyes.

In a swirl of debris, dark wisps, and limbs the creature known as Astaroth was sucked back into the black hole it came out from. Actually using his smarts, when Betel made the contract with the Demon he remembered to add a loophole of his own – so that if Astaroth ever said "I Forfeit" the contract would officially become annulled. With the Demon gone from the Neitherworld's dimension and the end of his contract Betelgeuse felt his new Juice get flushed with the creature. Betelgeuse opened his eyes and dusted off his black & white striped suit. The Latin phase had sent the Demon back to the Negaworld. Gazing back a Lydia he smiled; perhaps his afterlife was looking up?

Chopper tackled him to the ground.

"AH! Hey, get off ya big oaf!" The executioner had begun to wrap him in more Red Tape. "Watch the suit, _Bub_. Gee, can't ya _cut_ a guy some slack?" Betel paled; if not for the tape he was sure he wouldn't have been able to control the pun.

"I can cut you all you want, Beetlejerk." Chopper balefully replied.

"Eh… maybe not."

"BJ?" Lydia walked over and knelled next to the now fully wrapped poltergeist.

"Yeah, Babes?"

"Are you…?"

"He's no longer a Limbo Demon, Miss Deetz." Replied Judge Mental from his podium; Chopper standing below him. "Now, can we PLEASE finish this hearing before any more of my beloved Court House is destroyed?" He said sarcastically.

"Come on, BJ. I'll help you into the chair." Lydia put her back into getting him into the chair. "Um, BJ?"

"What s'matter Lyds?"

"You're… **purple**."

"Uh… o'course I am, Babes. _Dead_ , remember?" He chirped.

"No, I mean, you're actually purple - a shade of _lilac_."

"Oh…" Betelgeuse's body sagged in the chair. "…fergot 'bout that." In the back of his mind he knew his appearance changed when he severed his ties with Astaroth.

"Forgot about _what_?" Asked Lydia.

"The fact that he got demoted to a Class 6 Malevolent Spirit, meaning he'd have to return to his old poltergeistic form." Judge Mental interrupted. "That's what he looked like before he became a Demon."

Lydia examined Betelgeuse: had lilac colored skin, jaundice green eyes, green rotting crooked teeth, and dull blonde hair. " _Deadly-voo_ …" She marveled at his transformation.

"Hmph, deadly boo-hoo to you too, Lyds." He stuck his long green striped tongue out at her. "You try being scary lookin' like a _plum_."

Lydia laughed.

"Miss Deetz, may we continue or are you done threatening marriage to the court?" Mental held up the contract.

"Oh, sorry." Lydia brought the ring out and held it in position. "Ok, ready."

" _Powers That Be_ , give me strength…" Judge Mental face-palmed. "Alright, first: let us change this silly paper." The contract yellowed and lengthened, Lydia's script became fancy and cursive. "Ah, better. Ok, Miss Deetz, I am going to tell you that I'm willing to keep most of your stipulations."

"Really, but-"

"However, I _will_ be adding to your rules: No smoking, drinking, or fornicating of any kind in the presence of Miss Deetz-"

"WHAT!?" Betelgeuse sat straight up in his chair. "NO SMOKIN' _OR_ DRINKIN'? **_NO SEX!?_** " Another piece of duck-tape was forcefully placed over his mouth. Lydia winced and silently thanked Chopper.

"At least not in Miss Deetz's presence." Mental replied and went on. "I also think you – Miss Deetz – _should_ have an escape goat." A goat jumped out from behind the podium and escaped out the doors. "I'll call it the Death Age Loophole: if you die at the age of Mr. Juice's death, i.e. thirty-seven, or live beyond, then the contract shall no longer affect either of you." The words appeared magically on the new contract. "Unless, of course, Miss Deetz wishes to extend it another sixty-three years…"

"Mmhph-hmph-hmm-humpah!" Betel tried his best to speak.

"That seems fair." Lydia leaned over and whispered to the frustrated Betelgeuse.

"Mr. O'Headly can you come here a minute?" Mental bent down and started to whisper something to his loyal executioner. "Great, thank you Chopper."

Chopper walked across the room and went to grab Betelgeuse, but in the last second turned and grabbed Lydia. His large grubby hand grasped the girl's ring and dropped her to the floor. Walking back to Betel he searched the poltergeist's right hand for the large High's Ghoul ring.

"Got 'em, Judge Mental."

Lydia went to stand up and protest when a table shot out from the linoleum behind her. Not being faster than the straps Lydia became bound to the table. Another table did the same for Betelgeuse, only it wrapped around him, instead of tying onto his limbs.

"Ah, the ritual "Rings of Bonding." Mental smiled, it made him look creepy. "This will give Mr. Juice and yourself a little incentive as not to… take the **_easy_** way out of his contract."

"Wha-What are you saying?" Lydia looked at the judge, frightened.

"I'm saying that _IF_ you die before you turn thirty-seven, regardless of **HOW** , you shall be considered a _suicide_ by the Neitherworldian government, therefore classified as a Civil Servant for the rest of your Afterlife. Oh, and as for you Mr. Juice, since this ritual will "bond" your souls together, your punishment will be to in the form of a Case Worker; for as long as Miss Deetz un-lives."

Both Lydia and Betelgeuse looked at one another horrified. Suddenly the cute little "Best Friend Deal" had become something dark & serious. Lydia watched as Chopper walked over, grabbed her right hand, and shoved the purple crystal ring onto her "engagement" finger; the one that symbolized their new friendship. The ring's gold band constricted and seemed to burrow into Lydia's skin. It hurt for a few minutes, but afterwards the pain subsided and the ring loosened. The spiritual metal began to seep its cold-aura into the throbbing flesh, calming her sore finger.

"MHHHHHHHHHPH!" Betel had gotten the same treatment with his large gold ruby encrusted ring.

"The rings will also make sure that a constant..." Mental tapped a bony finger to his skull and thought. "…oh, 5% of "Juice" flows between the rings and into Miss Deetz to use? That should be enough to keep the girl from getting herself into too much trouble. Don't you think so, Mr. Juice?" Baited Mental.

"MHPH-JUMPH!" Betel struggled in the chair.

"I'm going to get some of BJ's **power**?"

"Yes, Miss Deetz." Judge Mental stated flatly. "Now, time for my favorite part!" He clapped his bony hands together. "The Blood Wax!"

This time Betelgeuse jumped and pulled against the restraints so violently he managed to come loose and fall off the table with a look of pure horror crossing his face. Lydia blanched; she didn't like the sound of whatever Mental was talking about.

Chopper walked over and ripped the duck-tape off of Betel's mouth. "Yeow!" He yelled. "Watch it, _Chops_ that hurt!"

"Don't call me _Chops_ , Beetle _dork_." Chopper picked up Betel by his boots and began to drag him off into a side room.

"BJ! Beetleju-"

"MISS DEETZ!" Mental screeched out her name. "Don't worry; Mr. Juice is just going to get… dipped."

" _Dipped?_ " She struggled in her bonds. "Dipped in what?"

"Wax, Miss Deetz…  _blood_ wax." Metal's skeletal grin got impossibly wide. "Chopper, I hope the wax is boiling hot when you dip his finger, toes, and…" The Judge gave Chopper a wicked smile, and Chopper laughing in turn nodded, knowingly.

Lydia screamed as Chopper appeared, hovering over her, his axe held high above her head. In reality, Chopper only pricked her finger and the wound drew a small amount of blood. Neither Judge Mental nor Chopper were actually out to hurt Lydia. ( _They wanted to scare her really, really bad. Because, come on! They didn't get out to the Realworld often enough to scare anybody!_ ) How convenient was it to have a breather right then & there to freak out? 

Lydia really didn't have to scream like a raving banshee the entire time, but she did anyway, and afterwards they let her down from the table.Taking the small vial of blood, the Gallows Man/Court Officer returned to the "recess" room. Several screams later, Betel was brought back out and thrown onto a chair next to Lydia. He looked like a train had hit him. The combat boots on his feet were missing, noted Lydia, and upon closer inspection she seen that his toes were red tipped. Eyes traveling up his form she briefly noticed his fly was down. Blushing, her eyes continued to travel to his fingers, they'd been red tipped as well.

"Now I'm just like Uncle Sid…" Betel croaked out. "This stuff doesn't come off-"

"Not to worry Mr. Juice." Judge Mental interrupted. "You see - just as a precaution I added the Clean Clause." He laughed. "I may be physically heartless, but I'm not inherently cruel. I'm sure your normal powers of disguise can hide the Blood wax, with the help of this clause. It will allow: "if in any moment of Mr. Juice's Afterlife should he decide to "clean up" his moral act, the wax shall disappear, however, if he should go back to his un-clean moral ways so shall the Blood wax return to his person.""

"Ya fergot ta mention…" Betel angrily replied. "…that it also acts like that Red Tape, and binds my Juice & the contract to my soul!" Betel stood, wobbly, from the chair and slammed his hands on the table. "An 'cause Babe's here is a virgin, the wax's hold is super powerful."

Lydia was silent.

"Yes, yes…" Mental chuckled evilly. "…and I've been looking for a way to bind that power of yours for THREE centuries Mr. Juice, and thanks to your greed and Breather Envy, I've finally succeeded."

"Why I'm gonna..." He began to roll up one of his sleeves. "… _flatten'_ ya into a _pancake_!" With the lack of his "new" Juice and now further restrictions on his regular power, the pun came swiftly. Suddenly Lydia found herself sitting next to a Betel-pancake that'd been smashed to the floor by a giant spatula.

"HA-ha-ha-ha, ah it is always nice to see you _scraping_ for jokes Mr. Juice." The spatula scraped Betel off the floor and he returned to his normal self. "I believe a Mind-Warp is needed, though, to allow for the "incognito" part of the contract to work. Perhaps we'll wipe the memories of every human you've ever met in the last century of your existence. Excluding Miss Deetz, of course."

Lydia held onto Betelgeuse, keeping him steady, as he healed from the effect of the pun. ' _So I'll be the only human to remember BJ?_ ' Lydia thought. _'…this is GREAT!_ " At that moment, Betel put a hand to his head and tried to shake off the taste of beetle-batter.

"Last but not least: Mr. Juice – to end the confusion, I demand that from this moment on your official title will be the one given to you during your Re-birth: Beetle Juice. The pronouncement of this name, in any of its forms however, shall still remain under the Curse of Three."

"Therefore by the Powers That Be, I Judge Mental, sentence Mr. Beetlejuice and Miss Lydia Joyce Deetz to a legal and binding contract entitled: "The Best Friends Deal"."

Judge Mental began to tie a new noose around is bony waist. Chopper proceeded to pick up all the paperwork and through it down a shoot that would dump on some unsuspecting intern to be filled later. Beetlejuice stood still as Lydia smiled at him, the kid had gotten what she wanted, but as he watched Judge Mental prepare to leave one question bugged his mind.

"Oi, Mental. Ya could have thrown out our case when ya grabbed the rings." He caught the skeleton's attention. "Ya could've had me exorcized…" He paused. "…why didn't ya?"

"I have only one thing to say to this:" Judge Mental glared down at him. "As much as I detest you _Mr. Juice_ … I despise the _filth_ of the Negaworld even more." Mental turned to face Lydia. "Have a pleasant ... _life_ , Miss Deetz." ' _I have a feeling I'll see the girl again._ ' Judge Mental lifted his gravel and swung it down. "CASE CLOSED!" Judge Mental announced. " _Finally…_ "

…

_One twenty four p.m._

…

Lydia sat in her room, dazed, with a ringing in her ears. Steadying her head with her hand she slowly blinked at her mirror. Her reflection stared back at her and she relaxed. After the trial she'd been "poofed" back to her world. ' _Oh my god, what happened to BJ!_ ' Her mind worried.

Then a hand with red tips clamped over her right shoulder.

"WAH!" Lydia jumped.

"Geez, _chill_ Babes." Replied Beetlejuice and proceeded to freeze over; covered in ice.

Lydia got up from the chair after "breaking" free of his hand; amused his hand was still frozen and attached to her shoulder. She couldn't resist it: "So Beetlejuice, need a hand?"

Beetlejuice groaned, as he watched Lydia carefully try to remove his frozen hand. All he could do was stay still; the pun had "chilled" him to the bone. Lydia, frustrated, gave the frozen appendage one good hard pull, and Beetle winced when his hand, which was clutching the red fabric, ripped a good chunk of the girl's poncho off.

"Oh, no!" Lydia's eyed Beetle's hand and the red fabric it held. Her eyes shot to his. " _Beetlejuice_ , look at what you did!"

"Hey, watch the _B-word_ , Babes!" He snatched his hand from her. "One more _strike_ and I'm outta here!" The pun materialized a baseball bat that began to take swipes at his head. "Ah! Woah! **_Lyds!_** "

"Ho-Hold ON!"

Without thinking Lydia took off her poncho and used it to lasso the rogue bat. She'd managed to hold it down long enough for the Juiced-bat to "poof" away, but not before it ripped he mother's now green table-cloth to shreds. Lydia sank to the floor holding the fragile garment.

"Ah, don't worry Babes! A gal at my apartment knows how ta fix up stuff like this!" Lydia looked up at him hopeful. "Why I bet she could even make ya a new one!" He smiled at her and picked up the shredded green table-cloth.

Lydia sat defeated on the floor. Beetlejuice finally noticed how worn-out the young breather looked. Thinking back, the girl did have one heck of a day.

"What a day, huh Lyds?" Then his eye's peered out at the viewer reading the fan fiction. "Took eleven chapters for that dang writer to get us this far!"

"BJ…What are you talking about?"

"Awe, nothin', Lyds…"

Lydia gave him a weird look.

"Hey, Babes?"

"Yeah, BJ?"

"Don't ya ever, EVER, do what ya did again."

"Do what?" She asked.

Beetlejuice blushed. "T-Tryin' ta 'sacrifice yourself fer me." He wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Oh BJ, its ok." He gave her an annoyed look. "I was just _bluffing._ " Lydia smiled all-knowingly at him. "Got ya!"

She started to laugh.

He hovered over to her, an evil green-toothed smile crookedly splitting his face. To Lydia he wasn't sinister looking. Well, to a dentist he would be, but not to her. Being purple with green teeth and yellow eyes really didn't excite fear in Lydia; Beetlejuice was too funny to look at in her opinion.

She laughed harder.

"Why ya little prankster-"

"Oh, LYDI-AHHH!" Delia sing-songed outside of the Goth's room.

"Eeeeep!" Beetlejuice "poofed" out of sight.

At Betel's departure his Spectral Tail deposited a tin can, an eye-ball, a dead bat, an obnoxious smelling cloud of funk, and ( _this wasn't his doing_ ) Delia pounding on her door. Quickly, Lydia ran towards her vanity and picked up the first thing she grabbed, and sat down in front of the mirror.

She held a tube of used pink lipstick. ' _What a day this turned out to be._ ' She thought, and then cringed. ' _Time for some changes..._ ' Lydia picked up the other tubes to smeared more of her red & black lipstick on.

"Come in... _Mother_!"


	12. The Keys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Priscilla "Priss" Westley, Jill White, Stacey Robbins, and Amanda Olsen are characters borrowed from "Beetlejuice #2: Lydia's Scream Date". 
> 
> Pourquoi serait-Beetljuice jaloux? (I think) = Why would Beetlejuice be jealous? 
> 
> Oh mon, ce n'est pas bon. (I think) = Oh my, this is not good.
> 
> I'm part-French, but I do not know how to speak French; Beetlejuice knows how to speak French because I believe while alive he lived in France or Britain or somewhere in Europe. He has a "friend" (Jacques) who speaks French. Plus, 600 years = very boring, so why not learn French? For some reason I like typing the word French.

…

_October 13, 1988_

…

"Look all I'm askin' is that ya fix it up!"

"Beetlejuice, like I said before: that poncho is torn to shreds. It's _un-mend-able_ , and besides, I wouldn't do _you_ a favor even if you **begged!** " Ginger went to slam the door.

" **WAIT!** " He stuck his foot inside as it shut. "AHHOOW! Please, it's _not_ fer me!"

"So let me guess? It's for some grubby little scheme you've got planned?"

"No, no! Its fer my friend, my best friend! Lyds, Lydia!"

"Lydia?" A memory of a girl wearing a red poncho clicked in her mind. "What did you do to that little girl!" Kicking the door open with her three heels she started spinning her Web; tying Beetlejuice up.

"Mmph-mmphmm."

"Opps…" She cut a hole for his mouth.

"I didn't do anythin' ta the little brat! She ripped her poncho-thingy and I thought ya could do her a favor 'an fix it!"

"Oh, well…" Ginger bit her lip. "I wasn't lying when I said I couldn't patch it up." She picked up a piece of the green colored cloth. "This is _mortal_ clothing, my spider thread wouldn't hold it together… the fabric is too weak to hold up to Neitherworldian conditions."

"So what are ya sayin'?"

"Mmm… I could make a new spider-silk poncho for Miss Lydia." Then her eyes narrowed. " **ONLY** for Miss Lydia."

"Great, that's great!" He smirked. "The kid will love it." ' _And I'll get on her good side and she'll let me Out more often!_ ' His thoughts ran wild.

"Beetlejuice?" At the sound of his name he looked up at Ginger.

"Yeah, what?"

Ginger opened her mouth then at the gleaming look in his eye decided against what she was about to say. ' _Something's up with him… and not because he's a ghost again_.' She thought. "Nothing much, it will be done before Halloween." Ginger closed the door on his face.

"Yowch!" He grabbed his lilac hooked nose. "Sheesh, my poor _schnazz._ "

"Beatlejoose! _Mon_ goodness! I did zot know you zpoke German?"

"Oh no…" Beetle tried to walk away from the jogging skeleton. "What do ya want Bone-head?"

"Vell, I heard you an' Ginger talking abovut Miss Lydia-"

"Huh, so what da ya know about Lyds?" Beetle spun around on the skeleton.

"N-Nothing, Beatlejoose!" Jacques waved his bony hands in defense. "I was just talking to 'er I swear!" Beetlejuice's jealous display triggered a thought: ' _Pourquoi serait-Beetljuice jaloux?_ ' A light blinked on over his skull. " _Monsieur_ , you do not plan on- on-"

"On what?"

" _De se marier_?"

"Ugh… No Jac, I'm * _snort_ * not gonna _marry_ her." Then Beetle thought: ' _...within the next twenty years..._ '

In the middle of a laugh Beetlejuice felt the magic on his name pull at his soul. The kid was calling him. ' _Two more ta go._ ' Beetle though. Smiling wickedly at Jacques the Ghost with the Most gave a mock bow and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

" _Oh mon, ce n'est pas bon."_

…

"Why won't ya let me OUT?"

"Because BJ. The last _three_ times I let you _Out_ – you tried to scare my Dad, rearranged Del- my _Mom's_ sculpture room, and you magic-ed yourself to a strip-club somewhere in Las Vegas!"

"Babes, most of 'em were drunk I _swear!_ An' hey? You're rated "PG" Lyds, ya would'ta spoiled all my fun!"

"AAAGGUHHH!" Lydia grabbed the mirror and shook it.

"WHOAH! Whoah, Babes! Calm down! Break this mirror and no travel between worlds fer either of us!"

"Wha-Why?" Lydia let go of the mirror and sat down on her bed.

"Cause, you break a mirror with a ghost inside it – you break their soul – and it takes a LOT of Juice ta put a soul back together. Callin' my name doesn't work if my corporal body an' Juice is scattered."

"Oh, I didn't kno-" ' _Hold on, he changed the subject._ ' "BJ! Can you do nothing else but get in trouble?"

"Sure, Babes…" Beetlejuice wiggled his eyebrows at her. "I can try ta get Y. O. U. in _trouble_ , if ya catch my drift…"

" **Eww.** I thought the contract prevented innuendos?"

"Nope, just prevents the _actions_." He grumbled. "I can do nothin' sexual ta ya or around ya, Lyds."

"That's comforting-"

"Pumpkin?" Charles knocked on the Goth's door.

"DAD!?" Lydia jumped off the bed as Charles stepped into the room.

"Is everything alright?"

Lydia eyed the now empty mirror. "Um, everything's find Dad."

"Go-Good, glad to hear." His eyes shifted around her room nervously. "Hav-Have you seen my keys?"

"No Dad."

"Oh, um, ok… If they don't turn up, I'm af-afraid you'll have to bike to school today." He left room and closed her door. Lydia quickly made a dive for her vanity mirror.

" _Bee-Jay_ , don't you dare!"

Lydia waited for him to show up in her mirror. Then without warning a man's girly-scream came from outside her door. Letting her head fall to the vanity's desk she willed the stress away. Beetlejuice's laughter alerted her that he was finally present in the mirror.

"I can NOT believe you scared my father!" She didn't lift her head to acknowledge him. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothin' much, although I think Chucky's gonna make a dentist appointment real soon…" He chuckled and seen Lydia's facial expression. "Lyds, I'm a poltergeist, I got a personal quota ta fill." Beetle yawned and stretched his back. "'Sides Chucky's the only one home! He thinks I'm a figment of his imagination… an' Dippy-Delia, well, she probably thinks I'm part of her "artist's visions"!"

"I'm **SERIOUS** BJ! You're going to scare him to _death_ if you keep it up!" Her fist pounded the table and she looked up at him. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No."

"Why can't you just stay in the Neitherworld till I call you?"

" **Call me?** Ya haven't called me in a week! And ya know what? I like ta scare your 'rents, Babes." He scrunched his hooked nose at her. "You're just gonna have'ta _deal_ with me." He pulled out the contract they'd made from his suit. "You **forced** this on me, remember?" The contract disappeared.

"Yeah, and you _lied_ to me, SEVERAL times, _remember_?" Lydia did her best to mimic him.

"Piff...uh-huh." He pulled out a pair of keys from his pocket and twirled them on his finger.

"Are those the keys Dad was looking for?"

"Maybe…" He gave her a green-toothed smile. "Let me Out and ya can have 'em back."

"No way! I can't _trust_ you." She crossed her arms. "BJ…give the keys back, I don't feel like riding my bike to school today!"

"Boo-hoo, Lyds!" Beetlejuice whined. "Lydia, my "BEST friend", o'course ya can trust me!" The keys stopped spinning. "'Sides, if you don't let _me_ Out, I don't let _you_ In." His grin widened.

"You know what? You're not much of a _friend_ BJ, let alone a best friend."

" _Wha-hut_ are ya talkin' about, Babes?"

"Do I have to count?" She said sarcastically. "First: you scare my parents' even while "inside" the Neitherworld. Second: you constantly moving stuff and take things-"

"Hey, I told ya: poltergeist = natural prankster and I can't help it if we "ghosts" create electromagnetic fields. Stuff _accidentally_ sticks ta us like flies on sh-" His mouth zipped itself shut.

"Ha-ha. Hmm, I guess I have to leave for school, since I'm biking _, no_ _thanks to you."_

Beetle pocketed the keys and unzipped his mouth. "Babes! Wait!"

...

_A few hours later..._

...

"I thought I told you NOT to look!" Lydia screamed at the large locker room mirror.

" _Lyds_ , don't be such a _prude!_ I only wanted a peek…" He smirked at her. "Nice undies by the way."

"UGH! I can't **believe** you!" She wrang her uniform's blue jacket out in the sink. "Now I have to wear my gym sweats for the rest of the day!"

" _Believe_ me, Babes." He snickered. "Short of callin' me out – I'm the real deal."

" _Why? Why, why, WHY_ did you have to follow me to school?" She said as Lydia began to wring water out of her skirt.

"I _had_ to, Babes! How else am I gonna get ya ta call me Out if I don't show-off my scare-tactics!"

"You used your "scare-tactics" on _ME!_ " Lydia tossed her soggy uniform at the mirror, hitting Beetle in the face, however it did little to cause him any damage.

"Babes… what's a few parlor tricks between _friends_?"

" _Parlor tricks?_ Having my paint set "come to life" and give me a mustache? Juicing the water-fountain to bust a line and _soak_ me? Tying my shoe-laces together in order to trip me? Is that _funny_ to you?"

"Yep." Beetle leaned against the sink in his side of the mirror. "Now just imagine: all that could'ta happened ta that little prissy Miss Priss."

Lydia wouldn't look at him and crossed her arms. Since the beginning of the school year a snobby ninth grader named Priscilla Westley and her cronies Amanda Olsen, Jill White, Stacey Robbins, and their worshiper Claire Brewster had been tormenting most of the students at Miss Sharron's School for Girls. Being new and a Goth made Lydia a prime target for their antics. At first they were put off by her. They found out quickly that fake rats, bugs, and other items that would make a normal girl quiver in fright, didn't work on Lydia. So they reversed tactics and painted her locker different shades of pink, stuffed frilly bows & Barbie dolls in her gym bag, and even had the nerve to announce on the PA system that she liked the movie "Pretty in Pink". ( _Lydia did like the movie but she didn't want the whole school to know._ ) With the exception of Beetlejuice's pranks, the Piss Pact had made most of her classes an embarrassment trap.

Silently, Lydia watched Beetlejuice pull out her father's keys to clean his nails. ' _I made a deal with a ghost who was a demon, then got turned back into a ghost, and now he's trying to con me into letting him out so he can reap his own personal brand of torment on my family._ ' Lydia face-palmed. Her eyes returning to view the pungent poltergeist she noticed he didn't get a good angle the first couple of times and took his hand off to maneuver the key better.

Then it hit her.

"Beetlejuice?" At the sound of his full name the ghost stopped and gave her his full attention. "You can do anything, right? Walk through walls, possess people, control objects?"

"You bet, Babes." He was in full con-artist mode. "I can throw voices." His voice came from behind her. "Conjure gross creatures, bugs, smells…" Lydia held her nose. "The whole Ghostly Kit 'N' Ca- _BOO_ -dle. So say my name two more times and get the full package…" He gestured to himself. "…I'm at your service. Tax free!"

Lydia laughed as he winked at her for effect. Perhaps she'd been dropped as a child, but she found his unique brand of humor funny. Although he'd proven to be very dangerous and scary, Beetlejuice still made her laugh. ' _He can't be that bad with such a weird sense of humor, right?_ ' Lydia giggled at the thought.

"So, um…" Lydia walked over and leaned against one of the stalls. "I, uh, I want to _prank_ Priscilla."

"No _sh-shi-ssssshhhh_ - **sugar**!" Beetle groaned. "This contract is starting to _tick_ me off!" The pun activated. "YEOOOOWWCH!"

"BJ?" Lydia watched him through the large bathroom mirror as he undid the buttons on his striped suit jacket. Puzzled at first she wondered what he was doing when he lifted his white shirt. Blushing she averted her eyes, but not before getting a good look at him.

Lydia noted his entire form was lilac colored. He seemed to be missing his moss, she eyeing him out of the corner of her vision, but perhaps it would grow back? Beetlejuice pulled a particularly large tick off his stomach and Lydia blushed further at the sight of his exposed belly. The white shirt did a poor job a covering up his stomach bulge. ' _Did_ _he_ _have_ _a_ _pudge_ _when_ _he_ _was_ _alive_ _or_ _did_ _he_ _bloat_ _over_ _time?_ ' She morbidly wondered.

"Ticks, ya know I _hate_ ta _love_ 'em." He poked one of the leeching bugs.

"How is- don't ticks drink _blood?_ " Lydia slowly turned to look at him.

"Babes, I'm a _magical_ dead guy. Stuff like this doesn't need ta make _sense_."

"Ah-ha." Lydia tried not to watch as Beetlejuice began picking the ticks off his lilac skin and eat them. "Why do you eat bugs?"

"Cause their Life-flavored and I like the juicy middles." He laughed at Lydia's disgusted face. "Now, let's talk business." He tucked in his shirt. "How'd ya want me ta scare this Priscilla-saurus?"

"Well, I want to…" Lydia stared at the floor. "…do it m-myself."

"You? Are ya sayin' _you_ want ta prank the Priss-pot?"

"I th-thought, maybe you could teach me a few things…"

" _Trust me_ , Babes. I could teach a more than a _few_." He laughed. "Ya just gotta apply the same attitude ya give _me_ and turn it on the Priss-titute."

"I _know,_ but every time I try I-" Lydia threw up her hands and pulled on her hair. "-I _clam_ up!"

"Wait, Lyd-" Beetlejuice's pun-disease transformed him into a black & white striped clam.

At first all she could do was stare shocked at the mirror, then hesitantly, knocked on the surface. "B-BJ?" Lydia got no response. "Geez, what should I do? Um…" She thought for a moment. "Maybe I need to _come out_ _of my shell?"_

Lydia jumped back from the mirror as yellow lightning shot across the surface of the clam. A burst of smoke later, Beetlejuice transformed back into his humanoid form. Wide eyed, Lydia slowly walked towards the sink as Beetlejuice began dusting yellowish sand from his sleeves.

" _Thanks_ , Lyds." He shook his head. "Dang, Literal Translation-o-ictus." Beetlejuice hissed.

"Literal-what?"

"Ah, nothin' Babes." He straightened his suit. "So ya want ta learn how ta prank from the best?"

"Yes." Lydia's eyes sparkled.

He rolled up both his sleeves. "Then call me _OUT!_ "

Lydia stood back to and cocked her head to the side. ' _If_ _I_ _let_ _him_ _Out_ _will_ _he_ _help_ _me?_ ' Lydia doubted her "friend" but felt willing to chance it. She went to open her mouth, ready to recite his name, when she heard the door to the locker room open.

"Lydia, are you in here?" A voice echoed from the entrance. "What happened?"

"B-Bertha!" Lydia swiveled around to face the buck-toothed brunette. "Um, I, uh, got into an ac-accident with the water fountain." Lydia's tried to stretch out and cover the mirror. "H-How long have you been standing there?" ' _Hopefully not listening to me talk to a perverted ghost_.'

"Oh, me and Prudence just got here."

"R-Really?" Lydia asked and spied the mirror and felt relief to see it empty.

"Gym class is about to start." Prudence answered; walking around to stand in front of the taller girl.

"Ah! I fo-forgot!" Lydia stuttered, nervous and thinking that Beetle hadn't disappeared completely from the locker room.

"See you around Lydia." Bertha said as she and Prudence went to go change.

Beetlejuice stayed invisible as Lydia swiveled back around to the mirror. He watched as she went to speak then decided against it. ' _Bet the kid thinks she can pull of a grade-A prank all by herself!_ ' Beetlejuice chuckled in his mind. His eyes followed the Goth as she walked out of the locker room and into the gym.

Being a pervert, Beetlejuice stayed inside the large mirror. He avoided looking at the younger teens but eagerly eyed the older girls. Then a young woman with curly blonde hair, tied up in two ponytails, walked in trailing a group of girls. ' _The Priss-nato is here…_ ' He thought, and like a tornado the girl swept through the locker room. Pre-teens practically jumped to get out of her way. Beetle stayed in the mirror till everyone vacated the locker room before moving into the tiny mirror in Priscilla's locker. He didn't have much Juice to work with so he made the prank simple. Juicing up a stink-bomb the size of a grapefruit he popped out of the mirror into the locker. He was only a few inches tall.

He threw the squishy ball of nasty into the gym bag and climbed in after it; thirty minutes later the stink bomb was positioned in the girl's uniform. Satisfied with the stink-bomb's location Beetlejuice jumped as he heard the girl's returning from gym class. Feeling rushed, he tripped trying to escape the cloth around him.

' _Wait a minute: "magical dead guy". Duh!_ ' Beetle thought and concentrated on returning his tiny form to the tiny mirror. He rubbed his hands together in glee as the girls filtered into the locker room.

"Let's see what shakes loose…"


	13. The Bridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Beetlejuice, the movie or the cartoon, or the books...

...

Priscilla Westley walked into the locker room confident in the fact that she'd knocked every last girl under the age of fourteen in their place. Then her face scrunched up. ' _Every girl except_ ** _Deetz_** _._ ' She scowled. Undoing her hair she slipped a scrunchie on either hand and opened her locker. She stretched and looked at herself in the mini mirror. She checked her pores and when everything was a-ok turned to go to the showers.

A little while later she stalked back her soiled sweat pants and shirt tucked in her arm. Refreshed she took out her school uniform and placed her sweaty sweats in the gym bag. She let the towel fall to the floor and allowed the girls that were more under-developed to awkwardly take in her form. After a minute she began to get dressed. Her bra, shirt, and tie went on first.

Then she pulled on her skirt and underwear.

An audible popping sound was heard as Lydia entered the girl's locker room. As she passed the showers to see what happened; the smell hit her. Girls that were partly dressed maneuvered away from Priscilla. Lydia heard some of the pre-teens crying about the disgusting smell and _where_ it came from. Even though Lydia felt bad for the pranked teen, she couldn't help but laugh, and her laughter gave Priscilla the incentive to point in her direction.

"YOU! You did this, you- _you_ \- **_Freak!_** " Priss stomped over to Lydia. "Thanks to **you** I smell DISGUSTING and my outfit is RUINED!"

"Hey, don't threaten Lydia-" Bertha spoke while holding her nose.

"Why don't you keep your over-bite out of it, _Lanky-legs._ Take your braces and ge-"

"Ex-Excuse me, but I would prefer if y-you didn't address-" Prudence interrupted.

"Ha- _ha!_ That's **rich** , now _Strawberry-shortie_ is defending the "Queen of Darkness"." Priscilla put her hands on her hips. "If you both know what's good for you, you'll go back to your nerd-caves, stay socially awkward, and out of my way for the rest of the year. Understand?"

" ** _No._** " Lydia had said it loud enough for everyone in the locker room to hear.

"Ha, you think you're _sooo_ scary don't you, little Miss Goth. Well, I'll get you back for this, Deetz, and when I do you'll be _begging_ to go to a public school."

"I'd like to see you try, _Priss-aster._ " Lydia sneered.

"Excuse me? Oh, oh, I will, Deetz. I will." Puffing out her chest she turned around sharply, called her possy, and walked out of the locker room.

"Wow, Lydia. What a display of courage." Chirped Prudence.

"Yeah, like crazy amazing…" Bertha gaped.

Lydia laughed and looked up at the two girls. "I- thanks you guys."

"Awe, gee Lydia, me & Prudence would back you up any day."

"Bertha's correct, you inspire us Lydia."

" **I** inspire you?"

"Totally!" Bertha hugged Lydia. "You like, never let that snobby-cheerleader get under your skin!"

"You disbanded the popular tripe in an exceptional manner, but…" Prudence gave Lydia a thoughtful look. "…did you really put that stink-bomb in Priss's uniform?"

Lydia closed her eyes. Sliding down to the floor Lydia listened to a cackling evil laugh that came out of nowhere. She knew the fallout of _his_ actions would haunt her later, probably literally, and she began to question her morality. Lydia had almost sunk to her enemies' level, but in that moment she relished in the fact she'd gotten payback and stood up for herself, Bertha, & Prudence.

"I-" Another cackle from the background. "…yes, but someone helped me."

" _Who?_ " Both girls asked at the same time.

…

_October 15, 1988_

…

"Your _**girl** friend?"_

"I said: "one of my girl-friends from New York"."

"Why couldn't ya say boy? I'm a _boy_ , Lyds." He gave her a wicked smile. "Wanna check?" Beetle snorted out a laugh and went to "honk" his male appendage. The contract averted this action by forcing his hand in his pocket.

"No thank you _Beetlejuice_ and you are not my _boy_ friend." Lydia rolled over on her bed. "I have school tomorrow - thanks to **you** , I'll have to hide from the Priss Pack."

"Hmm, so I'll pretend to be your _girl_ -friend."

"What?" Lydia sat up an eyed the ghost in her mirror. " _Beetlejuice_ , no amount of drag and makeup will make you look like a teenage girl."

' _That's two!_ ' "But Lyds! Say the right words and I can!"

He watched as she got up from her bed and walked over to the mirror. Lydia had dressed in the same nightgown he'd seen her in the day she'd popped in on him in Juno's office. ' _Ex-Office, some guy named Smallhead occupies that space now…_ ' Beetle thought and Lydia sat down in front of him.

"There's no way it will work. How can you, a **man** , transform into a girl?" Lydia shook her head. "It's impossible _Beetlejuice!_ " Realizing the mistake to late her hands came up & clamped over her mouth. "Opps!"

"Nothin's impossible, Babes!" Beetlejuice climbed out of the mirror and tipped Lydia back; chair and all.

As she began to speak he grabbed her hand and spun her off the chair. Crashing her body to his he waltzed them in a circle into the air. He kept them spinning till he himself was dizzy and Lydia was a ball of giggling laughter. Floating back down Beetlejuice tossed the young girl on her bed. Sitting up Lydia watched as Beetlejuice wobbled around and collapsed on the floor. Eyes wide, she marveled at the visible stars flying around his head and the weird little chiming noises as he shook off his vertigo.

"Wow! Can we do that again?" She asked.

"Ugh… I don't think so Lyds." He held back his nausea. "Been a while since I did the Washer Waltz, fergot about the _spin-cycle_ …"

"Heh ha-ha, you sure are _light_ on your feet, BJ."

Beetle laughed and hovered off the floor. "Not bad, Lyds." He dusted his sleeves. "If I didn't know better I'd say you liked _punnin'_."

Lydia thought for a moment. "What are _girl_ -friends for?" She smiled at him and stood up.

" _Girlfriends?"_ Beetle asked confused; then it dawned on him. "Ah, _Fu-_ " *Poof* " _-udge._ "

A cloud of grey smoke filled Lydia's room while Beetlejuice transformed. Lydia coughed and tried to fan the smoke away from her; it smelled awful. Opening her eyes she was greeted with a unique sight.

"Beetleju-" A red tipped fingered hand silenced her.

"No-uh, Lyds." Beetle said in a girly voice.

The "girl's" extended hand snapped back into place. Lydia's mouth hung open as she took in the younger "female" version of Beetlejuice. Her eye twitched at the sight. The girl's long dull blonde hair had one small ponytail tied up in the back and she wore a black & white striped headband. Beetlejuice still wore her suit only now she sported a black & white striped skirt instead of pants, and instead of combat boots she wore a pair of high heeled "Beatle" boots.

Placing her hands together Girl-Beetle struck a pose. "Why Lydia, don't I look just adorable?" She bat her eyelashes.

"Um, no?" Lydia stuck out her tongue.

"Ehgh, gee thanks Lyds." Beetle's male voice spoke from the deranged looking young woman; it made Lydia's skin crawl. He switched back to the girly voice. "I think this form will work perfectly for when we _pop_ that Pris- _pimple!"_ Beetle pumped her arm in the air.

"B-BJ, I don-" Beetle came up and put an arm around Lydia's shoulders; oddly Beetle stood only few inches taller than her.

"Oh Lydia," She waved a manicured red tipped fingered hand at her. "…please call me _Betty._ "

"Betty?" Lydia slid out from under her girl-friend's arm.

"Yeah, like that cute cartoon from the 1930's." Betty giggled, and somewhere in the world someone puked up their lunch.

"You're talking about Betty Boop?" Lydia asked, cocking her head to the side and wondering if all of Beetlejuice's anatomy changed over. ' _He's got boobs? That's not right…_ ' She squinted and tried to remove the thought from her mind.

"Un-huh, only my name is Betty _Juice_." Betty stuck a hand under her armpit underneath the white shirt and proceeded to make musical farting noises. "Tee-he-he. Aren't I lady-like?"

"Oh, gross…" Lydia put a hand to her mouth. "Beet-Betty, I don't think this is going to work."

"Anyway…" Betty became serious. "…here's the plan, Babes:"

…

_One week later_

…

' _Why did I agree to his plan…_ ' She nervously pondered and watched as seconds ticked by on her bat watch. Lydia sat so still in her chair at her desk most of the students around her wondered if she died.

The bell rang and the teacher stood up. About to speak to the class the door to the classroom slammed open. A girl with pale white skin, almost purplish in color, stood in the doorway. She wore Beatle boots with green sock up to her knees, a green blazer, white shirt, black tie, and a black skirt.

Lydia cringed.

"Hi-ya!" The girl squealed in delight, making Lydia want to throw herself off the Winter River Bridge.

' _Why did I agree to this?_ ' She tried to hide her head in shame.

"Class I'd like to introduce you to… Miss Betty Juice." She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "Who, on her first day, is tardy."

"Oh, I'm so sorry Mrs…?"

"Kount."

"My, do ya teach math, _Mis-Count?"_

"Yes, Miss Juice I do. Why do you ask?"

"No reason, I just wanted to make sure everything _added_ up."

"Hmm, sure. Please take a seat next to…" She looked at her sheet. "Miss Deetz." Mrs. Kount looked towards Lydia. "Miss Deetz? Why are you banging your head on the table, child?"

' _This is gonna be a fun day…_ ' Betty laughed and skipped over to Lydia.

…

_After school._

…

Lydia walked home beside her bike. She wouldn't ride it for several reasons. One: it'd once been black – not black & white stripped. Two: her bike didn't have eyes and a mouth on the seat. Three: in the three years she owned it – it never spoke to her.

"So ya think she's gonna do somethin' ta ya?"

"I don't know BJ; you didn't exactly help me in the lunch room." Lydia took a deep breath of the chilly fall air. "I think she meant it when she said she'd get me on my way home, plus she owes me for that prank **you** pulled on her in the locker room."

"Piff… come on Lyds, all we did was start a little food fight…"

"You threw a _rotten_ pie at her and said in **MY** voice she was a glittering orange-faced pansy!"

"It wasn't a pie… more of a _tart_!" The bike-seat burst out laughing.

"It wasn't funny, BJ!"

"I get it, I get it… that's why I'm in this silly form walkin' ya home, Babes-" Lydia placed her hand on the seat of the bike, covering Beetle’s mouth.

"My, my…" Priscilla stood leaning against the red covered bridge Lydia had to take to get to her house. "…if it isn't the Goth-girl talking to her imaginary friends."

"What are you doing here, Priss-piration." Lydia planted her feet firmly on the ground and gripped the handlebars on the bike. ' _Oops!_ ' She heard Beetlejuice hiss in pain and stopped squeezing.

"Payback!" Said the snobby blonde and snapped her fingers. Jill, Stacey, and Amanda jumped out from behind the bushes and walked towards Lydia. "Girls, why don't we take out the _trash?_ "

Lydia noticed the trash bags in the girl's hands and wondered what they were going to do. As if answering her unspoken question the three ninth-graders pelted her with foul-smelling garbage. A rotten egg smashed against the side of her head and Lydia dropped her Beetle-bike as she ran passed them.

The four girls' and a black & white stripped shadow followed her to the abandoned ruin of the older red-roofed bridge. It'd been torn down shortly after a young couple, whose names she couldn't remember, died in a car crash. Her lungs burned from the cold air as her shoes slapped against the rickety wooden boards. Lydia tripped and did a nose dive landing next to the edge of the bridge. Stopping inches short, Priscilla stood over the Goth and watched amused as Lydia tried to stop her bleeding nose.

"That's what you get when you mess with me." None of the four girls in the Priss pack noticed the boards becoming black & white striped. "Maybe we should wash some of that filth off…"

"Priss?"

"What Jill?" Priscilla asked annoyed.

"D-Did you hear a horse neigh?"

" ** _What?_** " Priss looked at her confused.

"I h-heard it too." Replied Stacey.

"Ye-Yeah, me th-three!" Amanda stuttered.

Lydia looked down at the boards. The two-toned colors seeped away and out of the wood towards the end of the bridge. Wide eyed, she watched in fascination as the black & white goop turned into a solid figure. A figure of a horse and Headless Horseman, only instead of a pumpkin, the Horseman held the head of Beetlejuice.

The three Priss-lackeys screamed at the sight of the Headless Beetlejuice and ran from the bridge. Priscilla stood her ground, but it seemed more out of fear than bravery. Lydia stood up with her mouth hanging open at the sight of her "friend". He really did look scary. The horse was a deep angry magenta and his armor black & white, stripped only on the fringes, and on his back bellowed a dark green cape.

"What the-" Priscilla's mouth fell open.

Beetlejuice let out a shriek of laughter and charged at the two girls. Both Lydia and Priscilla screamed; Lydia for dramatic effect and Priscilla in real fear. However, in that moment the prank somehow took a turn for the worst as the Headless Beetlejuice went to swipe at Priscilla's head. The snobby girl, in a panic, pushed Lydia out of her way to escape. Lydia felt herself fall backwards over the edge of the bridge. She seen her breath fog the air as Beetlejuice chased Priscilla and watched his form vanish from her view. With no time to brace herself Lydia hit the freezing water and managed only one word:

"Beetlejuice!"

The water engulfed her.

…

Feeling his name more than hearing it, Beetle turned himself around to look at Lydia. Only she wasn't on the bridge. Galloping over to the decaying wooden structure he peered over the side and as he did a pale white hand surfaced from the appropriately named Winter River. A 'poof' later he'd transformed back into his humanoid form.

" _Water_ , it **has** to be _water_ …" He watched as Lydia's hand slipped under the surface. "Shoot! **Lydia!"** Without giving it another thought he jumped into the inky river. As he tried to swim towards the girl Beetlejuice felt memories flood his being as the water tried to liquefy his corporal form.

_A flash of algae in a dingy washtub._

_The constricting of his lungs as he held himself under._

_The weightlessness as his grip gave way when his last breath ran out._

Beetlejuice's eyes opened in the water in time to see her. Lydia kicked, her arms swatting at the water trying desperately to reach the surface. Yet, the water was deathly cold and her struggles were becoming sluggish. Pushing past the fear Beetle grabbed the girl's hand and used his Juice to zap them both out of the water and onto the leaf covered bank.

"Lydia? Hey, Babes, ya alright?"

Lydia coughed up some water and shivered. Wrapping her arms around herself she looked up at him. Beetlejuice shut his mouth. She'd given him "The Look". He'd heard about it from some of the ghosts who came into contact with breathers. "The Look" got coined when one of the Living, after just having a Near-Death experience, looked at one of the dead and realized they've just escaped what floated before them. Beetlejuice felt jealous & relieved all at once; then Lydia stupidly got up to walk away from him.

"Lyds!" He ran to catch up to her. "Lydia. What's the matter, Babes?"

Lydia spun around on him. "You almost got ME **killed!** " She wobbly turned around, took off her soaked backpack and flung it at Beetlejuice.

"Nah, ya survived…" He gave her a toothy grin, catching her pack. "…'an I saved ya, no _civil service_ , no problem Babes!"

" **Beetlejuice.** " He stiffened. "Weren't you ever taught **morals**?"

"No." He scoffed. "Morals don't do ya any good in the Neitherworld. Everybody's dead so..." He shrugged. "…ya don't have ta worry 'bout hurtin' anybody."

" _Beetlejuice!_ This is the LIVING world! You have to be more careful! If someone drops off a bridge into freezing water they might **DIE!** "

"Heh, no need to get blue-faced Lyds." Then he realized what he said. "Lyds? Hey, no pun intended…" He took a closer look at her. "…Babes, you really _are_ blue in the face."

"Be-Beet-" Lydia went to slap him; instead she fainted into his arms.

"Babes? Lyds? Hey, this ain't funny! Lydia?!" He shook her and tried to get her to open her eyes. " _Lydia_ , this is a _bad_ prank!" Beetle began to panic. " **LYDIA!** "


	14. The Poncho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Beetlejuice, the movie or the cartoon, or the books...

…

_October 29, 1988_

…

' _A week… it's been a fuckin'_ ** _week!_** ' He sat at the bar and processed the information. ' _Doesn't have the decency ta call me Out an' see if she made it…_ ' The bartender set the second glass of liquor on the counter.

' _I know she made it ta the Breather hospital, little Bitch was conscious enough ta send me back ta the Neitherworld!_ ' He growled and picked up his drink. Beetlejuice stared into the green liquid hoping it would tell him the answers to the questions spinning around in his mind. ' _Why did I save her?_ ' He allowed himself to write that one off: easy. ' _All in the deal, Lyds dies before the age of thirty-seven and were both desk-jockeys._ ' He grunted out a laugh at the thought of him mentoring her. He cursed when the memory of Juno hovering over his being in the first century of his death floated to the surface.

' _Why am I_ ** _worried_** _about her…?_ ' Beetle scowled at the drink & chugged it.

Raising his fingers he silently asked for a double. ' _I shouldn't care about the kid. She screwed me over_ ** _twice._** ' He sat back and looked around the dingy Neitherworld bar. ' _First the wedding and now this damn contract…_ ' Beetle's thoughts were interrupted when the bartender, a large neon green squid set his glass of toxic-tonic on the counter. Instead of reaching for the soul-numbing liquid Beetle turned over the thoughts in his mind. ' _She's just like any other stupid Breather!_ ' But at the mental image of Lydia, he stiffened.

Her eyes.

Beetlejuice tried to get "The Look" she gave him out of his head at the kid's Near-Death experience. Closing his eyes he tried to block out the feelings from the little incident. The fear he felt facing the water, the panic of _her_ being in the water, and the dread that constricted his heart at the sight of her struggling to reach the surface. It struck a chord to see her almost die the way he had.

Then his mind fast forwarded.

Lydia fainting into his arms, the terror that consumed him at the sight of her skin turning from pale peach to a frosty blue, and the strange urge to protect her from the black shrouded figure that stood silent only a few feet away. His first thoughts were to take her to the Neitherworld Hospital, but quickly realized it was a bad idea. Unfamiliar with the town he Juiced them back to her room, despite the fear of being clean, turned the shower on and sat with her under the hot spray.

It'd been the first bath he'd taken since his death in 1351.

Coming out of the memory Beetlejuice's corporal stomach twisted the garbage that he'd ingested. This surprised him, because the dead shouldn't have such problems. ' _What's wrong with me?'_ Beetle's hand balled into a fist and pounded it on the table. ' _An' why do I give a shit?_ ' He sighed into the glass. ' _Been a_ ** _week…_** _'_ Dread settled over him. '… _kid's probably never gonna call me Out…'_ He glumly thought and knocked back his drink. '… _especially if she's not aliv-_ '

Before he had a chance to finish his thought or swallow the vile liquid, Beetle felt the power of his name pulse. Confused and hopeful he wondered if Lydia would actually call him Out. Setting the glass down slowly Beetlejuice allowed the liquid to flow down his throat and felt another pull on his soul. ' _One more to go._ ' He sat back and his chair creaked in protest. Beetlejuice held a breath he didn't need and in a 'poof' of smoke disappeared from the bar, without paying, much to the bartender's anger.

…

"Babes?" He popped into existence in the middle of her bedroom.

Looking down at her from his floating position near her ceiling Beetle got a good glimpse of her. He could only see her face, since she'd been cocooned in dark colored blankets. Lydia's skin held no color, no longer peachy, and for a moment he'd almost asked what cubical they'd be sharing. Floating closer to the girl he could see her small chest raise & fall and realized she wasn't dead, even though her skin had taken on a pale ash grey color.

"I wanted to talk to you." She said at last from her place at the head of the bed.

"Sure, sure…" His eyes shifted around the room avoiding hers and taking in the decorations. "What's the occasion?"

"It's October 29th." She stated bluntly.

"Hmm, fergot it's that time of year again." He drolled out. " ** _Halloween._** " He lay back in the air and made a silly noise at one of her spider decorations.

"Why aren't you _excited?_ " Lydia perked up at his disinterested attitude.

"Lyds..." Beetlejuice floated over and sat on the edge of Lydia's bed, wondering why she didn't protest. "…Breathers don't have a _clue_ about the holiday." When he sunk into the mattress but wasn't sucked into it, he relaxed.

"I resent that…" Lydia rolled her eyes at him, her mood rising. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Enjoying the comforts of normality." He replied.

" _Normality?_ " Lydia gave him a confused look as Beetlejuice laid back onto the mattress.

"Lyds, I sleep in a padded coffin in the Neitherworld." He propped himself up to look at her. "Da ya know why?"

"Why?" She got up from her spot under the covers, slid out of bed, and walked closer to him as her arms wrapped around one of the wooden poles of the bed.

' _I'll never figure this kid out…_ ' He thought bemused. "Cause it's the only normal thing ta sleep **on.** _In?_ Whatever…" He shook his head. "…two words:" He held two fingers up at her. "…quick-sand mattress."

"Are you sure that isn't three words?" Lydia giggled.

"Anyway, point is: everything's _literal_ in the Neitherworld." At her continued look of confusion he went on. "Know the saying: it's raining cat  & dogs? Well, in the Neitherworld it _actually_ rains cats  & dogs."

"Deadly-voo."

Beetle snorted. "Uh-huh, you try sleeping with barking and meowing all night long."

"You sleep?"

"Geez, Lyds. What is this? Twenty questions?"

"Sorry…" She blushed. "…but do you?"

"Yes, I sleep. Want to know anything else?" He said it sarcastically and stretched his head so it was next to hers.

"Um… _yes?_ " Lydia squeaked out, trying to hide her pale face from his.

Beetle's neck snapped back to its correct length. "An' hear I thought ya were easy ta scare…" He smirked, disappeared, and reappeared behind her. " ** _BOO!_** "

Lydia jumped, but didn't scream. She turned around eyes locked on his form and backed away from the poltergeist. Flashing Lydia a decaying grin Beetle quickly threw open his stripped suit jacket.

Lydia stood and stared at the creatures that protruded out of the ghost's white shirt. They were all a grey, green, black combination of spiders, crabs, scorpions, and other disgusting creepy crawlies. ' _I'm not afraid of him._ ' She thought just before panicking. ' _I just have to make it seem funny…_ ' Thinking on the subject she grabbed a sheet of paper and a marker off the desk behind her and wrote a number on it. Holding the paper up she watched as Beetlejuice's jaw fell open and the monster sucked itself back into his chest.

"Piff… You kiddin' me, Babes? No way… that wasn't a 7.5 scare." He crossed his arms and huffed. "Ya insult me, Lyds."

She started laughing. ' _It worked!_ ' Lydia thought. ' _I figured him out!_ ' Sure, at first he was scary, but once you got past the first shock, the creatures weren't all that scary looking, and they actually looked cheap. ' _I just have to turn it into a joke…'_ Lydia giggled. _'…his magic actually works better when he puns!_ ' She openly laughed.

"Cute, Babes, real cute." He shrugged her off, obviously annoyed that his little scare fell short.

"BJ?" Lydia questioned him after a few minutes passed.

"Hmm?" He concentrated on re-buttoning his suit jacket.

"Tha-Thanks for s-saving me." Lydia blushed and stared at the floor. "If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have made it to the hospital…"

_~Ba-Bump~_

Beetlejuice sucked in a breath at her honest admission and slowly brought a hand to where his dead heart gave a thump in his chest. His skin turned from a light lilac to a pale white. ' _What the hell…?_ ' He stared at his chest in wonder. Looking up at Lydia, he noticed the girl wasn't paying him any attention as she fiddled with the sash on her outfit.

"Maybe _I_ should go ta the hospital…" He said under his breath.

"What was that, BJ?" She smiled at him.

"Um, ugh…" He couldn't think. "I, huh-uh, I gotta go, Lyds. I'll, um, see ya on Halloween…"

In a grand poof of smelly smoke and his signature trash, the phantasm known as Beetlejuice vanished from her room. Running quickly she opened her French doors and tried to air out her room. Thinking about the foul smell she started to laugh.

"He farts, and then leaves…" Lydia laughed harder. "Why is that something I'd expect from Beetleju-" Lydia bit her lip and paused. "Should I send him back?"

Lydia paced back and forth on her carpet. Who knew what kind of trouble he'd get into? She still didn't trust him, but he'd proven to be more than just a prankster/monster in the past few weeks.

"He did save my life… ma-maybe I should let him Out for the holiday." Lydia grimaced but stuck to her word. "I hope I don't regret this decision…"

' _Not like the first one I'd made with him…_ ' Forcing the memory of their close-call of a wedding in the back of her mind, Lydia set a determined pace to finish most of the make-up homework she had to do. The word around school was that the Priss Pact had split up after the events of Lydia's Winter River swim. Priscilla & her gang had been expelled and presumably transferred to a neighboring all-girls school.

"Hopefully, Claire won't be as big of a pain Priscilla was…" Lydia said aloud as she began on her history homework. "Let's see, " _In the beginning of the thirteenth century the plague had spread across Europe…_ " hmm, I wonder if BJ would know anything about the plague?"

…

_October 30, 1988_

…

"So yer sayin' everythin' is bad, right Doc?"

"Yes, Mr. Juice the charts say you're as _un_ -healthy, _un_ -hygienic, and _un_ -living as the day you died. Nothing to worry about." Replied Mr. Hyde.

" _Un_ -huh." Beetle chuckled, making fun of his doctor. "Glad ta know. I got a package ta pick up an' some mischief ta get into before this nights out. My little woman let me off the leash, if ya get what I mean?" He wiggled his eyebrows at the doctor.

"It doesn't say on your file that you're married…" Doctor Jekyll looked at the charts once more, becoming fearful at the look in the poltergeist's eyes.

"Wasn't talkin' 'bout my wife, Doc." With a snap of his fingers Beetlejuice Juiced his black & white striped suit to replace the patient smock he had on. "Got something ta get for my…" He paused for added effect. "… **_best_** _friend._ "

Cackling madly he left the bewildered doctor cowering in the corner. Switching back and forth between two personalities the Neitherworldian doctor's minds came together to form one thought. Who in their right mind would want to be _friends_ with Beetlejuice? Let alone _best_ friends?

…

He popped into the Roadhouse and spotted his intended target as she tapped her way into her part of the apartment. Sneaking up on the spider-woman Beetlejuice changed his form, becoming a large black & white puddle in front of the unsuspecting tap-dancer.

"Da-da-da-dee-dee-doo-dummmaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Whahahahahahahahahahahaha…!"

Picking herself up from the floor Ginger gave Beetlejuice her best glare. "That's not funny Beetlejuice, what if I broke a leg?" She said with her heavy Brooklyn accent.

"Piff… ya got five more! Geez Gingy, s'not like I'm out ta ruin your career or anythin'." Beetle crossed his fingers behind his back.

"Hmph. I don't believe a word of it Beetle-jerk." Sticking her tiny nose in the air she strut into her room.

"Hey, wait!

"What do you want now, Beetle-brains?" She watched un-amused at Beetlejuice turned into a block of ice, only to unfreeze in the next instant.

"Gee-wiz Ginger, that was _cold."_ He leaned against the frame and gave her a sadistic smile.

A shiver ran down her back. "What do you want?" The spider repeated.

"That Poncho-thingy done yet?" His face switched back to something akin to harmless.

Without a word she shut the door on his face. Fuming he stood up and began thinking of ways to get revenge on the arachnid. The door open wide while he was on the thought of roasting her over an open fire…

"Here, it's done." She shoved the red bundle of cloth into his hands. "I had a hard time makin' it turn colors but I managed. Tell Lydia I say hi. Oh, and do me a favor an' go jump into a sand-trap." She shut the door on him for a second time.

Paying her no mind he flipped off the door; not caring that the spider couldn't see it. Beetlejuice disappeared to his own room and began to wrap the package with whatever he had available. Stuffing the gift into one of his coat's many deep pockets Beetle got ready for his night out on the town.

" _Freedom_ … ya know I love it." He said to his mirror and zapped himself out of the Roadhouse.

…

_October 31,1988_

…

"Today's HALLOWEEN!"

Lydia squealed in delight and jumped up and down on the bed in front of him. Normally Beetlejuice would be glad to have a female bouncing around him, but this kid didn't have much of a chest and he couldn't do anything even if he tried. To be honest, he wasn't into pre-teens. ' _I'm sick, but not that sick…_ ' He thought amused. Granted he grew up in a time where at the age of thirteen, it was socially acceptable for a girl to be married to a man his age, but marrying a kid didn't do it for him. Beetlejuice snorted; he preferred a full-figured woman who knew what she was doing.

"Hey, I got a present fer ya, Babes." Beetlejuice noted that Lydia had on the same outfit she'd worn underneath the poncho the day of his trial; a black, purple & pink number that did her justice.

“Ok, B.” Lydia stopped bouncing and gazed at him.

“Uh-yah…” Oddly, Beetle felt nervous. ' _I haven't even known this kid fer a month an' I act like she's my_ ** _wife_** _…_ ' The temperature dropped in the room at the unspoken word. ' _…better ta_ ** _not_** _finish that thought._ ' Uncharacteristically flustered his hand shot the present out at her.

Taken by surprise Lydia took the gift that was crudely wrapped in forty-year old newspaper with a shoe-lace to tie it shut. Ripping into the gift with vigor Lydia slowly pulled out the green silk cloth. Marveling at the delicate spider-web pattern her eyes focused on Beetlejuice with an open mouth.

She was speechless.

"I, uh, guess ya like it, huh Lyds?" Beetlejuice rocked back on his heels feeling pleased with himself.

" _Beetlejuice…_ "

His first reaction was to find a way to shut her mouth, but he stomped it down. He ground his teeth together and trusted his "friend", realizing, at the sound of her voice his name was said more as a prayer than as a curse. It sent his ego straight through the roof and without even thinking he floated a foot off her carpet.

"Awe, shucks Babes." He waved his hand at her, feigning embarrassment. "Ya give me such a _rise!_ " He cackled.

"Sure it's not just _hot air_ , BJ?" Now it was her turn to laugh as his eyes rolled out of his head and onto the floor. "So what did you do while you were Out?"

"Ah, nothin' much… scared some kids, got drunk, T.P.'d the Mortal Government…" He snorted a laugh and planted his Beatle boots on the floor, bending over & quickly grabbed his eyeballs. "Lincoln looks good as a mummy."

"Bee-Jay!" She tried to look mad at him. Really, she tried. "Ah, what am I thinking, you _lie_ like a _rug_."

"Ya know it, Babes." Said her now black & white rug. "Just don't start dancing…"

Lydia couldn't resist. "Why? Afraid I'll cut you?" She giggled as he reformed and dusted his sleeves off.

"Keep up with the puns, Lyds, and I might not take ya to the Neitherworld today." He said with a twinkle in his eye as he grabbed her hand and spun her into a normal waltz.

"Are you kidding?" She asked in awe as he danced her into a stupor.

"Nope." He gave her one of his signature smiles; the kind that could make paint peel. "Now, just lay those B-words on me, Lyds!"

"Yo-You actually _want_ me to send you back to the Neitherworld?"

"Yep, but this time, _your_ comin' with me!" He didn't let her go and spied the green colored poncho/table-cloth forgotten on her bed; he concentrated his Juice into the spider-silk. The outfit had once tricked him at first into believing she'd been one of the dead, and he knew with her new complexion she'd receive no question about her "un-dead" status if she wore the red cloth in the Neitherworld.

' _The dress won't do, maybe something that'll keep her warm, jeans & t-shirt? Nah, shit like that ain't cool…_' He looked around the girl's room and noticed a poster of the Black Swan from Swan Lake. ' _A leotard, perfect._ ' He smiled down at Lydia. "Ready, Babes?"

She nodded.

  * * *

 _"_ _Thou I know I should be wary,_

_Still I venture someplace scary,_

_Ghostly hauntings I turn loose,_

**_Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!_ ** _"_

* * *


	15. The Neitherworld

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Beetlejuice, the movie or the cartoon, or the books...
> 
> *The Frighteners is a great movie.

…

“Wow.” Lydia looked down at her outfit. She wore her red poncho and a warm full-body leotard. Touching her hair she noticed that her pink & purple scrunchie had stayed in place. “What happened to my dress?”

“Don’t worry, Babes. Cause ya got some o’my Juice ya just have’ta think about what ya want ta wear and…” Snapping his fingers Beetlejuice switched his clothes with hers. “…ya can change just like me.”

Lydia looked down at the form fitting striped suit she now wore and winced at the sight of Beetlejuice in her black leotard, which thankfully, the red poncho ( _mostly_ ) covered. While completely disturbing to look at, it was strange how the fabrics stretched to fit their differences in body type.

“So I can use your Juice?” She looked down at the striped pants. “Hmm…” Lydia snapped her fingers and nothing happened.

“Within reason, Babes.” He smiled at her. “The power ya get comes from my name, so it only works when ya say it.”

“No fair…” Lydia frowned.

Seeing her saddened face damped his mood. “Hey, what were ya thinkin’ of changin’ anyways, Lyds?”

She looked up at him, her smile itching to return at the sight of him in her outfit, and decided to tell him. “I wanted to turn the pants into a skirt and turn the shirt magenta.”

“ _Magenta?_ ” He repeated cocking an eyebrow.

“Yeah, it’s the color you made the horse when you scared Priscilla.” She didn’t notice him flinch at the mention of her “incident” on the bridge.

“Well, guess that’s easy enough ta do…” ‘ _Not that I’m feelin’ guilty or anythin’._ ’ He cracked his knuckles and shot a bolt of yellow lightning at Lydia.

The girl didn’t even scream as the pants merged together then shrunk to make a knee length skirt. A magenta started off as a small spot on the white shirt, right where her heart would be, and spread like blood coloring the entire garment; spinning in a circle she enjoyed watching the color spread out to the cuffs. She thoroughly enjoyed the new look.

“Thanks BJ!” Lydia toed the pavement on the Neitherworldian road and looking at her own Beatle boots as question formed in her mind. “Hey, BJ?” Beetlejuice turned to look at her. “How come you stopped wearing your combat boots?”

“Uh, I don’t know…” Beetle shrugged. “…weren’t that comfortable and those fit my style, ya know, there're called _Beatle_ -boots, Babes.” He felt thrown off guard with her question. ‘ _Damn kid pays to_ _much attention to detail._ ’ “Well, that’s enough fun fer now!” Zapping them both, their outfits once again switched.

“Oh, my…” Looking towards Beetlejuice it took all of Lydia’s breath to hold back the laughter.

“O’shut it, Lyds…” Beetle grumbled. When he zapped their clothes he forgot that Lydia was wearing a skirt. In said skirt, he tried his best not to look embarrassed and wondered how in six centuries he’d never felt this trepidant. Quickly he changed the black & white striped skirt into a pair of pants.

“No wait!” Lydia stopped him from changing the magenta shirt. “I-I think it looks good on you.”

Not used to compliments, a foreign feeling of heat rushed to his face. “I-If ya say so, Lyds.” Beetle shrugged off his jitters. “Anyway, let’s get goin’…”

“To where?” Lydia asked.

“Why only to the one place in the entire Neitherworld _worth_ visiting!” His hand slid around to her back and he began to walk them forward. Seeing no harm in the contact Lydia let him lead her to their destination. Feeling oddly secure, she allowed her eyes to wander and took in the strange sights.

They’d only been walking five minutes before a familiar view caught her attention. Stopping next to a mail box that’d previously tried to eat her hand Lydia let a large smile grace her features. Moving to stand in front of her and with a wave of his hand, a well practiced form of peacock-ish flourish & grandeur that could have only been picked up by him, Beetlejuice bowed to Lydia an addressed the run-down building behind him.

“So this dirt-hole/love-shack is: The Roadhouse.”

“I couldn’t tell…” Lydia snickered at him pointing at the rather large neon sign that had his initials on it.

“Babes, nobody likes a _spoil_ sport.” He paused to grin at her; his teeth practically the definition of rot. “Well, ‘cept fer me, I love anythin’ that’s gone _rotten!”_ Throwing his head back Beetlejuice let out a loud long bark of laughter that sent Lydia on edge. “What ya say, Babes? Want me ta sink my teeth in ya?”

Feeling a little uneasy, Lydia practiced her new rule when dealing with the poltergeist: If he’s acting scary, perverse, or creepy – try to make the situation funny. Walking past him nonchalantly, Lydia did her best to act as if he hadn’t thrown her off her game. As if to prove the grungy dead man was rubbing off on her she did something she’d never done before.

“Sure, **_BJ_**. But do you think that sign is large enough?” A slick smile formed on her face. “Or are you just over compensating for something?” Winking at him she shot her nose to the sky and walked up to the front of the house.

Mouth ajar and thoroughly befuddled Beetle stood in still for a full five minutes. Not too many people could get the drop on him, especially when it came to perverse dialogue. Realization dawned on him that Lydia had flat out insulted his manhood, but for the death of him, Beetlejuice couldn’t work up any anger at the girl. Strutting up to the door he puffed out his chest and stuck his tongue out. “I’ll have ya know the sign is fer my business, and I’m quite large in all departments.” Beetle sneered.

“Sure, B, whatever you say…” Lydia rolled her eyes and watched curiously as Beetlejuice knocked on the door to his house. “Don’t you have the keys?”

Stopping mid knock Beetle turned around to look at her. Fishing around in one of his pockets, his arm disappearing up to his elbow, he pulled out a set of keys and tossed them to Lydia. “Yep, fergot ta give those back…” He gave her a crooked smile and knocked a third time.

“Who’s there?” The door knocker, sounding bored, slowly asked.

“Roach.”

“Roach-who?”

“ _Roach_ ya a letter, didn’t ya get it? Wahahahahahahahaha…”

“Mphm… very funny.” Replied the annoyed Knocker.

“Wow, BJ. Where do you get your material?” She said sarcastically.

“Ha! You think you could do better, Babes?” Beetle leaned over & smirked.

“…Yeah, yes, I think I could.” His grin widened. “As a matter of fact, I _know_ I can.

“Well then go on.” He moved aside so she could knock on the door.

“You’ll see…” Gulping down her nerves Lydia knocked on the door three times.

“Who’s there?”

“Claire.”

“Claire-who?”

“ _Claire_ the way, I’m coming through!”

“Eh-ha, not bad Lyds.”

“Please, no more, one bad joke is enough for the day…” The Knocker moaned.

“Yesh, shut your trap! Come on Lyds…” He made a snobby sounding voice. “…let us go where we will be wel- _combed._ ” A large comb suddenly appeared behind them and started towards the pair. Both gave a shriek of fright and pushed into the house, quickly they shut and barricaded the door.

“Does that happen often?”

“Whut? Giant flying combs that try ta decapitate you?”

“Ye- No, I meant the random punning.”

“Ha-ha… gee, sometimes I slip on my words…” Beetlejuice went to take a step forward and promptly stepped on a W and like he stated began to slip on the word, WORDS. Lydia couldn’t help but laugh at this and offered to help him from the floor.

“Are you alright, Beetlejuice?”

A shiver ran up his spine at the sound of his name. Granted, a lot of good it did when she said it in the Neitherworld, the kid would send herself back to the Realworld. “Yeah, I’m fine, Babes.” He dusted himself off. ‘ _Juice has been out-of-whack since I broke the contract with ol’_ _Astaroth.’_ He thought annoyed.

“So this is your house?”

“Yep.”

“Do you own it?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know Lyds, geez, what do I look like? An answering machine?” Beetle’s face fell and tried to cover his mouth, but it was too late. He turned into an answering machine complete with telephone. Lydia giggled at the sight and picked up the receiver.

“Do you really want me to _answer_ that one, BJ?” She laughed, and in a poof of smoke the receiver disappeared and once again, Beetlejuice stood before her dusting off his stripped sleeves.

“Heh, got ta say Babes, ya can be funny when ya want to.” Shrugging he floated over to his rotting wood couch and sat down. “Make yourself at home!”

_…_

_Five hours later…_

_…_

“I can't fathom why you want Out.”

“Really? Do explain, Babes.”

Lydia stretched back on the wooden couch, which was surprisingly soft due to its termite infestation, and cocked her head in his direction. They’d been watching re-runs of one of Beetlejuice’s favorite TV shows: That Darn Werewolf. The reason being that the Neitherworld on Halloween tended to be empty with most of the ghouls enjoying large festivities or leaving for the Realworld since the Veil had been lowered. There wasn't much to do on the "Holiday" that wouldn't put Lydia's life in danger, and Beetlejuice had enough mortal-scares to keep him on his toes and, hopefully, unattached to a desk for the next eon.

“Well, I’ve never seen anything like this.” Lydia gestured to the television.

“Of course ya haven’t, ya ain’t dead yet.” He rolled his eyes. “Been watching these same ruddy re-runs fer the past fifty years…”

“Don’t they ever come up with something new?”

“Sort-of…” He replied and began to scratch behind his ear, disturbing a roach, and then proceeded to pick it out an eat it. A loud crunch later and he went on… “Thing is, ya Breathers make somethin’, then we dead folk make it better. The ideas aren’t new, but the _execution_ is. Understand, Babes?”

“I, uh, think so…” Lydia looked curiously at the TV then at the blinking numbers on the VCR. “…is that time _right?_ ” She asked in wonder.

Beetlejuice squinted at the red numbers, then down at one of the watches on his wrist. “Yep, it’s five o’clock somewhere.” He eyed Lydia’s thoughtful expression.

“You know BJ, it _is_ Halloween.”

Beetle’s eyes narrowed at her. “So, what’cha gettin’ at, Lyds?” Later on Beetlejuice would find out that when Lydia got _that_ particular smile on her face he knew they’d be in for a mountain full of fun & trouble.

“I’ve got an idea!” Grabbing hold of his hand, Lydia quickly said the poltergeist’s name three times before he could stop her. For Lydia, new to the experience, the jerk between the Neitherworld and the Realworld felt like a tingling buzz combined with the vertigo of a rollercoaster ride all rolled up into one.

Puzzled, Beetlejuice couldn’t explain the trip between the worlds. He’d done it a good number of times and not one had left him feeling like a ball of sunshine afterwards. However, _this_ experience had been pleasant, unlike the usual feeling of having his soul ripped apart. Safely in the Realworld he let go of Lydia’s hand and marveled at the young girl. Somehow she’d already managed to figured out how to use his Juice.

“Nice _costume_ , Babes.” He said with an edge to his voice.

Lydia did a twirl in the red wedding gown. “What? You don’t like it?” She smirked at him. “I think it was one of your designs…”

“Thought we **weren’t** supposed ta bring up the weddin’?”

“I’m not; I’m only wearing my Halloween costume.” She stuck her tongue out at him, trying to push his buttons. “You made it, don’t you like it?”

Beetlejuice scowled. ‘ _Can’t trick a trickster, Babes…_ ’ He said in his mind and took in the sight of the girl who was once again in a newer looking version of the disastrous red tulle wedding dress. Beetle had to admit that it did look good on the girl, but he couldn’t bring himself to see her as anything other than a thirteen year old now that he knew her true age.

“Nah, Lyds.” He pointed a finger at her. “Ya should try something a little more original…” A bolt of yellow lightning later and Lydia was dressed in a rather odd costume. The design was familiar but she couldn’t put her finger on it, though the stripes were a dead give-away. Lydia looked down at the "suit" she wore. It was like some kind of light & dark purple striped snake. Looking around the “mouth” that acted like a hoodie, she noticed the row of yellow teeth.

“So… what am I?” Lydia asked confused.

“A baby Sandworm.” Beetle deadpanned as he stepped back to admire his work. In his mind it was one of the scariest Halloween costumes in the Neitherworld, he was sure she’d like it.

“Deadly-voo…”

“Yeah, got the _deadly_ part right, Lyds.” He laughed a little uneasily; slightly out of character for him. “Only thin’ in the universe that can put the _*frighteners_ in me.”

Lydia looked down at her costume again as a brief shot of guilt struck her at the memory of Beetlejuice getting eaten on their wedding day. He’d deserved it at the time, don’t get her wrong, but it may have been too harsh a punishment. Feeling like a heel for the wedding dress stunt she sighed in frustration.

“Hey BJ?”

“Yeah, Babes?”

“Thanks.”

“For whut?” He stuck his finger up his nose, paying Lydia no-mind.

“Thanks for being so nice to me.” That got his attention. “I mean, you could have been all _revengeful_ an _evil_ with me, but your turning out to be pretty cool to hang with.”

“Geez, Babes…” He flicked the booger into his suit pocket. "Ya want ta hang with me?" He grabbed hold of his black tie and pulled it, trying to actually hang himself.

"Beej..."

"Ya see me as a cool guy?" Frost started to cover his face & clothes.

"Seriously..."

The frost melted off of him but he had one more pun lined up. "Ya really think I'm pretty?" He bat a set of suddenly overly-long eyelashes at her.

"Yep!" Walking up to him she gave small kiss on the cleaner part of his cheek and began to skip on ahead. Lydia gestured for Beetlejuice to follow and all he could do was walk blindly behind her. Slow to the draw, he let the simple, honest compliment shake him to his core.


End file.
